The Stress Paradox: Why You Need More of the Right Stress and Less of the Wrong Kind

Imagine if I told you that the thing most people desperately try to avoid—stress—is actually one of the most powerful tools for building the life you want.

That your attempts to eliminate stress are making you weaker, not stronger. And that the secret to thriving isn‘t avoiding stress but learning to choose the right kind of stress while avoiding the wrong kind.

This isn’t just theory—it’s a lesson I learned the hard way after decades of believing that “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” without understanding that I was slowly killing myself with this attitude.

My wife Amy is a somatic therapy practitioner who helps people heal from stress, anxiety, and overwhelm every day.

Through her work and my own journey, I’ve learned that stress is like fire—it can forge you into something stronger or burn you to the ground.

The difference lies not in avoiding stress but in understanding which fires to walk through and which ones to run from.

If you’re dealing with overwhelm right now, Amy has a free resource at wellnessalchemist.com—her “7 Days to Stress Less” PDF.

But my goal is to help you understand stress so well that you never get to that breaking point in the first place.

Because here’s what most people don’t understand: the strongest warriors and most effective leaders don’t avoid stress—they choose it strategically.

The Warrior’s Dilemma

For years, I was a firm believer in the “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” philosophy.

Construction work, martial arts training, and living my life as a courageous adventure—I approached everything with the attitude that more stress meant more growth.

I thought toughness meant enduring everything and pushing through any challenge.

What I didn’t realize was that I was slowly destroying myself with this indiscriminate approach to stress.

I was treating all stress as good stress, never questioning whether the challenges I was enduring were actually making me stronger or just wearing me down.

The wake-up call came when I started learning about stress physiology through Amy’s training and realized that my “toughness” was actually chronic stress that was undermining my health, relationships, and long-term performance.

The truth is more nuanced than the simple “tough it out” mentality: you need stress-inducing activities, habits, and environments to hone yourself as a warrior and leader.

But you also need to be strategic about which stresses you accept and which ones you reject.

The Modern Stress Avoidance Epidemic

While I was over-stressing myself, I noticed another dangerous trend: too many people today completely avoid stress-inducing activities and opt for stress-reducing escapes.

Netflix binges. Video game marathons. Pornography. Drugs and alcohol. Social media scrolling. Shopping therapy.

Anything to avoid the discomfort of growth-oriented stress.

This creates a generation of people who are simultaneously over-stressed by things that don’t matter (social media drama, news cycles, meaningless work) and under-stressed by things that do matter (physical challenges, skill development, meaningful relationships, purpose-driven work).

They’re stressed about everything except the things that would actually make them stronger.

The Stress Spectrum

Understanding stress requires recognizing that not all stress is created equal.

There’s a spectrum from beneficial stress that builds you up to toxic stress that tears you down.

Beneficial Stress (Eustress)

This is stress that challenges you in ways that promote growth, adaptation, and resilience:

• Physical exercise that pushes your limits
• Learning new skills that challenge your current abilities
• Taking on responsibilities that stretch your capabilities
• Engaging in difficult conversations that strengthen relationships
• Pursuing goals that require you to become better

Neutral Stress

Everyday stresses that are part of normal life but don’t significantly impact your growth one way or another:

• Commuting to work
• Managing household tasks
• Dealing with minor inconveniences
• Navigating routine social interactions

Toxic Stress (Distress)

Stress that depletes your resources without providing growth benefits:

• Abusive relationships or work environments
• Chronic worry about things outside your control
• Exposure to constant negativity and drama
• Overwhelming demands without adequate resources or support
• Stress from activities that don’t align with your values or goals

The key is learning to maximize beneficial stress while minimizing toxic stress.

The Five Stress Evaluation Questions

Through decades of experience and Amy’s professional insights, I’ve developed five critical questions to evaluate whether any stressful situation will build you up or tear you down:

1. Is this stress in an area that’s important to you and your journey?

Not all challenges are worth accepting.

The first filter is whether the stress relates to something that matters for the person you want to become.

• Good stress: Training for a martial arts competition that aligns with your commitment to personal excellence.
• Bad stress: Getting caught up in office politics that have nothing to do with your career goals or values.

2. Are the people and circumstances inducing this stress doing it for your higher good?

This is crucial: who benefits from your stress?

Are you being challenged by people who genuinely want you to grow, or are you being exploited by people who want to make their own lives easier?

• Good stress: A coach who pushes you harder because they see your potential and want you to reach it.
• Bad stress: A boss who dumps unreasonable demands on you because they don’t want to deal with proper planning or staffing.

3. Are you progressively increasing and managing the stress to stay within the ‘flow channel’?

Optimal stress follows the principle of progressive overload.

Like physical training, the challenge should increase gradually, allowing you to adapt and grow stronger.

• Good stress: Taking on increasingly challenging projects that stretch your abilities without overwhelming you.
• Bad stress: Jumping into situations that are far beyond your current capacity without proper preparation or support.

4. Are you attuned to the cycles of your life?

Different life phases require different stress management strategies.

What serves you in your 20s might destroy you in your 50s. What you can handle as a single person might be inappropriate when you have family responsibilities.

• Good stress: Adapting your challenges to match your current life circumstances and long-term goals.
• Bad stress: Trying to maintain the same stress levels and types regardless of changing life conditions.

5. Are you balancing stress with healthy recovery?

This is where I went wrong for years.

I thought toughness meant never resting, never recovering, always pushing. But growth happens during recovery, not during stress.

• Good stress: Intense training or work periods followed by genuine rest and recovery.
• Bad stress: Chronic stress without adequate recovery, or using escapist activities (alcohol, mindless entertainment) instead of truly restorative practices.

The Flow Channel Concept

One of the most important discoveries in stress research is the concept of the “flow channel”—the optimal zone where challenge and skill are perfectly matched to create growth and engagement.

• Too little challenge relative to your skills = Boredom and stagnation
• Too much challenge relative to your skills = Anxiety and overwhelm
• Optimal challenge relative to your skills = Flow and growth

The art of stress management is learning to stay in this flow channel across different areas of your life.

This requires constant calibration—increasing challenges as your skills improve, reducing challenges when you’re overwhelmed, and finding new areas to challenge yourself when others become routine.

My Stress Evolution

Looking back on my life, I can see how my relationship with stress has evolved:

20s-30s: Indiscriminate Stress Acceptance

I said yes to every challenge, thinking more stress always meant more growth. This led to some impressive achievements but also chronic exhaustion and relationship strain.

40s: Stress Optimization

I started becoming more selective about which stresses to accept, focusing on challenges that aligned with my values and goals. I also began incorporating real recovery practices.

50s-60s: Stress Wisdom

Now I evaluate every potential stressor through the five questions above. I actively seek out beneficial stress while aggressively eliminating toxic stress. I understand that at this stage of life, stress quality matters more than stress quantity.

Each phase required different stress strategies, and I suspect my approach will continue evolving as I enter my 70s and beyond.

The Modern Stress Strategy

In today’s world, effective stress management requires a sophisticated approach that accounts for the unique challenges of modern life:

Eliminate Information Stress

Constant news cycles, social media drama, and information overload create stress without growth benefits. Aggressive filtering of information inputs is essential.

Choose Your Physical Stress

Instead of letting random life circumstances create physical stress, deliberately choose physical challenges that build strength, endurance, and resilience.

Optimize Relationship Stress

Some relationship challenges make you stronger (difficult conversations that lead to deeper connection). Others just drain you (drama and toxicity that serve no constructive purpose). Learn to tell the difference.

Align Professional Stress

Work stress should build skills, advance your career, or serve a meaningful purpose. If your job creates stress without any of these benefits, it’s time to make a change.

Master Recovery Practices

Develop a toolkit of truly restorative practices: quality sleep, meditation, time in nature, meaningful relationships, creative pursuits. Recovery isn’t the absence of activity—it’s the presence of restoration.

The Stress Portfolio Approach

Think of your stresses like an investment portfolio.

You want a diversified mix of beneficial stresses that build different aspects of your character and capabilities:

• Physical stress to build strength and resilience
• Mental stress to develop cognitive abilities and problem-solving skills
• Emotional stress to build emotional intelligence and interpersonal capabilities
• Spiritual/Existential stress to develop wisdom and life perspective
• Creative stress to maintain innovation and adaptability

Just like a financial portfolio, you want to rebalance regularly based on your current needs and life circumstances.

The Daily Stress Practice

Here’s how to implement strategic stress management on a daily basis:

• Morning Assessment: “What beneficial stress will I embrace today?”
• Midday Check: “Am I in the flow channel, or do I need to adjust my stress levels?”
• Evening Reflection: “Did today’s stresses build me up or tear me down?”
• Weekly Review: “What toxic stresses can I eliminate, and what beneficial stresses can I add?”
• Monthly Recalibration: “How do my stress choices need to evolve based on my current life phase and goals?”

The Stress Paradox Resolution

The resolution to the stress paradox is simple in concept but requires wisdom in execution: you need more of the right stress and less of the wrong stress.

• Too much beneficial stress = Burnout
• Too little beneficial stress = Stagnation
• Any amount of toxic stress = Degradation

The sweet spot is optimal beneficial stress with minimal toxic stress, balanced with adequate recovery.

This isn’t about becoming soft or avoiding all discomfort.

It’s about becoming strategic about which discomforts you choose to endure based on whether they serve your growth and goals.

Your Stress Audit

Take a moment to audit your current stresses using the five evaluation questions:

List your top 5 current stressors

For each one, ask:

1. Does this relate to an area important to my growth?
2. Are the people/circumstances creating this stress acting in my best interest?
3. Is this stress at an appropriate level for my current capabilities?
4. Does this stress fit my current life phase and priorities?
5. Am I balancing this stress with adequate recovery?

For stresses that score poorly on these questions, make a plan to eliminate or reduce them.

For areas where you lack beneficial stress, make a plan to add appropriate challenges.

The Bottom Line

Stress is like fire—it can forge you into something stronger or burn you to the ground.

The difference lies in understanding which fires to walk through and which ones to avoid.

The strongest warriors and most effective leaders don't avoid stress—they choose it strategically.

They understand that growth requires challenge, but they're selective about which challenges they accept.

If you're currently overwhelmed by stress, Amy's "7 Days to Stress Less" PDF at Wellness Alchemist can help you reset.

But for long-term success, you need to become a student of stress—learning to distinguish beneficial stress from toxic stress and building a life that maximizes the former while minimizing the latter.

Remember: what doesn't kill you makes you stronger—but only if it's the right kind of stress, applied in the right way, at the right time, with adequate recovery.

Everything else just kills you slowly.

The choice is yours: will you let stress happen to you, or will you strategically choose the stresses that build the person you want to become?

Your future self depends on getting this right.