Stop Saying "Sorry": Why Apologies Without Action Are BS

I learned this the hard way on the construction site and on the mat and I'm hoping by sharing this, you will avoid the pain I went through.

People use the word "sorry" as a way to absolve themselves of responsibility.

Sorry doesn't mean anything unless it creates a new set of behaviors and eliminates the need to apologize for the same error again.

Do you know people who keep saying sorry for the same stuff?

It's because you've given them a pass on the behavior.

Without consequences, there is no need for change.

If you want to be a leader—of yourself, your team, your family—you need to stop apologizing without new action AND stop letting other people get away with crap through empty apologies.

Yes, say you're sorry.

But add what you will do (not intend to do) so that you do not make the same error again.

I had to call people out for repeated use of the word "sorry" for the same "offense," especially the small ones, let alone the "big" ones.

It's a hard thing to do at first because you don't want to make mountains out of molehills.​

But you train people how to treat you, and if you don't nip it in the bud, it will grow because of human nature.

We have a tendency as people to want to make our lives easier—even though it may mean making other people's lives harder.

And so that you don't waste your precious resources of time, energy, and mental/emotional bandwidth, you have to call people out on their BS if you truly want to be a leader.

First, you have to call yourself out on it with personal leadership, and then call others out on theirs.

Not easy, but necessary.

The Problem With "Sorry"

Sorry Has Become a Get-Out-of-Jail-Free Card

Somewhere along the way, "sorry" became a magic word that's supposed to erase consequences and reset the relationship as if nothing happened.

Here's the pattern:

1. Someone messes up
2. They say "sorry"
3. You accept the apology
4. Nothing changes
5. They mess up again in the exact same way
6. They say "sorry" again
7. Repeat indefinitely

Why this happens: Because "sorry" without behavior change is just a social script that allows people to avoid accountability while appearing remorseful.

It's the adult version of a child saying "sorry" because they know that's what gets them out of trouble, not because they have any intention of changing their behavior.

The Two Types of Apologies

Not all apologies are disingenuous.

There are two fundamentally different types:

Type 1: The Absolution Apology

• Purpose: To make the bad feeling go away
• Focus: On being forgiven
• Orientation: Backward-looking (what happened)
• Outcome: No behavior change
• Tells you: "I feel bad about what I did"
• Missing: Any plan to ensure it doesn't happen again

Type 2: The Accountability Apology

• Purpose: To take responsibility and prevent recurrence
• Focus: On changing behavior
• Orientation: Forward-looking (what will change)
• Outcome: New systems, habits, or boundaries
• Tells you: "I take responsibility and here's what I'm doing about it"
• Includes: Specific actions to prevent the same error

Most apologies are Type 1.

Only Type 2 actually means anything.

Why People Default to Absolution Apologies

It's easier.

The Absolution Apology requires:

• Saying "sorry"
• Feeling uncomfortable for a moment
• Waiting for forgiveness
• Moving on

The Accountability Apology requires:

• Saying "sorry"
• Taking full responsibility
• Analyzing why the error happened
• Designing a system to prevent recurrence
• Implementing that system
• Proving through changed behavior that you meant it

One takes 30 seconds.

The other takes sustained effort.

Guess which one most people choose?

The Cost of Accepting Empty Apologies

You Train People How to Treat You

This isn't just a catchy saying—it's a fundamental truth about human behavior.

When you accept an apology without requiring behavior change, you're teaching the other person:

• This behavior is acceptable
• "Sorry" is sufficient payment for repeating the error
• There are no real consequences
• They don't actually need to change
• You'll accept being disrespected/inconvenienced indefinitely

You think you're being understanding, forgiving, or compassionate.

But you're actually enabling the behavior you're claiming to forgive.

The Compounding Cost

Every time you accept an empty apology, the cost compounds:

First offense:

• Minor inconvenience
• Temporary frustration
• Easy to forgive

Second offense (same issue):

• The original inconvenience
• Plus the realization they didn't learn
• Plus the time you spent accepting the first apology
• Plus the erosion of trust
• Still relatively easy to forgive if you're "understanding"

Third offense (same issue):

• The original inconvenience
• Plus the pattern recognition that they won't change
• Plus the accumulated time wasted on previous apologies
• Plus significant erosion of trust
• Plus the realization you're being taken for granted
• Plus the internal conflict about whether to say something
• Plus the mental/emotional energy of deciding whether this is worth addressing

By the tenth offense:

• You're either completely numb to it
• Or you explode in frustration
• The relationship is damaged
• Trust is destroyed
• You resent them
• They're confused why you're "suddenly" so upset about something "small"

The tragedy: This was preventable if you'd addressed it the second time it happened.

The Drain on Your Resources

Every repeated error that gets an empty apology drains three critical resources:

1. Time

• Time dealing with the error itself
• Time accepting the apology
• Time dealing with the consequences
• Time mentally processing your frustration
• Time explaining (again) why it's a problem

2. Energy

• Emotional energy managing your frustration
• Mental energy deciding whether to address it
• Physical energy dealing with the consequences
• Relational energy maintaining the relationship despite the pattern

3. Trust

• Trust that they care about your time
• Trust that they value the relationship
• Trust that they're capable of growth
• Trust that your boundaries matter
• Trust that they mean what they say

These are finite resources.

Once depleted, the relationship often dies—not from one big betrayal, but from a thousand small ones that were "forgiven" without change.

What to Do Instead: The Accountability Framework

Step 1: Acknowledge the Error (For Yourself)

When you mess up, before you say anything to anyone else:

Ask yourself:

1. What specifically did I do wrong?
2. Why did it happen?
3. What was the root cause, not just the surface mistake?
4. What system, habit, or boundary was missing that allowed this?
5. What will I change to ensure it doesn't happen again?

Only after you have clear answers to these questions are you ready to apologize.

Step 2: The Accountability Apology Formula

When you apologize, use this structure:

Examples:

• Bad: "Sorry I was late."
  ​Good: "I apologize for being late to our meeting. This happened because I didn't account for traffic and didn't leave early enough. To ensure it doesn't happen again, I've set a calendar reminder that prompts me to leave 15 minutes earlier than I think I need to for any meeting outside my immediate area. If I'm ever late again, you can ask to see my calendar settings to verify I've actually implemented this."
• Bad: "Sorry I forgot to send that report."
  ​Good: "I apologize for not sending the report on time. This happened because I relied on memory instead of a system. To ensure it doesn't happen again, I've created a recurring task in my project management system that triggers two days before the deadline. I've also set up an automated reminder that will email both of us 24 hours before it's due. You won't need to remind me again—the system will ensure it."
• Bad: "Sorry I snapped at you."
  ​Good: "I apologize for snapping at you. This happened because I was stressed about work and didn't manage my state before coming home. To ensure it doesn't happen again, I'm implementing a 10-minute transition routine when I leave work—I'll either walk, sit in the car and breathe, or listen to something calming before I come in. If you notice me coming in tense, you can ask if I've done my transition routine, and I commit to taking it right then."

Notice the pattern:

• Specific error
• Root cause identified
• Concrete action/system
• Verification method

This is an apology that means something because it includes the plan to prevent recurrence.

Step 3: Implement Immediately

The apology means nothing if the new system doesn't get implemented immediately.

Not "I will do this."
But "I have done this, starting now."

If you apologize Monday but don't implement the system until "when I get around to it," you're still giving an Absolution Apology, just dressed up in better language.

Set up the system within 24 hours of the apology.

Ideally, before you even apologize.

Step 4: Prove It Through Changed Behavior

The only apology that matters is the one demonstrated through sustained behavior change.

• One week of changed behavior: Promising start
• One month: Building credibility
• Three months: Establishing pattern
• Six months: Trust rebuilding
• One year: Apology validated through action

If the behavior repeats within this timeline, the apology wasn't necessarily sincere.

Calling Others Out: The Hard Part

This is where most people fail. They'll accept this framework for themselves but won't enforce it with others.

Why It's Hard to Call People Out

1. You don't want to seem petty "It's just a small thing, why make a big deal out of it?"

Answer: It's not the size of the error that matters—it's the pattern of taking responsibility seriously or not.

2. You don't want to damage the relationship "If I push back, they'll be upset with me."

Answer: The relationship is already being damaged by the pattern. You're just making the damage visible instead of letting it accumulate silently.

3. You don't want to be "that person" "I don't want to be the hard-ass who can't let things go."

Answer: You're not being hard-ass by having standards. You're being a doormat by not having them.

4. You feel guilty about holding boundaries "Maybe I'm being too rigid. Maybe I should be more understanding."

Answer: Understanding doesn't mean accepting repeated disrespect of your time and boundaries.

5. You don't want to seem unforgiving "They said sorry, aren't I supposed to forgive them?"

Answer: Forgiveness and accountability aren't opposites. You can forgive and still require behavior change.

The Framework for Calling Others Out

First offense: Let it go (probably an accident)

Second offense (same issue): Address it directly

Use this script:

What this does:

• Acknowledges they apologized before (shows you're not being unreasonable)
• Points out the pattern (shows this isn't isolated)
• Makes it their responsibility to solve (puts accountability where it belongs)
• Asks for specific action (prevents another empty apology)

Their response tells you everything:

Option A: They get defensive "Wow, I said I was sorry. Why are you making such a big deal out of this?"

This tells you: They don't actually want to change; they want you to accept the behavior.

Your response: "I'm not making a big deal. I'm asking for what you'll do differently so it doesn't happen again. If that seems like too much, maybe we need to reconsider [the working relationship/arrangement/whatever the context is]."

Option B: They give another empty apology "I'm really sorry, it won't happen again."

This tells you: They still don't understand that words without action are meaningless.

Your response: "I appreciate the apology. What specific system or change are you implementing to ensure that?"

Option C: They take accountability "You're right, this is on me. Here's what I'm going to do differently: [specific action]. Can we check in [timeframe] to confirm I've followed through?"

This tells you: They get it. They're worth investing in.

Your response: "That sounds like a solid plan. I appreciate you taking responsibility. Let's check in [agreed timeframe]."

The Consequences Conversation

If it happens a third time, the conversation escalates:

Possible consequences (depending on context):

• "I'll no longer rely on you for this task"
• "I'll need to escalate this to [manager/authority]"
• "I'll need to end this working relationship"
• "I'll need to create distance in this friendship"
• "I'll need to reconsider this arrangement"

The key: You must follow through if it happens again. If you threaten consequences and don't enforce them, you've taught them that even your boundaries are negotiable.

The Leadership Component

Personal Leadership First

Before you can call anyone else out, you must hold yourself to the same standard.

This means:

• When you fuck up, you give Accountability Apologies, not Absolution Apologies
• You implement systems immediately
• You prove through behavior that you meant it
• You don't make excuses
• You don't ask for passes you wouldn't give others

You cannot expect from others what you don't demonstrate yourself.

I had to get ruthless with myself first.

Every time I caught myself giving an empty "sorry," I had to stop and ask:

• What system is missing?
• What will I actually change?
• How will I prove it?

Only after I held myself to this standard could I credibly hold others to it.

Leading Others Through Accountability

When you lead a team—at work, on the mat, in your family—accepting empty apologies is a failure of leadership.

Why:

• You're allowing mediocrity
• You're teaching people that standards are optional
• You're wasting everyone's time with repeated errors
• You're building a culture where "sorry" is currency instead of changed behavior
• You're enabling people to stay stuck instead of growing

The hard truth: Every time you accept an empty apology, you're choosing short-term comfort over long-term effectiveness.

It's uncomfortable to call people out. It feels harsh. It risks the relationship.

But here's what's harsher: Letting someone repeat the same mistakes for months or years, never growing, never learning, until eventually you're so frustrated you explode or cut them off completely.

Better to have the hard conversation early when the stakes are low than to let resentment build until the relationship is unsalvageable.

The Mat Taught Me This

On the martial arts mat, empty apologies are obvious inconsiderations and can be dangerous for you and for other students.

If someone keeps making the same error in technique and says "sorry" every time, the instructor doesn't just accept it.

The instructor stops the class and says:

Why this works:

• It makes the person actually accountable for the problem
• It prevents the error from becoming a habit
• It shows respect for everyone's time and safety
• It maintains standards
• It teaches accountability

The same principle applies everywhere:

• At work: "Sorry doesn't complete the project. Show me the system you've implemented to hit deadlines."
• In relationships: "Sorry doesn't rebuild trust. Show me through consistent behavior that you value what I've asked for."
• In parenting: "Sorry doesn't teach the lesson. Show me you understand by making a different choice next time."

The Small Stuff Matters Most

You might think, "This seems like overkill for small mistakes."

That's exactly backwards.

The small stuff is where you train the pattern.

Taking care of the important but not urgent issues is what prevents them from becoming important AND urgent fires that need to be addressed.

If someone is consistently late by 5 minutes and you accept "sorry" every time, you're teaching them:

• Your time doesn't matter
• Standards are negotiable
• Words are enough; action is optional
• Small disrespects are acceptable

Over time, those small disrespects become large ones.

The person who's always "just 5 minutes late" might eventually show up 30 minutes late.

The person who "just forgot this one small thing" can eventually forget major commitments.

The person who gives empty apologies for minor issues will give empty apologies for major ones.

You're not making a mountain out of a molehill by addressing the small stuff. You're preventing the molehill from becoming a mountain.

The Human Nature Factor

As people, we tend to want to make our lives easier, even if it means making other people's lives harder.

This isn't malicious—it's just human nature.

If I can say "sorry" and you'll accept it without requiring me to actually change anything, of course I'll keep doing that.

It's easier than implementing new systems, changing habits, and doing the hard work of actual accountability.

Your job as a leader (of yourself and others) is to make accountability easier than avoidance.

When you consistently require Accountability Apologies and enforce consequences for repeated errors, you're creating an environment where:

• It's harder to give empty apologies than to actually change
• People learn to solve problems instead of just apologizing for them
• Standards are clear and enforced
• Everyone's time and energy are respected

How to Implement This Starting Today

For Yourself:

1. The next time you mess up, use the Accountability Apology Formula:

2. Implement the system within 24 hours.

3. Track it for 30 days to prove to yourself you meant it.

For Others:

1. The next time someone gives you an empty apology for a repeated error, use the script:

2. If they deflect or give another empty apology, push for specifics:

3. If it happens a third time, have the consequences conversation.

4. Follow through on stated consequences.

The Commitment:

This week, identify:

• One area where you've been giving Absolution Apologies → Replace with Accountability Apologies
• One person who's been giving you repeated empty apologies → Have the conversation
• One small repeated error you've been accepting → Address it

Start small. Build the muscle. Get comfortable with the discomfort.

Conclusion: Sorry Isn't Enough

"Sorry" is just a word.

What matters is:

• The analysis of why the error happened
• The system implemented to prevent recurrence
• The behavior change that proves you meant it

Without those three things, "sorry" is bullshit.

If you want to be a leader—first of yourself, then of others—you must:

1. Stop giving empty apologies
2. Stop accepting them from others
3. Require accountability through action, not just words
4. Enforce consequences when behavior doesn't change

Yes, this is hard.

Yes, it's uncomfortable to call people out, especially for "small things."

Yes, you risk seeming harsh or unforgiving.

But here's what's harder:

• Wasting years of your life accepting repeated disrespect
• Building relationships on a foundation of empty words
• Leading teams that never improve because accountability is optional
• Becoming the person who says "sorry" but never changes

You train people how to treat you.

If you accept empty apologies, you're training them that your standards are negotiable, your time doesn't matter, and their comfort is more important than your respect.

Stop doing that.

Say sorry when you fuck up. Then show, through immediate action and sustained behavior change, that you meant it.

Require the same from others.

That's leadership.