Be Curious, Not Critical

The single shift in thinking that changes how you see people, solve problems, and lead.

I remember reading a story Stephen Covey told that stopped me cold.

Picture this:

Early Sunday morning. Nearly empty subway car. Peaceful, quiet ride.

Then a father gets on with his two young kids.

The kids start running around. Jumping on seats. Yelling. Disrupting the calm.

And the father? Just sitting there. Head down. Doing nothing.

Covey watches this for a few minutes. Gets more and more irritated.

Finally, he can't take it anymore. He gets up, walks over to the father, and says something firm about controlling his kids. About respect for other passengers. About basic decency.

The father slowly looks up. Eyes red and tired.

He glances around at his kids like he's seeing them for the first time.

Then quietly says:

Covey's irritation evaporated instantly.

Replaced by empathy. Compassion. A desire to help.

Same situation. Same kids. Same noise.

But completely different understanding.

Why?

Because Covey went from critical to curious. From judging to understanding. From assumption to reality.

And here's the thing:

We do this every single day.

A car cuts you off on the freeway. You think: "What an asshole."

Maybe. Or maybe they're rushing to the hospital because their kid got hurt.

Someone snaps at you in a meeting. You think: "What's their problem?"

Maybe nothing. Or maybe they just found out they're getting laid off and they're terrified.

Someone doesn't respond to your text for three days. You think: "They don't respect my time."

Maybe. Or maybe they're dealing with something you know nothing about.

We make up stories.

We fill in blanks with judgment instead of curiosity.

We criticize instead of seeking to understand.

And it costs us. More than we realize.

You're Creating Stories Instead of Seeking Truth

Here's what most people do when they encounter behavior they don't understand:

• They judge it
• They assume incompetence, malice, laziness, or stupidity
• They create a narrative that explains it in the worst possible light

And then they act based on that assumption.

The problem?

Your assumption is almost always wrong.

Not because you're a bad person.

But because you don't have complete information.

• You don't know what someone else is dealing with
• You don't know what happened before the moment you entered the situation
• You don't know the pressure they're under, the pain they're carrying, or the context that shapes their behavior

But instead of staying curious and seeking to understand, you jump to critical and act on incomplete data.

And that choice—criticism over curiosity—changes everything.

It changes how you respond.

It changes the quality of your relationships.

It changes your ability to lead.

It changes the energy you bring into every interaction.

Most people don't even realize they're doing it.

It's automatic. Reflexive. A habit built over years of reacting instead of responding.

But here's the truth:

Criticism closes doors.

Curiosity opens them.

The Cost: Broken Relationships, Missed Opportunities, and Wasted Energy

Let's talk about what being critical actually costs you.

Relationships That Never Develop

Every time you choose criticism over curiosity, you close a door.

You make someone defensive.

You create distance instead of connection.

You signal:

And people feel that.

They pull back. They stop sharing. They stop trusting.

Over time, you become the guy people avoid. The guy people don't bring problems to. The guy people work around instead of working with.

Not because you're wrong. But because you're critical.

Problems That Never Get Solved

Curiosity reveals root causes.

Criticism just finds someone to blame.

When something goes wrong and your first instinct is to criticize, you stop learning.

You stop asking why it happened.

You stop exploring what could be done differently.

You just find a scapegoat and move on.

And the problem? It happens again. Because you never understood it in the first place.

Energy You'll Never Get Back

Being critical is exhausting.

It puts you in constant conflict with the world around you.

Everyone is doing things wrong. Everyone is incompetent. Everyone is the problem.

And you're the only one who sees it clearly.

That's a lonely, frustrating way to live.

It drains your energy. It creates resentment. It makes you cynical.

Curiosity, on the other hand, creates energy.

It opens possibilities. It invites collaboration. It makes problems interesting instead of infuriating.

One mode burns you out. The other fuels you.

Criticism vs. Curiosity

Here's the clean line most people miss:

Criticism assumes you already know the answer.

Curiosity assumes you don't—and seeks to find out.

Criticism says: "You screwed up."

Curiosity asks: "What happened?"

Criticism says: "You should have known better."

Curiosity asks: "What were you thinking?"

Criticism says: "This is wrong."

Curiosity asks: "Help me understand your reasoning."

Same situation. Completely different energy.

One shuts people down. The other opens them up.

One creates defensiveness. The other creates dialogue.

One makes you an adversary. The other makes you a partner.

Here's the test:

When something goes wrong, what's your first internal response?

If it's "Who's to blame?" or "Why didn't they just...?" you're in criticism mode.

If it's "What happened here?" or "What was going on that led to this?" you're in curiosity mode.

One mode makes you right. The other mode makes you effective.

How to Shift From Critical to Curious

Here's the playbook for making curiosity your default instead of criticism.

Step 1: Catch Yourself in the Act

Awareness is the first step.

Start noticing when you're being critical.

When you're making assumptions about someone's motives, intelligence, or character.

When you're creating a story to explain behavior instead of asking questions.

You can't change what you don't notice.

So start paying attention to your internal narrative.

Step 2: Pause Before You React

When you feel criticism rising, pause.

Take a breath.

Remind yourself:

That pause creates space between stimulus and response.

It gives you the chance to choose curiosity instead of defaulting to criticism.

Step 3: Ask a Question Instead of Making a Statement

This is the simplest, most powerful shift you can make.

Instead of: "You're late again."

Try: "What's going on? This isn't like you."

Instead of: "This work is sloppy."

Try: "Walk me through your process here. I want to understand."

Instead of: "Why didn't you follow the plan?"

Try: "What changed that made you adjust the approach?"

Questions open doors. Statements close them.

Step 4: Assume Positive Intent

Most people aren't trying to screw things up.

They're doing the best they can with the information, resources, and capacity they have.

If you start from the assumption that people are generally trying to do good work, your questions change.

You stop looking for fault and start looking for understanding.

And that changes everything.

Step 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood

​This is straight from Covey.​

Before you explain your perspective, seek to fully understand theirs.

Ask questions. Listen. Reflect back what you're hearing.

Only after you've genuinely understood their side should you share yours.

Most people do this backward. They lead with their criticism, then wonder why the other person gets defensive.

Flip the order. Curiosity first. Correction second.

Proof Through Life: The Cruise Ship Lesson

For almost 15 years, my wife has been taking me on Law of Attraction cruises.

At first, I was critical.

I thought the people on these trips were "woo woo." Detached from reality. Looking for shortcuts instead of just doing the hard work.

I judged them before I knew them.

But my wife kept inviting me. And I kept going, I mean who wouldn't want to cruise the Mediterranean, Fiji, New Zealand or The Baltics?

And eventually, I got curious.

I started paying attention to the workshops, instead of falling asleep in the balcony. I started having conversations with people. I started asking questions instead of making assumptions.

And here's what I discovered:

These weren't flaky dreamers.

They were business owners. Executives. Researchers. Leaders.

Grounded, successful, intelligent people who were pragmatic enough to use every available tool—including Law of Attraction principles—to increase their odds of success.

I had been wrong. Not because they changed. But because I moved from critical to curious.

And once I did, I learned things I never would have discovered if I'd stayed in judgment.

I came home from those trips and started sharing what I'd learned.

The simplest way I could explain it:

The energy you send out is the energy that comes back to you.

If you bump into someone on the street, you can de-escalate with an apology and a smile. Or you can escalate with frustration and anger.

One way, the situation resolves. The other way, you might end up in a fight.

The energy you send out is the energy you get back.

Most people get that concept until they start thinking about what is and isn't under their control.

But here's the thing:

You always control the energy you bring into a situation.

You can't control what someone else does. But you can control whether you show up critical or curious.

And that choice shapes everything that follows.

The Energy You Send Out

​Victor Hugo said:​

Your thoughts create your reality.

Not in some magical, woo woo way. But in a very practical, observable way.

If you walk into every interaction with criticism, suspicion, and judgment, people will respond accordingly.

They'll become defensive. Closed off. Guarded.

If you walk into every interaction with curiosity, openness, and a genuine desire to understand, people will respond differently.

They'll open up. They'll collaborate. They'll trust you.

Same people. Same situations. Different energy. Different outcomes.

This isn't about pretending everything is fine when it's not.

It's about choosing the mindset that actually gives you the power to change things.

Criticism disempowers you. It makes you a victim of other people's incompetence.

Curiosity empowers you. It makes you a problem-solver. A leader. Someone people want to work with.

Choose Curiosity for 72 Hours

Here's your challenge for the next three days:

Every time you feel criticism rising, pause and ask a curious question instead.

At work. At home. On the road. In line at the coffee shop.

Catch yourself making a judgment and replace it with a question.

Instead of: "This guy's an idiot."

Ask: "I wonder what's going on for him right now."

Instead of: "She's not listening."

Ask: "What's on her mind that's pulling her attention?"

Instead of: "They screwed this up."

Ask: "What happened here that I'm not seeing?"

Then notice:

• How you feel differently
• How people respond differently
• How situations resolve differently

Curiosity doesn't mean you don't hold standards. It doesn't mean you don't address problems.

It just means you approach them from a place of seeking to understand instead of seeking to blame.

And that shift changes everything.

The Standard

Here's the truth:

You can be right and ineffective. Or you can be curious and powerful.

Criticism might make you feel superior. But it makes you weak as a leader.

Curiosity makes you effective. It makes you someone people trust. Someone people want to follow.

The best leaders aren't the ones with all the answers.

They're the ones with the best questions.

They're the ones who seek to understand before they seek to be understood.

They're the ones who assume positive intent and dig deeper when things go wrong.

That's not soft. That's strong.

That's not naive. That's strategic.

That's the difference between being a critic and being a leader.

Reply with the standard.

What's one situation this week where you'll choose curiosity over criticism?

⚔ The Dojo Drill

Today’s training:

The Failure Reframe

Write down your last failure.

Then answer:

• What did I learn?
• How does this make me stronger?

📚 Leader’s Library

Book I recommend this week:

​Discipline Equals Freedom — Jocko Willink​

Why?

Because without discipline, personal leadership is impossible.

🔥 Take the Warrior Self-Assessment Quiz

Want to know where you stand?

Take this week's 2-minute Strategic Planning assessment.

Because if you don't know where you're headed, how will you get there?

It will tell you your current belt level.

[Click Here for Free Self-Assessment Quiz]

Chuck