Fighting Fantasyland: Why "Should" is the Most Dangerous Word in English

Every day I hear the same refrain: X "should" Y... and all the different versions of it.

Whenever I hear the word "should," I believe people are living a fantasy in their own head, their own silo of thinking, and their own laziness of knowing human nature.

I don't mean to be pessimistic but realistic, understanding what statisticians call the Law of Large Numbers — when you're dealing with enough people over enough time, patterns emerge that are as predictable as gravity.

So there's a question you need to answer:

Are you fighting human nature or working with it?

The difference between these two approaches determines whether you'll spend your life frustrated by reality or successfully navigating it.

Those who work with human nature build empires.

Those who fight it build fantasies.

The Fantasyland Epidemic

We live in an age of unprecedented delusion.

People walk around with elaborate mental models of how the world "should" work, completely disconnected from how it actually does work.

This isn't just naive optimism — it's a systematic rejection of observable patterns in favor of comforting illusions.

The Anatomy of "Should" Thinking

"Should" statements reveal several dangerous assumptions:

Assumption 1: Reality is Wrong​
When someone says "People should be more grateful," they're essentially arguing that millions of years of evolution got it wrong. They're suggesting that human nature itself is defective rather than considering that their expectations might be unrealistic.

Assumption 2: Complexity Has Simple Solutions​
"Politicians should just work together" ignores the reality of competing interests, power dynamics, and the fundamental structure of political systems. It's like saying "Gravity should work differently."

Assumption 3: Other People Share Your Values and Priorities​
"My employees should care about this company as much as I do" assumes that people with different stakes, different compensation structures, and different life circumstances will somehow develop identical motivations.

Assumption 4: Moral Declarations Change Behavior​
"People should be honest" has been said for thousands of years, yet humans continue to lie, cheat, and deceive at predictable rates. The declaration does nothing to address the underlying incentives that drive dishonesty.

The Cost of Fantasy Living

Living in Fantasyland isn't just intellectually embarrassing — it's expensive:

In Business: Companies fail because founders assume customers "should" buy their products based on features rather than understanding what customers actually want.

In Relationships: Marriages collapse because partners assume their spouse "should" think and feel the way they do rather than accepting their actual personality and love language.​

In Management: Leaders burn out trying to motivate employees through inspiration alone, ignoring the basic human needs for security, recognition, and fair compensation.

In Politics: Policies fail because they're designed for how people "should" behave rather than how they actually do behave.

The Bezos Blueprint: Building on Human Truth

​Jeff Bezos built Amazon on three truths:

People will always want more things, cheaper and faster.

Focusing on the customer more is what allowed him to become the giant in retail almost overnight.

Bezos didn't try to change human nature — he built his business model around it.

This is the fundamental difference between entrepreneurs who succeed and those who fail.

The successful ones accept reality as their starting point.

The Three Pillars of Amazon's Success

More Things (Selection): Instead of lamenting that people are materialistic or that they want too many options, Bezos built a system to give them access to everything. He didn't judge this desire — he served it.

Cheaper (Price): Rather than wishing people weren't so price-sensitive or lecturing them about supporting small businesses, he created efficiencies that allowed for lower prices. He worked with human nature's preference for better deals.

Faster (Speed): Instead of hoping people would be more patient or content with slower delivery, he invested billions in logistics to deliver things faster. He turned human impatience into a competitive advantage.

The Customer Obsession Philosophy

Bezos's "customer obsession" wasn't altruism — it was pragmatism.

He understood that in a competitive marketplace, the companies that serve human nature most effectively will win.

This required:

Constant Research: Continuously studying what customers actually do, not what they say they do or what you think they should do.

Systems Thinking: Building infrastructure that makes it easier for humans to get what they want rather than trying to change what they want.

Long-term Investment: Understanding that serving human nature sometimes requires short-term sacrifices for long-term gains.

Iterative Improvement: Constantly refining the customer experience based on behavioral data rather than assumptions.

The Foreman's Formula: Managing Human Nature

I learned about human nature and learned how to apply it when I was a foreman.

I developed my "spiel" of 3 assumptions and 3 asks to make sure we were all on the same page working together.

This approach used practical psychology to set a work standard for my crew.

Instead of hoping workers would magically transform into ideal employees, I built a management system around how people actually think and behave.

The Three Universal Human Motivations

I started with the three assumptions that I felt all workers wanted:

Money: "I assume you're here to make your money, you're not doing this just for fun, shit and giggles for free."

This acknowledges the fundamental truth that work is a transaction. Most management problems stem from pretending that employees should be motivated by the same things that motivate owners. By stating this assumption upfront, I eliminated the pretense and built trust through honesty.

Autonomy: "While you are here at work, you don't want to be fucked with, you want the freedom to just do your job without drama."

This recognizes that competent adults prefer to be left alone to do their work. Micromanagement violates this basic human need and creates resentment. By acknowledging this need, I could structure work in a way that satisfied it while still achieving goals.

Safety: "You want to go home in one piece, not leave the job via an ambulance or a hearse."

This addresses the most basic human motivation — survival. By making safety an explicit shared value, I aligned everyone's self-interest with company objectives.

The Three Reasonable Requests

I then continued with my three asks:

Ownership: "Any project you're given, own it like it's yours, don't leave loose ends or overt mistakes for others to clean up after you."

This request works because it appeals to pride — a fundamental human motivation. It also creates clear accountability without ambiguity about standards.

Reciprocal Autonomy: "Don't make your coworkers' jobs harder, get your own material, tools and stuff, let them do their job in the same autonomy that you want to be left alone to do your job."

This leverages the principle of reciprocity and the Golden Rule. It's not asking people to be altruistic — it's asking them to extend the same consideration they want to receive.

Career Self-Interest: "Your job is to make your immediate supervisor's job easier, better and happier."

I would explain how I had learned this the hard way by getting smoked at the Getty museum job on PCH.

This was the most powerful lesson because it aligned personal advancement with company objectives. It wasn't about loyalty or company spirit — it was about enlightened self-interest.

The System's Genius

This approach worked because it:

Started with Reality: Instead of hoping people would change, I accepted them as they were and worked from there.

Created Win-Win Scenarios: Every request served both individual and collective interests.

Established Clear Boundaries: Everyone knew exactly what was expected and what would happen if expectations weren't met.

Removed Emotion: When problems arose, I could refer back to our original agreement rather than making it personal.

Respected Intelligence: I treated people as rational actors capable of understanding cause and effect rather than children who needed to be manipulated.

The Getty Lesson: Learning Reality the Hard Way

I would share the story of me getting laid off at the Getty job because I had not learned my job... their job is to make their immediate supervisor's job easier, better and happier, and it didn't matter how good of a mechanic they were, if they were a pain in the ass, they are always first on the layoff list.

This story illustrates a crucial point:

Technical competence without political awareness is a recipe for failure.

Most people live in Fantasyland about workplace dynamics, believing that being good at their job is enough. Reality is more complex.

The Real Rules of Employment

Rule 1: You're Replaceable​
No matter how skilled you are, someone else can probably do your job adequately enough. Your security comes not from being irreplaceable but from being valuable and easy to work with.

Rule 2: Politics Matter More Than Performance​
A mediocre employee who makes everyone's life easier will outlast a brilliant employee who creates problems. This isn't fair — it's just true.

Rule 3: Perception is Reality​
It doesn't matter how hard you work or how good your intentions are. What matters is how your behavior affects others and how they perceive that impact.

Rule 4: Your Boss is Human​
They have their own pressures, fears, and motivations. Understanding and working with these realities is part of your job, whether it's in your job description or not.

The Universal Career Principle

The fundamental truth:

Your job is to make your boss's life easier, better, and happier.

This isn't about being subservient or losing your dignity. It's about understanding organizational reality.

When you make your boss look good, they have incentive to keep you around and promote you.

When you make their job harder, you become a liability regardless of your other skills.

This isn't evil or unfair — it's human nature applied to organizational structures.

Working With vs. Fighting Human Nature

The central question remains:

Are you working with or against human nature?

Your answer to this question will determine your effectiveness in almost every area of life.

Characteristics of Those Who Work With Human Nature

They Study Patterns: Instead of hoping people will change, they observe how people actually behave under different circumstances and build systems accordingly.

They Design for Reality: Their plans, businesses, and relationships are built around human behavior as it is, not as it should be.

They Use Incentives: They understand that people respond to consequences and design systems that align individual incentives with desired outcomes.

They Accept Limitations: They don't waste energy being frustrated by human nature's constraints. Instead, they work within those constraints to achieve their goals.

They Test Assumptions: Rather than assuming their worldview is correct, they continuously test their beliefs against observable results.

Characteristics of Those Who Fight Human Nature

They Rely on "Should" Statements: Their conversations are filled with moral declarations about how people ought to behave rather than observations about how they do behave.

They Expect Miracles: They design systems that require people to act against their self-interest out of principle or goodwill.

They Take Things Personally: When people act according to predictable patterns, they interpret it as personal betrayal rather than natural behavior.

They Repeat Failed Strategies: When something doesn't work, they try harder rather than questioning their assumptions.

They Blame Others: When their expectations aren't met, they focus on changing other people rather than changing their approach.

Practical Applications: Working With Human Nature

In Business

Pricing Strategy: Don't price based on what customers "should" pay. Price based on what they will pay given their alternatives and perceived value.

Employee Management: Don't expect loyalty from people you're not invested in. Create systems where acting in their self-interest also serves company goals.

Marketing: Don't sell people what they "should" want. Sell them what they actually want and show them how your product delivers it.

Customer Service: Don't design policies based on how customers "should" behave. Design them around how they actually do behave when frustrated, confused, or disappointed.

In Relationships

Communication: Don't expect your partner to communicate the way you "should." Learn their actual communication style and adapt accordingly.

Motivation: Don't assume what motivates you will motivate others. Discover what actually drives them and speak to those motivations.

Conflict Resolution: Don't expect people to be purely rational during conflicts. Account for emotion, ego, and face-saving in your approach.

Expectations: Don't expect people to change fundamental aspects of their personality. Accept who they are and decide if you can work with that reality.

In Leadership

Vision Communication: Don't just explain what people should do. Explain why it's in their interest to do it.

Change Management: Don't expect people to embrace change because it's logical. Address their fears, provide support, and show clear benefits.

Performance Management: Don't rely on inspiration alone. Create systems that make good performance easier and poor performance harder.

Team Building: Don't expect natural harmony. Design roles, processes, and incentives that make cooperation beneficial for everyone.

The Law of Large Numbers in Human Behavior

I'm not pessimistic but realistic using the Law of Large Numbers.​

This statistical principle reveals that individual behavior might be unpredictable, but group behavior follows reliable patterns.

Predictable Human Patterns

Self-Interest: Given choices, most people will choose options that benefit them personally.

Loss Aversion: People work harder to avoid losses than to achieve equivalent gains.

Social Proof: People copy what they see others doing, especially in uncertain situations.

Authority Response: People tend to comply with legitimate authority figures.

Reciprocity: People feel obligated to return favors and respond to how they're treated.

Consistency: People strive to act consistently with their previous commitments and identity.

Using These Patterns Effectively

Design Systems Around Predictability: Instead of hoping people will act altruistically, create systems where self-interest serves the common good.

Plan for Exceptions: While patterns are reliable for groups, individuals can behave unpredictably. Build in flexibility for outliers.

Test and Measure: Use data to confirm that human behavior is matching your assumptions. Adjust when it doesn't.

Communicate in Pattern Language: Frame your requests and communications in ways that align with predictable human responses.

The Fantasyland Antidote: Radical Acceptance

The cure for Fantasyland living is radical acceptance of human nature combined with strategic action based on that acceptance.

Steps to Reality-Based Thinking

1. Eliminate "Should" from Your Vocabulary​
Replace "should" statements with "is" observations. Instead of "People should be more grateful," try "People tend to take things for granted unless reminded of their value."

2. Study Human Behavior​
Read psychology, behavioral economics, and history. Understand the patterns that have repeated for thousands of years.

3. Test Your Assumptions​
When your expectations aren't met, ask what you assumed about human nature that proved incorrect.

4. Design for Actual Humans​
Build systems, relationships, and strategies around how people actually behave, not how you wish they behaved.

5. Measure Results​
Use outcomes, not intentions, to evaluate whether you're working with or against human nature.

The Paradox of Acceptance

Here's the paradox:

When you stop trying to change human nature and start working with it, you become far more effective at influencing human behavior.

People sense when you accept them as they are versus when you're trying to make them something else.

This acceptance creates trust, which creates influence.

Conclusion: Building Success on Truth

The most successful people in any field — business, politics, relationships, leadership — share one common characteristic:

They build their strategies on accurate understanding of human nature rather than wishful thinking about how people should behave.

Jeff Bezos didn't create Amazon by hoping people would become less materialistic. He created it by serving their materialism better than anyone else.

My success as a foreman didn't come from inspiring workers to transcend their self-interest. It came from aligning their self-interest with project success.

The most successful relationships aren't between people who've overcome human nature. They're between people who understand and work with each other's actual personalities and motivations.

The choice is simple:

You can spend your life frustrated that reality doesn't match your fantasies, or you can build your success on the foundation of truth.

Stop fighting human nature.

Start working with it.

Stop living in Fantasyland.

Start building in reality.

The question isn't whether human nature is good or bad — it's whether you're smart enough to work with it instead of against it.

Your success in every area of life depends on getting this answer right.

Then life becomes an E-Ticket ride!​

Human nature isn't a bug in the system.

It's the operating system itself. Learn to code for it, and you can build anything.

Keep fighting it, and you'll keep wondering why your programs crash.

The reality is this:

Human nature hasn't changed in thousands of years. It's not going to change for you.

The question is: What are you going to do with that information?