Bitches, Bullies, and Badasses: The One Thing That Separates Leaders from Losers

I was responding to some posts on Instagram when a photo stopped me cold.

There he was—one of my BJJ professors, Alex—standing alongside two legends of Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu: Renzo Gracie and John Danaher in a packed NYC gym.

The next time I saw him at training, I had to ask about it.

What he told me changed my understanding of what it truly means to be a badass.

"I trained more under Danaher than Renzo at that gym," Alex explained, "and it was a wonderful learning experience. John Danaher would run a class with over 80 students on the mat, and when the soft-spoken Kiwi would talk, the whole gym was quiet, riveted, listening intently to the wisdom and insights being shared by this guy."

This got me thinking:

Why would badass gyms like RGA (Renzo Gracie Academies) have a teacher who never competed and, by his own words, has "a crippled leg" along with hip issues hold the attention of so many competitive BJJ practitioners?

The answer reveals the fundamental difference between three types of people we encounter every day: bitches, bullies, and badasses.

And understanding this difference isn't just about martial arts—it's about leadership, success, and how you choose to move through the world.

The Hero's Journey and the Secret of True Leadership

John Danaher knew the secret of "the Hero's Journey" and leadership.

You see, good leaders want you to be as good as them, but great leaders want you to be better than them.

John Danaher represents something rare in our competitive, ego-driven world:

A person who has transcended the need to prove himself through personal achievement and instead finds fulfillment in elevating others beyond his own capabilities.

This is the hallmark of true badass leadership.

In our popular fiction, we celebrate the hero—but every great hero story includes a crucial element: the mentor.

Neo had Morpheus, Frodo had Gandalf, Luke had Obi-Wan and then Yoda.

Yes, we were rooting for the hero, but the hero wouldn't have succeeded without his mentor, and that's where true leadership lies.

The mentor archetype represents the ultimate expression of badass energy: someone who has walked the path, gained the wisdom, and now dedicates themselves to ensuring others can walk it better, faster, and with fewer mistakes.

The Three Archetypes: Understanding the Spectrum

That's the difference between being a bitch, a bully, or a badass.

These aren't just labels—they're archetypal patterns of behavior that determine how someone relates to power, fear, and other people.

More importantly, they exist on a spectrum, and we all exhibit elements of each depending on the situation and our level of development.

The Bitch: Fear-Driven Submission

A bitch holds himself down, fawning to others to avoid conflict and discomfort, rolling over and giving his belly.

The bitch archetype is characterized by:

• Conflict avoidance at the expense of personal integrity
• People-pleasing behavior that sacrifices authentic expression
• Victim mentality that externalizes responsibility for outcomes
• Self-deprecation as a strategy to avoid criticism
• Passive-aggressive communication when needs aren't met
• Chronic complaints without taking action to change circumstances

Bitches operate from a fundamental belief that they are powerless and that their safety depends on not threatening anyone else.

They've learned that submission is a survival strategy, but they've never learned how to transcend this limited paradigm.

The Bully: Fear-Driven Domination

A bully is someone who has taken his fear and uses it to put others—and they're always the weaker ones—down so that he can feel stronger and better about himself.

The bully archetype is characterized by:

• Domination through intimidation and aggression
• Zero-sum thinking where others must lose for them to win
• Insecurity masked by aggressive displays of power
• Targeting the vulnerable while avoiding equal or stronger opponents
• Ego protection through diminishing others
• Control seeking to manage their own internal anxiety

Bullies haven't transcended their fear—they've simply learned to project it outward.

Instead of submitting like the bitch, they attempt to control their environment by making others submit.

But this strategy is ultimately as powerless as the bitch's approach because it depends entirely on external circumstances.

The Badass: Fear-Transcendent Leadership

While the badass raises himself above that bullshit cycle and in the process also learns how to help raise others up.

The badass archetype is characterized by:

• Self-mastery that doesn't depend on others' behavior
• Abundance thinking where success creates more success for everyone
• Courage to face challenges without needing to diminish others
• Mentorship mindset that finds fulfillment in others' growth
• Authentic power that comes from competence and character
• Win-win orientation that creates value for all parties

Badasses have done the internal work to face their fears, develop their capabilities, and transcend the need to prove themselves at others' expense.

This liberation allows them to focus on value creation rather than ego protection.

The Analog Spectrum: We All Contain Multitudes

All three groups are on an analog spectrum based on how much they exhibit all three traits.

This is crucial to understand: these aren't fixed categories that define people permanently.

We all have bitch moments, bully tendencies, and badass potential.

The question isn't whether you've ever been a bitch or a bully—it's which direction you're moving and which behaviors you're strengthening through practice.

The Situational Nature of Archetypes

You might be a badass at work but a bitch in your romantic relationship.

You could be a bully with your subordinates but a bitch with your boss.

The same person can exhibit different archetypal behaviors in different contexts depending on their level of development in that area.

The Development Trajectory

Most people progress through these archetypes in a predictable pattern:

1. Bitch phase: Learning that the world can be dangerous and developing survival strategies
2. Bully phase: Gaining some power and using it to ensure they're never victims again
3. Badass phase: Transcending the fear-based patterns and focusing on value creation

The key insight is that each phase serves a purpose in development, but getting stuck in any phase limits your potential and impact.

The Danaher Example: Badass Leadership in Action

Danaher is a badass because even though, in his own words, "he is not competitive," nonetheless he is very analytical, tactical, and strategic, seeing things that most people miss, and with that, he is able to raise other people up.

John Danaher represents the ultimate expression of badass leadership because he's transcended the need to prove himself through personal competition and instead finds his fulfillment in developing others who exceed his own competitive achievements.

The Analytical Advantage

Danaher's physical limitations forced him to develop a different kind of strength: analytical thinking.

Instead of relying on athleticism, he had to understand the deeper principles that make techniques work.

This limitation became his greatest asset because it allowed him to see patterns and connections that physically gifted athletes might miss.

The Mentorship Multiplier

By focusing on mentorship rather than personal achievement, Danaher has created a legacy far greater than any individual competitive success could have been.

His students—Gordon Ryan, Garry Tonon, Craig Jones, and others—have dominated the highest levels of competition using the principles he taught them.

This is the badass paradox: by giving up the need to be the best personally, you can create the best in others, which ultimately has far greater impact than individual achievement.

The Fear Factor: Understanding the Root Cause

At the core of the bitch-bully-badass spectrum lies one fundamental element: how you relate to fear.

This is the one simple thing that differentiates the three groups.

Bitches: Controlled by Fear

Bitches are dominated by their fears. They've learned that the safest strategy is to make themselves small, non-threatening, and agreeable. Their entire behavioral repertoire is organized around avoiding situations that might trigger conflict, criticism, or rejection.

Fear responses include:

• Avoiding difficult conversations
• Agreeing when they disagree
• Not expressing their authentic preferences
• Apologizing excessively
• Seeking approval before taking action
• Ruminating about worst-case scenarios

Bullies: Projecting Fear

Bullies are equally controlled by fear, but they've learned to project it outward rather than absorb it. They attempt to control their environment by making others afraid, but this strategy requires constant vigilance and escalation because it's based on the false premise that safety comes from control.

Fear responses include:

• Attacking before being attacked
• Intimidating others to prevent challenges
• Controlling information and resources
• Surrounding themselves with weaker people
• Constant competition and comparison
• Defensive aggression when questioned

Badasses: Transcending Fear

Badasses have learned to work with fear rather than being controlled by it. They understand that fear is information, not instruction. They can feel afraid and still act in alignment with their values and goals.

Fear responses include:

• Acknowledging fear without being paralyzed by it
• Taking calculated risks despite uncertainty
• Facing challenges directly and honestly
• Learning from failures without personalizing them
• Supporting others even when it's not reciprocated
• Maintaining equanimity under pressure

The Competence Connection: Why Skills Matter

One crucial factor that determines where someone falls on the spectrum is competence.

The more competent you become in any domain, the less you need to rely on fear-based strategies because you have genuine capability to handle challenges.

The Competence-Confidence Loop

High Competence → Low Fear → Badass Behavior → Better Outcomes → Higher Competence

This creates a positive feedback loop where developing real skills reduces fear, which enables more effective behavior, which creates better results, which builds more competence.

The Incompetence-Fear Loop

Low Competence → High Fear → Bitch/Bully Behavior → Worse Outcomes → Lower Competence

This creates a negative feedback loop where lack of skills increases fear, which leads to ineffective behavior patterns, which create poor outcomes, which confirms the belief that you're incompetent.

Practical Applications: Moving Toward Badass

Understanding these archetypes is only useful if you can apply this knowledge to develop yourself and recognize these patterns in others. Here's how to systematically move toward badass behavior:

Step 1: Honest Self-Assessment

Identify your default patterns:

• In which situations do you tend toward bitch behavior?
• When are you most likely to act like a bully?
• Where do you already exhibit badass qualities?
• What fears are driving your non-badass behaviors?

Step 2: Competence Development

Build real skills in areas that matter to you:

• Identify the domains where incompetence creates fear
• Create systematic learning plans to develop capability
• Practice skills in low-stakes environments before high-stakes situations
• Seek mentorship from people who've mastered what you want to learn

Step 3: Fear Work

Develop a healthier relationship with fear:

• Practice feeling fear without immediately reacting
• Distinguish between real dangers and imagined threats
• Build tolerance for uncertainty and discomfort
• Use fear as information about what matters to you

Step 4: Value Alignment

Connect your actions to your deeper values:

• Clarify what you stand for beyond personal gain
• Practice acting in alignment with values even when it's difficult
• Find ways to contribute to others' success and well-being
• Measure success by impact, not just personal achievement

The Leadership Implications: Creating Badass Culture

Understanding these archetypes is particularly important for leaders because your behavior sets the tone for your entire organization or team.

Leaders who operate from bitch or bully paradigms create cultures that limit everyone's potential.

Bitch Leadership Creates:

• Risk-averse cultures that avoid innovation
• Passive-aggressive communication patterns
• Blame cultures where no one takes responsibility
• Mediocrity as the acceptable standard
• High stress from unresolved conflicts

Bully Leadership Creates:

• Fear-based cultures that stifle creativity
• Competitive environments that destroy collaboration
• High turnover as people escape toxic dynamics
• Short-term thinking focused on immediate dominance
• Ethical compromises justified by "winning"

Badass Leadership Creates:

• Growth-oriented cultures that embrace challenges
• Open communication based on mutual respect
• Ownership cultures where people take responsibility
• Excellence as the natural standard
• Sustainable success based on value creation

The Martial Arts Metaphor: Training Character

Martial arts provides one of the best environments for understanding and developing badass character because it forces you to confront fear, develop competence, and test yourself against real resistance.

The Dojo as Character Forge

On the training mat, your character is revealed and forged:

• Bitches avoid hard training, make excuses, and blame others for their lack of progress
• Bullies target weaker training partners and avoid anyone who might expose their limitations
• Badasses seek out challenging training partners and focus on continuous improvement

The Mentorship Model

The best martial arts instructors embody the badass archetype by:

• Sharing knowledge freely without ego
• Pushing students beyond their perceived limitations
• Creating safe environments for taking risks
• Celebrating students' achievements without taking credit
• Continuing to learn and grow alongside their students

The Business Application: Badass Professional Development

These principles apply directly to professional environments where success depends on your ability to create value for others while developing yourself.

Badass Professional Characteristics:

• Competence development: Continuously improving skills that matter
• Value creation: Focusing on how to contribute rather than what to get
• Honest communication: Addressing issues directly and constructively
• Collaborative competition: Succeeding in ways that help others succeed
• Mentorship mindset: Teaching and developing others as a core responsibility

Career Advancement Through Badass Behavior:

• People seek your advice because you help them solve real problems
• You get promoted because you make your boss more successful
• Opportunities find you because you're known for delivering results
• Your team performs well because they trust and respect your leadership
• Your legacy grows because you've developed others who exceed your achievements

The Relationship Dynamic: Badass in Personal Life

These archetypes play out powerfully in personal relationships where emotional stakes are highest and masks are hardest to maintain.

Romantic Relationships:

• Bitch partners seek validation and avoid conflict, creating resentment
• Bully partners use manipulation and control, destroying intimacy
• Badass partners communicate honestly and support each other's growth

Parenting:

• Bitch parents fail to set boundaries, creating insecure children
• Bully parents use fear and control, damaging their children's self-worth
• Badass parents provide structure and support, raising confident children

Friendships:

• Bitch friends drain energy through constant neediness
• Bully friends compete and undermine rather than support
• Badass friends challenge you to grow while providing unwavering support

The Choice That Defines You

The difference between bitches, bullies, and badasses isn't about genetics, luck, or circumstances—it's about choice.

Every day, in every interaction, you choose which archetype to embody.

These choices compound over time to create the trajectory of your life and the impact you have on others.

The one simple thing that differentiates the three groups is how they relate to fear and power.

• Bitches let fear control them into submission.
• Bullies let fear drive them to dominate others.
• Badasses transcend fear to focus on creating value and developing others.

John Danaher commands the attention of 80 elite fighters not because he's the toughest guy in the room, but because he's transcended the need to prove his toughness and instead dedicated himself to making others tougher than he could ever be physically.

That's badass leadership at its finest.

The question isn't whether you've been a bitch or a bully in the past—we all have.

The question is:

What are you choosing to become?

• Are you working to transcend your fears and develop your capabilities so you can lift others up?
• Are you building competence in domains that matter?
• Are you finding fulfillment in others' success as much as your own?

The world needs more badasses—people who have done the work to transcend their fears and now dedicate themselves to helping others do the same.

The choice to become that person starts with the next decision you make, the next conversation you have, the next challenge you face.

Choose badass.

The world is waiting for what you'll create when you do.