The Gap Between Pain and Response: Why Your Coping Mechanisms Define Your Life

About four years ago, in 2022, I was trying out BJJ for the first time at Rigan Machado’s latest location—ironically, the very spot where I had trained in Hapkido for so many years.

As my training partner was putting me into what felt like a particularly inventive pretzel, I heard someone yell my name from across the room: “Mr. Doublet!”

It was my old fellow hapkido-ist, Jason Poston. He’d recognized something distinctive about me—not my face or my technique, but my infectious laugh as I was once again being systematically dismantled by my BJJ partner.

That laugh has been my signature coping mechanism for decades, and it’s taught me everything I know about the difference between coping mechanisms that serve us and those that destroy us.

You see, for some reason, during all my years training at Grandmaster Han’s school, I had developed this strange habit: when a technique, joint lock, or throw really hurt, I would start to laugh.

Sometimes, when the technique was applied slowly enough, I could put my focus inside my body and “feel” the stresses, tension, and leverage being applied—experiencing it as moving energy rather than just a painful joint lock and I would laugh being amazed at feeling the forces.

This unusual response helped me understand the forces being created and, in a funny way, actually made the techniques less painful. But nonetheless, when something really hurt, I would laugh.

This happened so often that other students would comment during class, especially when I was being used as a demonstration body by the instructor: “Oh, that technique must really hurt—Mr. Doublet is laughing.”

(GM Han had all students and instructors refer to each other as Mr. or Ms./Mrs., remnants of his Korean cultural respect.)

For one reason or another, I’m grateful for this coping mechanism. It helped me deal with a great deal of pain over the years, and I believe if I didn’t laugh, training would be far less enjoyable.

Yes, even pain can be enjoyable in a non-masochistic way when it’s used to learn and grow.

The Misunderstood Response

This still happens at Meraki, but my current instructors don’t quite get it.

They sometimes think I’m not taking the training seriously, and maybe I’m not—at least compared to the young man I was 30-40 years ago.

Nowadays I train for exercise and fun, not to protect myself or be a badass, so I have a more relaxed attitude toward it.

But the joy is still there for the learning, and the laughter is still there when I get “hurt.”

To me, that’s a good thing.

Especially when I observe other students’ coping mechanisms to pain: avoidance, trepidation, and fear.

This contrast has made me deeply curious about the nature of coping mechanisms themselves.

Why do some people laugh in the face of adversity while others freeze?

Why do some coping strategies empower us while others imprison us?

And most importantly, how can we consciously choose responses that serve our growth rather than our limitations?

The Gap That Changes Everything

​Victor Frankl, the Holocaust survivor and psychiatrist, is often quoted as saying:

In that gap, I choose to laugh.

But this choice wasn’t automatic or innate.

It developed over time, through countless experiences of pain, pressure, and challenge on the mats.

What started as perhaps a nervous response evolved into a conscious coping strategy that has served me far beyond martial arts training.

The gap Frankl describes is where all personal power resides.

It’s the space between what happens to us and how we respond to what happens to us.

In that space lies our freedom to choose our interpretation, our emotional response, and our subsequent actions.

Most people live unconsciously in this gap, allowing automatic, habitual responses to determine their experience of life.

Therapy and Coping on Construction Sites

Working construction for decades exposed me to a wide variety of coping mechanisms under pressure.

The job sites were laboratories of human behavior under stress, physical demands, and interpersonal conflict.

I watched some guys develop incredibly effective coping strategies.

They’d crack jokes during the most stressful moments, maintaining team morale and their own sanity.

They’d focus on problem-solving rather than problem-dwelling when things went wrong.

They’d use physical challenges as opportunities to build strength and competence rather than sources of complaint.

But I also witnessed coping mechanisms that were slowly destroying the people who used them.

Some workers coped with job stress by drinking heavily after work, creating cycles that made the next day’s challenges even harder to handle.

Others developed elaborate victim narratives that allowed them to avoid responsibility but also robbed them of agency.

Many coped with physical discomfort by avoiding challenging tasks, which led to skill stagnation and eventual irrelevance.

The difference wasn’t in the challenges they faced—we all dealt with the same demanding conditions. The difference was in how they chose to interpret and respond to those challenges.

Why Martial Arts is the Perfect Place to Develop Healthy Coping Mechanisms

Martial arts provides a perfect place for observing coping mechanisms in action because it presents consistent, measurable challenges that can’t be avoided or denied.

When someone puts you in a submission hold, you have seconds to respond. Your coping mechanism in that moment reveals everything about how you handle pressure in life.

In BJJ, I’ve trained with people who have wildly different responses to the same stimulus:

The Freezers become paralyzed by the pressure and simply endure until they’re forced to tap. They’re practicing helplessness.

The Panickers thrash wildly, burning energy and making their situation worse. They’re practicing chaos.

The Deniers refuse to acknowledge they’re in trouble until it’s too late to escape. They’re practicing delusion.

The Learners stay calm, analyze the situation, and look for opportunities to improve their position or escape. They’re practicing empowerment.

Each response is a choice, and each choice reinforces a pattern that extends far beyond the mats.

The Spectrum of Coping Mechanisms

Not all coping mechanisms are created equal.

They exist on a spectrum from destructive to constructive, from temporary fixes to long-term solutions, from strategies that diminish us to those that strengthen us.

Destructive Coping Mechanisms:

• Avoidance - Refusing to face challenges, leading to skill atrophy and increased vulnerability
• Numbing - Using substances, excessive entertainment, or other distractions to avoid feeling discomfort
• Victim Mentality - Interpreting challenges as evidence of unfairness rather than opportunities for growth
• Blame Externalization - Making other people or circumstances responsible for your experience
• Perfectionism - Setting impossible standards to avoid the risk of failure or criticism

Constructive Coping Mechanisms:

• Reframing - Interpreting challenges as opportunities, setbacks as feedback, pressure as training
• Present Moment Awareness - Staying focused on what you can control right now rather than worrying about outcomes
• Active Problem-Solving - Breaking challenges into manageable pieces and taking concrete action
• Growth Mindset - Viewing abilities as developable rather than fixed, failures as learning opportunities
• Community Support - Building relationships with people who support your growth and resilience

My laughter falls into the constructive category because it helps me stay present, reduces the emotional charge of discomfort, and maintains my capacity to learn from the experience.

The Physiology of Response

What fascinates me about my laughing response is how it affects my physiology during stressful moments.

Laughter triggers the release of endorphins, reduces stress hormones like cortisol, and activates the parasympathetic nervous system—the “rest and digest” response that’s optimal for learning and recovery.

When I laugh in response to a painful technique, I’m literally changing my body’s biochemistry to be more conducive to growth and adaptation.

Compare this to fear-based responses, which trigger the sympathetic nervous system’s “fight or flight” mode.

While this response is appropriate for genuine threats, it’s counterproductive for learning situations.

Fear narrows attention, reduces memory formation, and creates tension that makes techniques feel more painful and less effective.

The person who laughs at discomfort and the person who fears it are literally living in different physiological realities, even when experiencing identical external circumstances.

The Development of Conscious Coping

The most powerful realization I’ve had about coping mechanisms is that they can be consciously developed and refined.

We’re not stuck with automatic responses that were programmed in childhood or developed unconsciously.

We can examine our current coping strategies, evaluate their effectiveness, and deliberately practice new ones.

This process requires several steps:

1. Awareness - Noticing your automatic responses to stress, discomfort, and challenge
2. Evaluation - Honestly assessing whether these responses serve your long-term growth and wellbeing
3. Experimentation - Trying new responses in low-stakes situations to see how they feel and work
4. Practice - Deliberately implementing more effective responses until they become natural
5. Refinement - Continuously adjusting your approaches based on results and changing circumstances

The Pain as Teacher Philosophy

My laughing response is rooted in a fundamental belief: pain is a teacher, not an enemy.

When I feel the stress and leverage of a joint lock, I’m receiving direct feedback about mechanical principles, body awareness, and the nature of pressure itself.

The discomfort is information, not punishment.

This perspective transforms the entire experience.

Instead of something to endure or escape, the pain becomes something to study and learn from.

Instead of a threat to my ego, it becomes an opportunity to expand my understanding.

This shift in interpretation—from pain as enemy to pain as teacher—is perhaps the most valuable coping mechanism I’ve ever developed.

It applies far beyond physical training:

• Work stress becomes feedback about systems and skills that need development
• Relationship conflicts become opportunities to improve communication and understanding
• Financial pressures become information about spending patterns and earning strategies
• Health challenges become signals about lifestyle choices and self-care practices

The Social Dimension of Coping

One aspect of coping mechanisms that often gets overlooked is their social component.

Our responses to challenges don’t just affect us—they influence everyone around us.

When I laugh in response to a difficult technique, I’m modeling a specific relationship to adversity for everyone who witnesses it.

I’m demonstrating that challenges can be approached with lightness rather than heaviness, curiosity rather than fear, engagement rather than avoidance.

This has a ripple effect on the training environment and the people I train with.

Conversely, destructive coping mechanisms are also contagious.

• Complaint cultures spread.
• Victim mentalities infect teams.
• Avoidance behaviors create atmospheres where growth becomes impossible.

The coping mechanisms we choose don’t just shape our own experience—they contribute to shaping the culture around us.

The Long-Term Compound Effect

Like all habits, coping mechanisms compound over time.

Each time you respond to challenge in a particular way, you strengthen that neural pathway and make that response more likely in the future.

People who consistently respond to adversity with growth-oriented coping mechanisms develop what psychologists call “resilience”—the ability to bounce back from setbacks stronger than before.

They build confidence in their ability to handle whatever life throws at them. They develop larger capacity for discomfort and uncertainty. They become more creative problem-solvers and more effective leaders.

People who rely on destructive coping mechanisms develop the opposite: learned helplessness, increased vulnerability to stress, and diminished capacity for growth.

The gap between these two groups widens over time, not because they face different challenges, but because they’ve developed different ways of responding to challenges.

The Practice of Conscious Response

Here’s a framework for developing more effective coping mechanisms:

Week 1: Observation

• Notice your automatic responses to discomfort, stress, and challenge
• Pay attention to both physical and emotional reactions
• Note the outcomes these responses create
• Identify patterns without judgment

Week 2: Evaluation

• Assess which responses serve your growth and which limit it
• Consider both short-term comfort and long-term consequences
• Ask: “Does this coping mechanism make me stronger or weaker over time?”
• Identify one response you’d like to change

Week 3: Experimentation

• Choose a new response to practice in low-stakes situations
• Try reframing challenges as opportunities
• Practice staying present during discomfort
• Experiment with finding humor or curiosity in difficult moments

Week 4: Integration

Implement your new response pattern consistently

Notice how it affects your experience and outcomes - Adjust based on what you learn - Celebrate progress rather than demanding perfection

The Laughter Advantage

My particular coping mechanism—laughing in response to pain—has served me well for decades.

It keeps me present during challenging moments, reduces the emotional charge of discomfort, maintains my capacity to learn, and creates a positive training environment for others.

But the specific mechanism matters less than the principle: consciously choosing responses that serve your growth rather than your limitations.

Your optimal coping mechanism might be different from mine.

You might find strength in quiet focus, in aggressive determination, in analytical problem-solving, or in spiritual surrender.

The key is developing responses that:

• Keep you present and engaged rather than checked out
• Maintain your capacity to learn and adapt
• Build your confidence and resilience over time
• Contribute positively to your environment and relationships
• Align with your values and long-term goals

The Bottom Line

Between stimulus and response, there is a gap.

In that gap lies our power to choose our experience of life.

Most people live unconsciously in this gap, allowing automatic, habitual responses to determine their relationship with challenge and adversity.

But it doesn’t have to be this way.

We can develop conscious coping mechanisms that serve our growth, strengthen our resilience, and contribute to the wellbeing of those around us.

My laughter in response to pain isn’t just a quirky habit—it’s a conscious choice to interpret discomfort as information rather than threat, to stay present rather than escape, and to find joy even in challenging moments.

When I choose to laugh, I’m exercising the most fundamental human freedom: the ability to choose my response to circumstances.

What coping mechanisms are you practicing? Which ones serve your growth, and which ones limit it? What would happen if you consciously chose responses that strengthened rather than weakened you?

The gap is always there.

The choice is always yours.

What will you choose?