Before You Can Turn the Ship Around, You Have to See Who’s Steering It

Have you ever stopped to wonder how you ended up where you are?

Not geographically.

I mean in your life.

The job you’re doing. The habits you’ve developed. The people you spend time with. The things you do every day without giving them much thought.

How much of that did you deliberately choose?

And how much did you simply fall into?

Maybe you followed the path your parents expected. Maybe you accepted a job because it was available, stayed because the money was decent, and woke up ten years later wondering where the time went.

Maybe you’ve been working hard, doing everything you’re supposed to do, and still have this nagging feeling that something isn’t quite right.

You’re busy.

You’re responsible.

You’re getting things done.

But are you actually going somewhere you want to go?

That’s a different question.

And it might be one of the most important questions you’ll ever ask yourself.

The Submarine That Was Doing What It Was Told

There’s a fascinating story in L. David Marquet’s book, Turn the Ship Around!

Marquet was a U.S. Navy captain assigned to take command of the USS Santa Fe, a nuclear-powered attack submarine.

The submarine had been struggling. Morale was low. Performance wasn’t where it needed to be. Retention was a problem.

But the issue wasn’t simply that the sailors were lazy or incompetent.

They’d been trained to follow orders.

The captain commanded. The officers passed instructions down the chain. The crew carried them out.

That’s how things were supposed to work.

Except Marquet discovered a serious weakness in that system.

Early in his command, he gave an instruction that couldn’t actually be carried out as directed.

The crew attempted to comply anyway.

Why?

Because the captain had ordered it.

Think about that for a moment.

These were trained professionals operating an incredibly sophisticated machine, capable of handling responsibilities that most of us will never encounter.

Yet their training and organizational culture had conditioned them to follow an instruction even when someone closer to the equipment could have recognized the problem.

They were doing what they’d been told.

But doing what you’re told isn’t always the same as doing what needs to be done.

Marquet realized that changing the submarine’s performance meant changing the way its people thought and made decisions.

Instead of one leader surrounded by followers, he wanted leaders at every level.

He called it the leader-leader model.​

And while his book is about organizational leadership, I think there’s a personal lesson here that most of us could benefit from.

Who’s Giving the Orders in Your Life?

Imagine your life as a ship.

Who’s the captain?

You might say, “Well, I am, obviously.”

Okay.

But let’s test that.

• Who decided what success should look like for you?
• Who taught you how to handle money?
• Who influenced what you believe about relationships, work, health, and responsibility?
• Where did your habits come from?

And here’s a particularly interesting question:

Which of those beliefs have you actually examined for yourself?

There are good reasons we learn from the people around us. We couldn’t function if we had to rediscover everything from scratch.

Parents teach us how to live. Teachers teach us how to learn. Experienced coworkers show us how to do a job.

That’s valuable.

But people can only teach us what they know.

Sometimes they pass along wisdom.

Sometimes they pass along limitations.

And sometimes they pass along habits they’ve never questioned themselves.

If you’re not paying attention, those inherited instructions can quietly become the operating system of your life.

You keep following them because they’re familiar.

Not necessarily because they’re taking you somewhere worthwhile.

My Motorcycle, Too Much Espresso, and Three Questions

I started recognizing this in my own life sometime around 1990.

I was an electrical apprentice, working early mornings and attending apprenticeship school a couple nights a week.

On evenings when I wasn’t working, studying, or training martial arts, I’d sometimes ride my motorcycle to Elysee Café in Westwood.

I’d bring a notebook and order espresso.

Sometimes a couple of double espressos.

The ridiculous thing was that I could drink all that caffeine, go home, fall asleep, and still wake up around four in the morning for work.

Apparently, my body hadn’t yet received the memo that I was supposed to have limits.

But I wasn’t going there just for the coffee.

I was trying to figure out my life.

Because although I was doing reasonably well as an apprentice, I was also making some pretty stupid decisions.

Me and a buddy had a weekly ritual. Thursday was the "weekend warm-up, dinner and heading to the local sports bar." Friday and Saturday involved even more drinking.

​Foster’s 25-ounce oil cans, shots, kamikazes, and other drinks.

I estimate that during those outings I could consume the equivalent of about twelve standard drinks.

I weighed roughly 110 pounds.

Heavy drinking and riding a motorcycle were both part of my life at the time.

Looking back, I was taking serious risks.

I was a fucking idiot.

And here’s what eventually disturbed me.

I recognized that some of my behavior resembled patterns I’d seen in my biological father, who had struggled with alcoholism and died young.

I was functioning.

I was learning a trade.

I was getting up early and doing my job.

But none of that meant I was building the life I wanted.

That realization didn’t arrive in one dramatic flash.

It emerged slowly, over many evenings with my notebook.

And I kept coming back to three questions.

• Where am I?
• How did I get here?
• Where do I want to go?

Those questions didn’t magically fix anything.

But they made it harder to keep living without examining the direction I was heading.

And that’s something you can do, too, regardless of where you are in life.

You Don’t Need to Know the Destination Yet

Here’s where people often get stuck.

They realize something needs to change, so they immediately start demanding answers from themselves.

• What’s my five-year plan?
• What career should I pursue?
• How much money do I need?
• What should I do with the rest of my life?

Those are worthwhile questions.

But they’re also enormous.

And when you don’t have the answers, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed.

So you postpone the whole exercise.

You go back to your routine because at least it’s familiar.

I did plenty of that.

I started reading self-help books, business books, and books about money and personal development.

Some helped. Some confused me. And plenty of the ideas made more sense years later than they did when I first encountered them.

What mattered was that I was beginning to develop the ability to question my assumptions.

Not every answer had to arrive immediately.

Sometimes the first useful thing you can do is recognize that the direction you’re heading doesn’t match the life you want to build.

Awareness doesn’t solve the problem. It gives you a chance to start solving it.

Three Things You Need to Change Direction

Marquet’s leadership approach rests on three interconnected ideas:

Control. Competence. Clarity.

They’re useful concepts for organizations.

And I think they offer a valuable framework for personal leadership, too.

1. Control — Recognize What You Can Actually Decide

You don’t control everything that happens to you.

You can’t control the economy, your upbringing, other people’s decisions, or every opportunity that comes your way.

But you can begin identifying the decisions that genuinely belong to you.

• How you spend some of your time.
• What skills you develop.
• Which habits you reinforce.
• How you respond to setbacks.
• Which advice you accept.

For example, you might not be able to leave a job you dislike tomorrow.

You’ve got bills. Maybe a family. Responsibilities.

But you might be able to begin learning a new skill, exploring other opportunities, or setting aside a little money to give yourself more options.

That’s not complete freedom.

It’s exercising the control you actually have.

And that’s where leadership begins.

2. Competence — Become Capable of Making Better Decisions

Taking responsibility doesn’t automatically mean you know what you’re doing.

I certainly didn’t.

When I began questioning my financial future, I knew very little about building assets.

I knew how to work.

I didn’t yet understand much about how to make the money I earned support a longer-term plan.

So I started reading and learning.

That didn’t make me financially sophisticated overnight.

It gave me a starting point.

The same principle applies anywhere.

If you want to get stronger, learn how to train effectively.

If you want better relationships, learn how to listen and communicate.

If you want more financial stability, start understanding spending, saving, investing, and risk.

If you want to improve at Brazilian jiu-jitsu, don’t simply collect techniques. Learn why they work, when they work, and what conditions make them appropriate.

Responsibility without competence can turn into reckless confidence.

Marquet understood that giving people more control required helping them develop the judgment to use it wisely.

We should hold ourselves to the same standard.

3. Clarity — Decide What Actually Matters

You can work hard and become highly competent at something that doesn’t take you where you want to go.

That’s why clarity matters.

Not a perfectly detailed ten-year plan.

A direction.

• What kind of relationships do you want?
• What does meaningful work look like?
• What role should money play in your life?
• How much time do you want for family, friends, learning, adventure, and simply enjoying yourself?

Those questions are personal.

And your answers may be different from the answers your parents, teachers, friends, or coworkers would give.

That’s fine.

Their lives aren’t yours.

The important thing is to start examining your own priorities rather than borrowing someone else’s without realizing it.

When you combine control, competence, and clarity, you begin to have something more useful than a collection of ambitions.

You have a way of making decisions.

Three Words That Change How You Think

One of my favorite ideas from Marquet’s book is a simple phrase:

“I intend to…“

On the submarine, the phrase helped shift people away from passively waiting for orders.

Rather than constantly asking what they should do, sailors began communicating the actions they intended to take.

Their reasoning could be checked. Their competence could be developed. Necessary authorization still mattered.

But the thinking no longer had to come exclusively from the captain.

Now imagine applying that approach to an ordinary part of your life.

Instead of saying:

“I really need to get in better shape.”

Try:

“I intend to walk for twenty minutes after dinner on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.”

Instead of:

“I should get better with money.”

Try:

“I intend to review my spending this weekend and identify one expense I can reduce.”

Instead of:

“I wish I had more time for my family.”

Try:

“I intend to set aside Saturday afternoon without work or unnecessary distractions.”

Notice the difference?

The first statements describe wishes.

The second statements describe decisions.

They don’t guarantee results.

But they give you something you can actually evaluate.

• Did you do it?
• What happened?
• What got in the way?
• What should you change next time?

That’s how competence develops.

Through action, feedback, and adjustment.

And if an action involves other people, financial consequences, safety, or authority you don’t have, stating your intention is the start of a responsible conversation—not permission to act unilaterally.

You Can Lead From Wherever You Stand

There’s another important lesson in Turn the Ship Around!

Leadership isn’t reserved for the person with the highest rank.

Think about your workplace.

Maybe you’re an apprentice, employee, instructor, supervisor, or owner.

You might not get to decide the organization’s priorities.

But you can notice problems, ask useful questions, propose improvements, and take responsibility for the work within your authority.

You can become the person who thinks instead of simply waiting.

The same applies on the mat.

You don’t need a black belt to train with intention.

You can ask yourself what position you’re trying to achieve, what your partner is doing, why a technique failed, and what you should practice next.

And you can contribute to a better training culture by being a thoughtful, safe, helpful partner.

You don’t need to be the instructor to influence how people treat one another.

At home, leadership might mean having a difficult conversation rather than avoiding it.

Or admitting you were wrong.

Or asking someone what they need instead of assuming you already know.

None of those actions requires a title.

They require awareness, judgment, and willingness to act responsibly.

And that brings us back to the question we started with.

What Course Are You Following?

Think about one area of your life that feels stuck.

Maybe it’s work.

Maybe it’s your health.

Maybe it’s money, a relationship, or a habit you’ve been promising yourself you’ll change.

Before you start looking for another productivity trick or motivational speech, ask a simpler question:

How did I end up doing things this way?

Was it a conscious decision?

A habit?

Something someone taught you?

A response to circumstances that have since changed?

And most importantly:

Does it still make sense?

You might discover that you’re already heading in a direction you genuinely want.

Excellent.

Keep going, and improve how you’re navigating.

Or you might recognize that some adjustment is overdue.

That doesn’t mean you have to throw away everything you’ve built.

It means you have an opportunity to make a more deliberate decision.

When I was sitting in that Westwood café with my journal, I didn’t suddenly become a different person.

I was still an apprentice.

I still had plenty to learn.

And I still made mistakes.

But asking those questions helped me begin separating the life I was living from the life I actually wanted to build.

You can begin that process without a dramatic crisis, a new job, or a complete reinvention.

Sometimes it starts with a quiet evening, a notebook, and enough willingness to examine your own life.

The ship doesn’t turn all at once.

But it won’t change direction simply because you’re working hard aboard it.

Someone has to start steering.

And when it comes to your life, that responsibility belongs to you.

⚔ The Dojo Drill — Check Your Heading

Take five minutes today.

Find a notebook, open a blank document, or sit somewhere you can think without interruption.

Answer three questions.

1. Where am I?

Look honestly at one area of your life.

What is actually happening? What is working? What isn’t?

Don’t judge yourself. Gather information.

2. How did I get here?

Which decisions, habits, expectations, and circumstances helped create your current situation?

What have you been doing automatically?

What assumptions might be worth questioning?

3. Where do I want to go?

You don’t need to map out the rest of your life.

Identify one direction that would make things better.

Then complete this sentence:

“I intend to…“

Choose one specific action you can take this week.

Something small enough to do, meaningful enough to matter, and genuinely within your control.

Next week, look back and see what you learned.

Because personal leadership isn’t about getting every decision right.

It’s about becoming someone who pays attention, learns, and takes responsibility for the next one.

📚 From the Leader’s Library

​Turn the Ship Around! A True Story of Turning Followers into Leaders — L. David Marquet​

Why?

Most people spend their lives following instructions, meeting expectations, and repeating habits they rarely question. Marquet challenges us to develop something more valuable: the ability to think independently, take responsibility, and lead wherever we stand.

Turn the Ship Around! tells how a Navy captain helped transform the culture of a struggling submarine by developing leadership throughout its crew. Through the principles of control, competence, clarity, and the phrase “I intend to…”, the book demonstrates how organizations can build capable leaders instead of dependent followers.

It’s a reminder that leadership isn’t just about having authority over others. It’s about developing the judgment and responsibility to make better decisions—and helping those around you do the same.