Life's Not Fair—And That's the Best News You'll Ever Hear: Lessons from the Martial Arts Mat

The Smallest Guy in the Room

Before I got on the martial arts mat, I was always afraid of physical conflict and emotional arguments.

I would immediately go into amygdala mode—which often meant for me (always the smallest and least educated guy in the room), flight.

When confrontation loomed, my body made the decision before my mind could weigh in. Heart racing, palms sweating, thoughts scattering—and then I was gone, physically or mentally checking out of the situation.

It wasn't until I was introduced to aikido, and later to hapkido, that I realized being small wasn't necessarily a disadvantage—and in some ways was actually an advantage.

I discovered there are more than one way to "skin a cat" if you have teachers who help you lean into your strengths instead of trying to force you into a standardized box.

I was fortunate to have great instructors and classmates on the hapkido and BJJ mat. They helped me understand not only the limitations of my physical build (5'2" and 120 pounds) but also its unique strengths.

Where I lacked reach, I gained leverage. Where I couldn't match power, I developed speed and precision. What I couldn't accomplish with force, I achieved with timing and technique.

There's a saying on the mat that captures this perfectly:

This is life in a nutshell. Life isn't fair. It never has been and never will be.

But what are you going to do about it?

Martial arts teaches you that you have options—if you're willing to get uncomfortable enough times finding solutions to problems and then practicing those solutions until they become second nature.

And this doesn't just apply to the mat, but to every aspect of your life.

The Unexpected Gifts of Unfairness

Most people spend their lives resenting life's unfairness, waiting for equality that never arrives, or hoping some authority figure will eventually level the playing field.

They see unfairness as a bug in the system rather than a feature.

But what if life's unfairness is actually the greatest opportunity you'll ever receive?

Here's what I've learned from thousands of hours on the mat: unfairness isn't your enemy—it's your greatest teacher.

1. Unfairness Forces Innovation

When you're at a natural disadvantage—whether it's size, strength, resources, connections, or circumstances—you're forced to innovate. You can't rely on the same approaches that work for everyone else.

On the mat, this meant I couldn't win with power moves. I had to develop sensitivity, timing, and leverage that bigger guys never needed.

I had to study biomechanics more deeply, understand weight distribution more precisely, and develop techniques that worked specifically for my body type.

This same principle applies everywhere:

• The company with fewer resources invents new business models that industry leaders are too comfortable to discover
• The speaker who isn't naturally charismatic develops storytelling techniques that connect more authentically with audiences
• The student without academic advantages develops study methods and work ethics that outlast natural talent

Without the disadvantage, the innovation never happens. The unfairness is the catalyst for breakthrough.

2. Unfairness Reveals Your Unique Strengths

We all have natural advantages that remain hidden until unfairness forces us to discover them.

As the smallest guy in the dojo, I discovered advantages I never would have found otherwise:

• My lower center of gravity made me difficult to throw
• My shorter limbs allowed for tighter joint manipulation
• My size made me faster and more maneuverable than larger opponents

These weren't just consolation prizes—they were legitimate competitive advantages that would have remained undiscovered without the "unfair" size difference.

In your life and career, your greatest strengths often hide behind what you initially perceive as unfair disadvantages:

• The dyslexia that forces you to develop extraordinary listening skills and memory techniques
• The difficult childhood that builds resilience and emotional intelligence others lack
• The financial limitations that teach you resourcefulness and creativity with constraints

Fairness would have robbed you of these discoveries.

3. Unfairness Builds Transferable Adaptation Skills

When you regularly face unfairness on the mat—opponents who are bigger, stronger, more experienced, or more naturally talented—you develop adaptation as a core skill.

You learn to:

• Quickly assess reality without emotion
• Adjust your approach based on the specific challenge
• Find workable solutions rather than perfect ones
• Transform disadvantages into advantages through positioning and perspective

These adaptation skills transfer to every area of life:

• Navigating changing markets and technologies in your career
• Adjusting to relationship challenges and partner differences
• Responding effectively to unexpected life circumstances
• Finding opportunity within constraints

People who expect fairness never develop these adaptation muscles. They're brittle, breaking when circumstances don't match their expectations.

4. Unfairness Destroys Victimhood

Perhaps the greatest gift of martial arts training is that it systematically destroys the victim mentality.

When you're pinned under a 200-pound opponent, you have precisely two options:

1. You can complain about how unfair the weight difference is (which accomplishes nothing)
2. You can find a technical way out of the position (which solves the problem)

The mat doesn't care about your excuses or explanations. It rewards only effective action.

This reality-based mindset becomes your default approach to all life's challenges:

• Instead of complaining about difficult clients, you develop better client management systems
• Instead of resenting financial limitations, you create additional income streams
• Instead of blaming relationship partners for conflicts, you improve your communication skills

The question shifts from "Why is this happening to me?" to "What am I going to do about it?"

This single shift transforms you from a victim of circumstances to a creator of outcomes.

Martial Arts as Life's Laboratory

The beauty of martial arts training is that it creates a controlled laboratory where you can confront unfairness repeatedly, fail safely, and develop responses that work for your unique situation.

Here's how the mat becomes the perfect training ground for life's inherent unfairness:

1. Controlled Exposure to Stress

In martial arts, you experience:

• Physical stress (being pinned, punched, or pressured)
• Mental stress (solving dynamic problems under pressure)
• Emotional stress (facing fear, frustration, and occasional pain)

Yet all this happens in a controlled environment with clear boundaries, trustworthy partners, and the ability to tap or step out when needed.

This allows you to develop stress response patterns that serve you rather than sabotage you—a skill that transfers directly to:

• Having the hard conversations
• Setting appropriate boundaries
• Being open and vulnerable
• Asking that person out
• Standing your ground with difficult people

You learn to function effectively within discomfort rather than avoiding situations that create discomfort.

2. Real-Time Feedback Loops

On the mat, feedback is immediate and undeniable:

• If your technique is flawed, it fails
• If your balance is off, you fall
• If your timing is wrong, the opportunity vanishes

There's no room for self-deception or rationalization. Reality delivers the verdict instantly.

This creates a hunger for honest feedback that extends to all areas of life:

• Putting yourself out in the marketplace: What are you truly exceptional at? How do you genuinely help people make their lives easier, better and happier? How many people actually want your help?
• Relationships: Are your communication patterns creating connection or distance? Are your actions aligned with your values? Are you showing up authentically?
• Personal development: Are you making real progress or just going through the motions? Are your strategies working or just comfortable?

You become addicted to reality-based feedback rather than comforting illusions.

3. Progressive Challenge System

Martial arts provides a structured progression of challenges:

• White belts face different expectations than black belts
• Beginners work with fundamentals before advanced techniques
• Training intensity increases as skill and confidence grow

This progressive challenge system teaches you to:

• Start where you are, not where you wish you were
• Celebrate incremental progress
• Seek challenges at the edge of your capability
• Trust the process even when progress feels slow

Applied to life, this means:

• Creating the life of your dreams by taking appropriately sized next steps
• Loving yourself enough to want growth without expecting perfection
• Being willing to work consistently toward meaningful goals
• Accepting the abundance and bounty that comes from steady progression

You learn to balance acceptance of current reality with vision for future possibilities.

4. Community of Growth

Perhaps most importantly, martial arts surrounds you with people committed to similar values:

• Respect for the learning process
• Honesty about strengths and weaknesses
• Willingness to both support and challenge
• Celebration of effort and improvement, not just natural talent

This community provides both the support and accountability needed to transform how you respond to unfairness:

• Training partners who push your limits without breaking you
• Instructors who see potential you don't yet recognize
• Examples of others who have overcome similar challenges
• Honest mirrors who reflect both your progress and your blind spots

This growth-oriented community becomes the template for the relationships you cultivate in all areas of life.

Put It On the Mat:
Your 30-Day Unfairness Advantage Plan

Understanding these principles intellectually isn't enough. The transformation happens only when you "put it on the mat"—when you apply these insights through deliberate practice in your daily life.

Here's a 30-day plan to develop your unfairness advantage:

Week 1: Recognize Reality

Days 1-3: The Unfairness Inventory

For three days, carry a small notebook and document every instance where you encounter "unfairness" in your life:

• Situations where others have advantages you don't
• Challenges unique to your circumstances
• Resources or opportunities that seem unavailable to you
• Natural limitations you're working against

Don't try to solve these yet—just build awareness of where unfairness actually exists in your life.

Days 4-7: The Advantage Audit

Now review your unfairness inventory and for each item, ask:

• What unique strength might this disadvantage be forcing me to develop?
• How could this limitation actually serve me in some way?
• What would be possible if I stopped seeing this as unfair and started seeing it as my unique path?

Journal about the potential hidden advantages in your specific circumstances.

Week 2: Develop Your Response Toolkit

Days 8-10: The Pattern Interrupt

For three days, practice interrupting your automatic "unfairness" reactions:

1. Notice when you feel the victim response arising ("That's not fair!" or "Why me?")
2. Physically interrupt the pattern (take a deep breath, touch your thumb to your forefinger, or simply say "pattern interrupt" quietly to yourself)
3. Ask: "What's a more useful response to this reality?"

Start with small irritations before tackling major challenges.

Days 11-14: The Response Expansion

For four days, practice expanding your response options:

1. When facing any challenge, brainstorm at least three different approaches
2. Include at least one approach that leverages what seems like a disadvantage
3. Experiment with different responses rather than defaulting to your habitual reaction

Journal about what you discover through this experimentation.

Week 3: Create Your Advantage System

Days 15-17: The Leverage Identification

For three days, focus on identifying your unique leverage points:

• What skills or attributes do you have that others might lack?
• Where do your supposed disadvantages create unique perspectives or capabilities?
• What workarounds have you developed that might actually be superior approaches?

Document these potential leverage points in detail.

Days 18-21: The Strategic Application

For four days, deliberately apply your unique leverage to specific challenges:

1. Choose one area where you've felt at a disadvantage
2. Identify the specific leverage point you can apply
3. Develop a concrete strategy that uses this leverage
4. Implement and document results

Focus on small wins that build confidence in your approach.

Week 4: Create Your Growth Laboratory

Days 22-24: The Controlled Challenge

For three days, create your version of the "martial arts mat"—controlled environments where you can practice facing unfairness:

• Seek feedback from someone whose opinion you respect but find intimidating
• Enter a situation where you'll be a beginner amongst more experienced people
• Attempt something slightly beyond your current capabilities

Use these as laboratories to practice your new responses to unfairness.

Days 25-27: The Community Building

For three days, focus on building your growth community:

• Identify one person who models effective responses to unfairness
• Reach out to someone who can provide honest feedback on your blind spots
• Find or create a space where growth is valued over comfort

Take concrete steps to strengthen these connections.

Days 28-30: The Integration Assessment

For the final three days, assess your progress:

1. How has your perception of "unfairness" shifted?
2. What specific advantages have you discovered in your unique circumstances?
3. Which new response patterns are becoming more natural?
4. Where do you still default to victim thinking?
5. What will be your focus for continued development?

Create a specific plan for your next 30 days of practice.

The Ultimate Assessment:
From Victim to Victor

To measure your progress in transforming unfairness from obstacle to advantage, rate yourself on these dimensions:

1. Reality Orientation

• 1: I regularly complain about unfairness without taking action
• 5: I acknowledge reality as it is while working to change what I can
• 10: I actively seek challenging realities as growth opportunities

2. Response Flexibility

• 1: I have one default reaction to challenges (usually avoidance or complaint)
• 5: I can generate multiple possible responses when I consciously try
• 10: I automatically consider diverse approaches tailored to specific situations

3. Advantage Identification

• 1: I see only the disadvantages in my situations
• 5: I can identify potential advantages when I deliberately look for them
• 10: I instinctively recognize the unique advantages in any circumstance

4. Stress Response

• 1: I become overwhelmed and shut down under pressure
• 5: I can maintain function during moderate stress if I use specific techniques
• 10: I access my best thinking and capabilities precisely when challenges are greatest

5. Growth Orientation

• 1: I avoid situations that might expose my limitations
• 5: I willingly enter challenging situations if the benefit is clear
• 10: I actively seek challenges at the edge of my capabilities for the growth they provide

The goal isn't to reach perfect 10s across the board. The goal is conscious, consistent movement up the scale in each dimension.

Remember, this isn't just about martial arts—it's about recognizing that life's unfairness isn't a bug in the system. It's the feature that creates your unique path to growth, contribution, and fulfillment.

The mat just gives you a safe place to discover this truth through your body before you apply it with your life.

Life isn't fair. Thank goodness for that—because in that unfairness lies your greatest opportunity for becoming exceptional in ways that would never be possible in a perfectly fair world.

Now, get on the mat and practice.

The key to being a victor in life is learning to control your time so that you can invest your energy and focus to what really matters.

This was how I was able to work full-time as a foreman in construction, working on multi-million and billion-dollar projects, earn a couple of black belts, build a 6-figure business, travel the world with my wife and retire early.

Learn everything I learned and used in Control Your Time, Control Your Life​