Working ON Your Life and Working IN Your Life

I tapped somebody with a lapel choke recently.

From the outside, it probably didn’t look like much. People tap each other every day in a BJJ gym. That’s the game.

Blue belts submit blue belts all the time.

For me, though, the tap wasn’t the important part.

The important part was where the choke came from.

I had learned it that day in that class.

Then I recognized it while somebody was actively trying to stop me.

That’s different.

Learning Something Is Not the Same as Having It

One of the things BJJ keeps teaching me is how enormous the gap can be between knowing something and being able to do it.

An instructor can demonstrate a technique.

I can watch it.

I can understand the logic.

I can drill it with somebody who knows what I’m trying to do.

I can even get reasonably comfortable with the sequence.

And then live rolling starts.

Now the other guy isn’t cooperating.

He doesn’t move where he’s supposed to move.

He doesn’t give you the arm you’re expecting.

He changes direction.

He fights the grip.

He puts his weight somewhere inconvenient.

He does something you’ve never seen before.

And suddenly that technique you “know” seems to disappear.

I’ve experienced this constantly in my BJJ training (and years ago in my hapkido training).

There are things I understand when I’m sitting there watching Jason teach them.

There are things I can perform when we’re drilling.

But live rolling asks a different question.

Not:

Do you understand this?

It asks:

Can you recognize this when it appears inside chaos?

That is a much harder test.

That Day’s Lesson

Jason had been teaching an attack from turtle.

The way I remember the sequence, you establish strong lapel control, a dog-collar type grip high on the back collar along with the other cross lapel control.

You use that to affect your opponent’s posture and force a reaction.

As the opponent posts, you use your leg to capture the near arm.

That arm gets trapped between your legs in something like a semi-crucifix position.

Then you roll the opponent through.

From there, you use the lapel to finish the choke.

We learned it.

We drilled it.

So far, that’s working ON the skill.

The gym gives you a controlled environment where you can stop the action, look at the position, ask questions, try something, get corrected, reset, try again.

Nobody is keeping score.

Nobody cares that you needed six attempts before your knee was in the right place.

That’s what practice is for.

You’re stepping outside the performance long enough to improve the performer.

Then we rolled.

Now I Was Working IN It

At some point during live rolling, my partner ended up going into turtle.

And something happened that I have been trying to get better at.

I recognized the position we just learned in class.

Not afterward.

Not while driving home.

Not that night while thinking:

Oh hell, I could have used what Jason taught us.

I saw it while it was happening.

There’s the turtle.

There’s the grip.

There’s the reaction.

There’s the arm.

Go.

I got the lapel control.

I pulled and got the reaction I needed.

I used my inside knee and leg to capture his arm.

I rolled him.

I ended up in that semi-crucifix-type control.

And the position wasn’t exactly the clean classroom demonstration anymore.

Of course it wasn’t.

He was resisting.

So I had to adjust.

I shifted my control.

I dealt with his other arm.

I kept the lapel.

And I finished with the choke.

One-handed, as I remember it.

He tapped.

And I remember being conscious of something else that mattered to me.

I actually wanted the tap.

Not because I wanted to hurt the guy.

Not because submitting another classmate suddenly made me some kind of killer.

Because I’ve spent a lot of my life being careful with people.

Sometimes too careful.

I’ve been working on allowing myself to become appropriately competitive in rolling, to control someone safely, apply the technique, and actually finish when the opportunity is there.

So I didn’t just stumble into the position and release it.

I controlled him.

I applied the choke.

I got the tap.

And then, obviously, I let go.

That whole sequence represented several things I’ve been working on at once.

But the biggest one was this:

Something I had worked ON showed up while I was working IN.

That’s the win.

You Need Both Kinds of Work

People talk all the time about working ON your life instead of merely working IN your life.

Business owners hear the same thing:

Don’t just work in the business.

Work on the business.

And there’s real truth in that.

You need time away from the immediate demands.

• Time to think
• Study
• Plan
• Review
• Practice
• Build systems
• Look at mistakes
• Ask better questions
• Get coaching
• Change the map

That’s working ON.

But there’s a trap hiding inside that advice.

You can spend so much time working ON something that you avoid actually doing it.

• Read another book
• Build another plan
• Take another course
• Watch another video
• Improve the spreadsheet
• Reorganize the notes
• Refine the system
• Think about the problem
• Talk about the problem

And never get back onto the mat.

Eventually the map has to meet the territory.

That’s working IN.

The Other Trap

There’s an opposite mistake.

Some people never step out of the action.

They’re always busy.

Always doing.

Always reacting.

Always handling whatever is directly in front of them.

They’ve been doing the job for twenty years, but in some ways they’ve had the same year of experience twenty times.

Because they rarely stop long enough to ask:

• What just happened?
• Why did that work?
• Why didn’t that work?
• What pattern am I missing?
• What skill would make the next rep better?
• Where am I wasting effort?
• What does somebody better than me see here that I don’t?

That is the person who lives entirely IN the arena.

Lots of reps.

Not enough reflection.

And reps alone don’t guarantee improvement.

You can practice mistakes too.

The Loop Is the Point

The answer isn’t ON instead of IN.

It’s not IN instead of ON.

It’s the loop.

Working ON sharpens the next rep.

Working IN tests it.

Then the test gives you new information.

And you go back to working ON.

That’s what happened in that BJJ class.

Jason gave me a better map.

We slowed the position down.

I learned the grips.

I practiced the movement.

I worked ON the problem.

Then live rolling gave me the test.

Now the environment was moving.

My partner was resisting.

The exact classroom sequence started mutating.

I had to recognize the underlying pattern rather than simply reproduce choreography.

That was working IN.

And the roll gave me information.

Some of the technique survived contact.

Some of it needed adjustment.

Some of it I probably still don’t understand as well as I think I do.

Great.

Now I have something to work ON again.

That’s the cycle.

This Is Bigger Than Jiu-Jitsu

Think about almost any meaningful part of your life.

You can work ON your marriage.

• Read something useful
• Think about how you communicate
• Talk with a coach
• Recognize one of your own patterns
• Decide you want to listen better instead of becoming defensive

Great.

Then your spouse says something Tuesday night when you’re tired and irritated.

Now you’re working IN your marriage.

Did any of that insight survive?

You can work ON your leadership.

• Read the books
• Study communication
• Think about accountability
• Learn how to give better feedback
• Then an employee screws something up when you’re under deadline

Now you’re working IN your leadership.

You can work ON your finances.

• Build the budget
• Study investing
• Create a plan
• Then something expensive breaks

Now you’re working IN your financial life.

You can work ON yourself.

• Journal
• Meditate
• Study philosophy
• Think deeply about patience, ego, discipline, courage, compassion, or responsibility
• Then somebody pisses you off

Welcome to live rolling.

Now we find out what transferred.

Don’t Grade Yourself Only on the Tap

There’s another lesson in my little BJJ win.

If I graded the whole thing only by whether I submitted my partner, I would miss most of what mattered.

The submission was evidence. It wasn’t the whole lesson.

What mattered was the chain:

• I learned something
• I drilled it
• I recognized the situation
• I acted
• I adapted under resistance
• I maintained control
• I finished intentionally

That’s transfer.

And transfer is probably a much better measurement of learning than simply asking:

Do I know this?

Maybe a better question is:

Where does this show up when life starts moving?

Because that’s where knowledge becomes capacity.

⚔ The Dojo Drill: Close the Loop

Pick one part of your life you’re currently trying to improve.

• Work
• Health
• Money
• Marriage
• Leadership
• Training

Whatever matters to you.

Then identify both sides.

Working ON

What are you deliberately trying to learn or improve?

Maybe you’re studying.

Planning.

Practicing.

Getting feedback.

Building a better system.

Changing your approach.

Good.

Now ask:

What is the next live rep?

Where will this lesson actually be tested?

The conversation?

The meeting?

The workout?

The sales call?

The budget decision?

The disagreement?

The roll?

Go do it.

Then come back.

What happened?

What transferred?

What disappeared under pressure?

What surprised you?

What needs another rep?

Now sharpen the map again.

Then get back into the arena.

SEE → SHARPEN → STAGE → ACT → OBSERVE → REFINE.

Again.

And again.

And again.

The Win Was the Transfer

I’m still just a blue belt.

There’s an enormous amount of jiu-jitsu I don’t know.

There are positions where I still feel like somebody suddenly switched the language on me.

And I’m sure there will be plenty of rolls where Jason teaches something brilliant and thirty minutes later I completely fail to recognize it.

That’s part of learning.

Which is exactly why this little lapel choke mattered to me.

For a few seconds, the pieces connected.

• Classroom to drilling
• Drilling to recognition
• Recognition to action
• Action to adaptation
• Adaptation to execution

I had worked ON something.

Then I went IN.

And it worked.

Not perfectly.

Not permanently.

Not “mastered.”

But enough to prove that the loop was beginning to close.

That’s a pretty satisfying feeling.

And it’s one worth looking for far beyond the mat.

Don’t spend your whole life preparing to live.

And don’t spend your whole life so busy living that you never stop to learn from it.

Step out.

Sharpen the next rep.

Step back in.

Test it.

Pay attention.

Then sharpen again.

Work ON your life so that you can get better at working IN it.

And make sure you spend enough time IN it to find out whether what you’re doing ON it actually works.

📚 Leader’s Library

​James P. Carse — Finite and Infinite Games​

Why?

Carse offers a useful way to understand why two people can participate in the same activity while pursuing completely different goals.

Some games are finite: there is a winner, a rank, a score, a promotion, or some other defined outcome.

Others are more infinite: the purpose is to keep learning, participating, adapting, and continuing the game.

That distinction applies far beyond sports. It can help you understand coworkers, training partners, competitors, leaders, relationships—and yourself. Before assuming someone is playing badly, it is worth asking whether they are even playing the same game you are.

A strong addition to the library for anyone interested in leadership, perspective, relationships, lifelong learning, and becoming better at understanding what other people are actually trying to accomplish.

P.S. Know a martial arts gym owner who’s stressed about money or student numbers?

Do them a favor: send them to The Leader's Dōjō, my website where I help owners get more students and keep them longer with simple systems.

One forward from you could change their gym: The Leader's Dōjō​

Chuck