The Single Difference Between a Badass and a Bully: Four Words That Change Everything

It's that time of year again—when we make resolutions, promises, and plans to live a better life.

And that's genuinely a good thing.

Filling your life with hope and aspirations is essential for growth and fulfillment.

But as so often happens, after a few days, weeks, or months, so many of us get derailed from those hopes and dreams.

And like countless people I've heard from over the years, they'll have reasons.

Lots of reasons.

Compelling reasons.

Perfectly reasonable reasons.

Here's the thing:

There are always reasons not to aspire to rise higher.

• The economy.
• Your background.
• Your circumstances.
• Other people.
• The system.
• The timing.
• The resources.
• The obstacles.

And while these factors are real, the worst thing you can do is give away your power by blaming outside circumstances for your failure to become who you're capable of becoming.

This pattern—of making excuses, blaming others, and surrendering personal power—is what separates two fundamentally different types of people.

We see them everywhere:

On childhood playgrounds, in workplaces, in national politics, in religious institutions, and in organizations that claim to serve, protect, and support.

I'm talking about badasses and bullies.

And the difference between them comes down to one simple but profound distinction that determines not just individual trajectories, but the quality of our communities, organizations, and society as a whole.

The Fundamental Distinction

Badasses Raise Themselves Up, Then Raise Others

Badasses take complete ownership of their thoughts, words, and actions.

They recognize that while they can't control circumstances, they absolutely can control their response to those circumstances.

When something goes wrong, badasses ask:

• "What could I have done differently?"
• "What can I learn from this?"
• "How do I improve moving forward?"
• "What's within my control right now?"

They raise themselves up through discipline, skill development, and character building.

And once they've gained capability, strength, and wisdom, they reach back to help others rise as well.

It's the oxygen mask principle:

Secure your own mask first so you're capable of helping others.

Bullies Tear Others Down to Feel Elevated

Bullies, on the other hand, always look to blame.

They take out their fears and insecurities on other people.

They punch down on those they perceive as weaker—using their size, position, authority, or other advantages to dominate and diminish others.

When something goes wrong, bullies ask:

• "Whose fault is this?"
• "Who can I blame?"
• "How can I avoid responsibility?"
• "Who can I punish to feel better about myself?"

They never actually rise—they just push others down to create the illusion of elevation.

They don't build competence; they leverage power.

They don't earn respect; they demand compliance through fear.

How to Recognize Bullies in Every Context

Bullying isn't just the domain of schoolyard tyrants or abusive bosses.

It manifests across every level of society, from interpersonal relationships to international politics.

The pattern is always the same:

Using power to diminish others rather than building capability to elevate everyone.

The Playground Bully

The pattern: Picks on smaller, younger, or vulnerable kids to feel powerful and gain social status through intimidation.

The rationalization: "I'm just toughening them up." "They need to learn their place." "If they can't handle it, that's their problem."

The reality: The bully is deeply insecure and compensating by dominating those who can't effectively fight back.

The badass alternative: The older or stronger kid who protects younger ones, mentors them, and creates a culture where everyone belongs.

The Workplace Bully

The pattern: Uses positional authority to humiliate subordinates, take credit for their work, or punish them for the bully's own failures.

The rationalization: "I'm holding them accountable." "I'm maintaining standards." "They need to develop thicker skin."

The reality: The bully is incompetent or insecure in their role and maintains control through fear rather than earning respect through leadership.

The badass alternative: The leader who develops their team's capabilities, takes responsibility for failures, shares credit for successes, and creates psychological safety for risk-taking and growth.

The National Bully

The pattern: Powerful nations exploiting weaker ones through economic coercion, military threats, or political manipulation.

The rationalization: "We're protecting our interests." "We're promoting stability." "We're spreading our superior values."

The reality: The powerful nation is using advantages of scale, resources, or military might to extract value from those who can't effectively resist.

The badass alternative: Nations that use their power to create mutual benefit, defend the vulnerable, and establish fair systems that allow all participants to thrive.

The Institutional Bully

The pattern: Organizations designed to serve, protect, or support that instead exploit their clients, customers, or constituents.

The rationalization: "We're following policy." "It's for their own good." "The rules apply to everyone equally." (Even when the rules were designed to benefit those in power.)

The reality: Institutions have been captured by those who benefit from maintaining power imbalances rather than fulfilling their stated mission.

The badass alternative: Institutions that genuinely serve their mission, empower rather than control their stakeholders, and continuously examine whether their power is being used to elevate or suppress.

The Political and Religious Bully

The pattern: Leaders who use ideology, faith, or political identity to create in-groups and out-groups, then punish or marginalize the out-groups.

The rationalization: "We're defending truth." "We're protecting our values." "They're a threat to everything we hold sacred."

The reality: Leaders are consolidating power by creating enemies and manufacturing fear, knowing that frightened people surrender autonomy in exchange for protection.

The badass alternative: Leaders who unite rather than divide, who empower critical thinking rather than demanding obedience, and who demonstrate their values through service rather than domination.

The Psychology: Why Bullies Bully

I have been on both sides of this equation, first as a small introverted kid being bullied by the bigger kids. Then later as I developed as a martial artist and as a competent electrician, I made the mistake of turning into what I abhorred using my acquired capabilities to become a bully myself,

It wasn't until I saw the look on the faces of those around me that I saw myself becoming the bully to that I was able to see the cycle and to break it.

Understanding the psychology behind bullying helps us recognize it, resist it, and refuse to become it.

Fear and Insecurity

At the core of all bullying is fear.

Bullies are terrified—of being exposed as incompetent, of losing status or control, of being vulnerable, of being revealed as ordinary rather than superior.

This fear drives them to:

• Preemptively attack before they can be challenged
• Dominate to prevent others from recognizing their weaknesses
• Punish threats to their fragile self-image
• Create hierarchies that protect their position

External Locus of Control

Bullies fundamentally believe that their worth, safety, and success depend on controlling others and circumstances.

They can't trust their own capability to handle challenges, so they must control the environment to avoid exposure.

This creates a vicious cycle:

• They don't develop real competence (too busy controlling others)
• Their lack of competence increases their insecurity
• Their insecurity drives more bullying behavior
• The cycle reinforces itself

Power Without Responsibility

Bullies want the benefits of power without the responsibilities that legitimate power requires.

They want:

• Authority without accountability
• Respect without earning it
• Compliance without consent
• Status without service

This is fundamentally parasitic—extracting value from others without providing equivalent value in return.

The Psychology: Why Badasses Don't Bully

Badasses operate from a completely different psychological foundation. I had to learn this the hard way.

Confidence Rooted in Capability

Badasses have developed genuine competence through struggle, failure, practice, and growth.

Their confidence isn't fragile because it's not based on comparison to others—it's based on demonstrated capability.

This creates a virtuous cycle:

• They develop real skills through deliberate practice
• Real skills create genuine confidence
• Genuine confidence allows them to help others without feeling threatened
• Helping others reinforces their own mastery and purpose

Internal Locus of Control

Badasses fundamentally believe that their worth, safety, and success depend on their own thoughts, actions, and character—not on controlling others or circumstances.

This creates freedom:

• They don't need to dominate others to feel secure
• They can admit mistakes without their identity collapsing
• They can celebrate others' success without feeling diminished
• They can focus energy on growth rather than control

Power With Responsibility

Badasses understand that legitimate power comes with responsibility. They want:

• Authority earned through demonstrated competence
• Respect earned through character and service
• Cooperation built on mutual benefit
• Status that reflects genuine contribution

This is fundamentally generative—creating value for others while developing yourself.

The Resolution Trap: How Bullies Hijack Your Goals

Here's where this becomes intensely practical.

Every January, millions of people set goals to improve their lives.

And every year, a predictable pattern unfolds:

Week 1-2: Enthusiasm and initial progress

Week 3-4: First obstacles and challenges appear

Month 2: Motivation wanes, excuses emerge

Month 3: Most people have abandoned their goals

Why?

Often because they've internalized bully thinking without realizing it.

The Bully's Voice Sounds Like This:

• "It's too hard because of my circumstances."
• "Other people have advantages I don't have."
• "The system is rigged against me."
• "If only [external factor] were different, I could succeed."
• "It's not fair that I have to work harder than others."

Notice the pattern:

External blame, victim mentality, and surrendered power.

The Badass Voice Sounds Like This:

• "This is harder than I expected. What do I need to learn?"
• "Others have advantages. What advantages do I have that I'm not leveraging?"
• "The system has constraints. How do I work within or around them?"
• "What can I control right now, in this moment?"
• "It's not about fair—it's about what I'm willing to do to get where I want to go."

Notice the pattern:

Internal focus, ownership mentality, and claimed power.

The Four Words That Change Everything

When you encounter bullying—whether from others or from the bully voice in your own head—there are four words you need to memorize, own, and say:

"Fuck you, make me."

Let me explain what this means and doesn't mean.

What It Doesn't Mean

This isn't about being rude, aggressive, or confrontational for its own sake.

It's not about creating conflict where none exists.

It's not about disrespecting legitimate authority or reasonable requests.

What It Does Mean

It means: You will not surrender your power to someone trying to diminish you.

It means: If you want compliance, you'll have to use force, because I will not voluntarily submit to illegitimate authority.

It means: I am not afraid of you, and your attempts to intimidate me into giving up my autonomy will fail.

It means: You cannot make me smaller to make yourself feel bigger.

The Practical Application

To the boss demanding you compromise your integrity: "No. If you want me to do that, you'll have to fire me, because I won't voluntarily comply."

To the institution requiring you to violate your values: "I understand your policy. I'm not following it. If you want to enforce consequences, that's your choice."

To the bully trying to intimidate you into compliance: "Your threats don't work on me. Do whatever you're going to do, but I'm not cooperating."

To the voice in your head saying you can't achieve your goals: "Fuck you, make me quit. I'm continuing regardless of obstacles."

The Power of Non-Compliance

Bullies rely on voluntary compliance.

They threaten, intimidate, and create fear specifically to avoid having to use actual force—because using force exposes them and often costs them more than they're willing to pay.

When you refuse to voluntarily comply, you force the bully to either:

1. Back down (most common)
2. Escalate to actual enforcement (which often reveals their weakness or illegitimacy)

Either way, you've reclaimed your power.

Don't Be a Bully

The first application is internal: examine your own behavior ruthlessly.

Ask yourself:

• Am I blaming others for my failures?
• Am I using my advantages to dominate rather than to serve?
• Am I punching down on those with less power?
• Am I demanding compliance rather than earning cooperation?
• Am I creating fear to maintain control?

If yes, stop.

Recognize that bullying is fundamentally weakness, not strength.

It's the behavior of someone too insecure to develop real capability and too afraid to risk genuine connection.

Choose instead to:

• Take ownership of your failures and learn from them
• Use your advantages to create opportunities for others
• Protect and elevate those with less power
• Earn respect through competence and character
• Create safety that enables growth

Don't Keep Bullies Around You

The second application is relational:

Audit your social environment.

Identify the bullies:

• Who consistently blames others for their problems?
• Who uses their power to diminish rather than develop people?
• Who creates fear and insecurity in their wake?
• Who demands loyalty but doesn't earn it?
• Who punishes independence and rewards submission?

Then create distance.

You cannot change bullies—they must choose to change themselves.

What you can do is refuse to enable their behavior by:

• Withdrawing your energy and attention
• Setting and enforcing clear boundaries
• Refusing to participate in their blame games
• Not providing the validation they seek

Surround yourself instead with badasses:

• People who own their failures
• People who use their strength to serve others
• People who create safety and possibility
• People who inspire through example
• People who celebrate others' growth

Call Out Bullying When You See It

The third application is social:

Refuse to be a bystander.

When you witness bullying:

• Name it clearly: "What you're doing is bullying, and it's not acceptable."
• Support the target: "I've got your back if you want to address this."
• Create accountability: "This behavior violates our stated values."
• Refuse to participate: "I won't be part of this."

Why this matters:

Bullies thrive on silence and complicity.

They rely on bystanders remaining passive.

When you speak up, you:

• Remove the bully's social cover
• Empower the target to resist
• Signal to others that resistance is possible
• Create cultural consequences for bullying behavior

The cost of silence:

Every time bullying goes unchallenged, it becomes normalized.

The bully becomes emboldened.

The target becomes more isolated.

And the organization or community becomes more toxic.

Making the World Better: Less Bullies, More Badasses

Here's the ultimate truth:

​The only way we make this world a better place is when we have fewer bullies and more badasses.​

What This Requires Individually

For each person:

• Take radical ownership of your life
• Develop real competence through disciplined practice
• Use your strength to serve rather than dominate
• Help others rise without feeling threatened
• Refuse to surrender your power to fear or intimidation

What This Requires Collectively

For organizations and communities:

• Create cultures that reward growth over control
• Build systems that distribute power rather than concentrate it
• Establish accountability that applies equally regardless of status
• Celebrate badass behavior and consequence bully behavior
• Design structures that make bullying difficult and costly

The Oxygen Mask Principle Revisited

You cannot help others rise if you haven't first developed your own capability.

This isn't selfishness—it's strategic necessity.

The sequence matters:

1. Develop genuine competence
2. Build authentic confidence
3. Create surplus capacity
4. Use that surplus to elevate others
5. Create systems that multiply impact

The cycle then becomes:

• Your growth creates capacity
• Your capacity enables service
• Your service develops others
• Their growth expands collective capability
• Collective capability creates more opportunity for everyone

This is the opposite of bullying, which operates on scarcity:

• Limited power means dominating others
• Limited status means diminishing others
• Limited security means controlling others
• The cycle creates less for everyone

The Choice That Defines You

Every day, in countless moments, you face a choice:

• Will you blame or will you own?
• Will you dominate or will you serve?
• Will you punch down or will you reach back?
• Will you surrender power or will you claim it?
• Will you be a bully or will you be a badass?

The choice seems simple, but it's not easy. Being a badass requires:

• Courage to face your own failures
• Discipline to develop real competence
• Humility to continue learning
• Strength to help others without needing credit
• Confidence to refuse intimidation

Being a bully is easier in the short term:

• Blame comes naturally
• Domination feels like power
• Punishing others provides temporary relief
• Controlling others creates the illusion of security

But the long-term consequences are catastrophic:

• You never develop real capability
• You remain fundamentally insecure
• You destroy relationships and communities
• You create enemies rather than allies
• You leave nothing of value behind

Conclusion: The Four Words That Set You Free

When you encounter bullying—from others or from the voice in your own head trying to make you quit your goals—remember the four words that change everything:

"Fuck you, make me."

These words represent the refusal to voluntarily surrender your power.

They represent the choice to own your life rather than blame your circumstances.

They represent the decision to be a badass rather than a bully.

Say them to the boss demanding you compromise your integrity.

Say them to the institution requiring you to violate your values.

Say them to the bully trying to intimidate you into submission.

Say them to the voice in your head telling you to give up on your dreams.

Because here's what I know after years on construction sites, decades on martial arts mats, and a lifetime of observing human behavior:

The world doesn't need more bullies.

It needs more badasses.

It needs people who take ownership rather than blame others.

It needs people who use their strength to serve rather than dominate.

It needs people who face their fears rather than project them onto others.

It needs people who build up rather than tear down.

Be that person.

Don't tolerate bullies in your life.

Call out bullying when you see it.

And when someone tries to make you smaller to make themselves feel bigger, look them in the eye and say:

"Fuck you, make me."

Then go build something worth building, become someone worth becoming, and help others do the same.

That's how we make the world better—one badass at a time.