The First Battle Every Warrior Must Win: Learning to Give to the Right People

There’s a fundamental battle that every warrior must fight and win before any other meaningful progress becomes possible.

It’s not the battle against external enemies or physical challenges, it’s the internal battle of learning how to give—and learning who deserves your gifts.

This might sound simple, even obvious.

But here’s the truth, the two reasons that most people never understand about success:

It’s because they’re looking to “get” more than they’re willing to “give.”

Or...

It's because they don’t know how to set healthy boundaries for who to help (give) and for how long.

I get it.

This happens to almost all of us because at some point in our lives, we’ve gotten burned when we gave.

The giving wasn’t honored, respected, or reciprocated—possibly all three.

And that sucks.

It doesn’t feel good, and it makes it hard to want to give again, or even at all.

But here’s what separates warriors from victims:

Warriors learn that the problem wasn’t the giving.

The problem was giving to the wrong people.

The Anatomy of the Giving Wound

Almost everyone has a story about being burned by generosity.

Maybe you:

• Lent money to a friend who never paid you back and acted like you were the problem for asking
• Went above and beyond at work only to be taken advantage of or passed over for promotion
• Gave your heart to someone who treated your love as weakness to exploit
• Helped a family member repeatedly only to have them demand more while showing no gratitude
• Shared your time, energy, or resources with someone who disappeared the moment they got what they wanted

These experiences create what I call the “giving wound”—a psychological injury that makes people either stop giving entirely or give so indiscriminately that they keep getting hurt over and over again.

The giving wound typically manifests in one of three ways:

The Fortress Response

Some people build walls around themselves and stop giving altogether.

They become transactional, calculating, and focused primarily on what they can get.

This protects them from being hurt but also prevents them from building the deep connections and collaborative relationships that create real success and satisfaction.

The Doormat Response

Others continue giving indiscriminately, hoping that if they just give enough, people will eventually treat them well.

They become people-pleasers who give to everyone regardless of worthiness, which actually attracts more takers and exploiters.

The Pendulum Response

Many people swing between the two extremes—giving too much and getting burned, then withdrawing completely until guilt or loneliness drives them to give indiscriminately again.

This creates a cycle of disappointment and resentment that never resolves.

None of these responses solve the real problem.

They all miss the fundamental lesson that the giving wound is trying to teach: not everyone deserves your gifts.

The Male Reciprocity Problem

Men, at least here in the United States, have a particular challenge with this dynamic.

For the most part, we don’t like “owing someone.”

It’s one of the psychological principles that Robert Cialdini discusses in his book Influence regarding reciprocity—we don’t like “having to” owe someone.

This cultural conditioning creates several problems:

Giving Becomes Uncomfortable

When you give to other men, you risk making them uncomfortable because they feel indebted. Many men will actually resent your generosity because it puts them in a position they associate with weakness or obligation.

Receiving Becomes Difficult

When others try to give to you, you feel uncomfortable accepting because you don’t want to owe them. This prevents you from building the reciprocal relationships that create mutual support and advancement.

Relationships Remain Superficial

When both giving and receiving are constrained by fear of obligation, relationships never develop the depth that comes from mutual investment and interdependence.

Collaboration Suffers

True collaboration requires people to give freely of their knowledge, connections, and resources. When everyone is keeping careful score, the free flow of value that creates exponential results becomes impossible.

This is what both holds us back and prevents deeper connections.

The fear of obligation—either creating it or feeling it—keeps us isolated in a world that rewards collaboration and mutual support.

The Worthiness Filter

The solution isn’t to stop giving or to give to everyone.

The solution is to develop what I call a “worthiness filter”—the ability to discern who deserves your gifts and who doesn’t.

This isn’t about being elitist or judgmental.

It’s about understanding that your time, energy, attention, and resources are limited and precious.

When you give them to the wrong people, you not only waste them—you also deprive the right people of what you could have contributed to their lives.

People worthy of your gifts demonstrate several key characteristics:

They Honor What You Give

Worthy recipients recognize the value of what you’re offering.

They don’t take it for granted or treat it casually.

They understand that your gift represents a piece of your life—time, energy, or resources that you could have used elsewhere.

They Respect the Relationship

Worthy people understand that giving creates connection, not obligation.

They don’t exploit your generosity or use it against you.

They treat the relationship as something valuable that should be nurtured and protected.

They Reciprocate When Possible

This doesn’t mean tit-for-tat transactions. It means they look for opportunities to contribute value back to the relationship when they can.

They operate from a mindset of abundance and mutual benefit rather than scarcity and extraction.

They Pay It Forward

Worthy recipients don’t just give back to you—they give forward to others.

They understand that gifts create a flow of positive energy that should circulate through communities, not get hoarded by individuals.

They Have Something to Give

This doesn’t mean they have to be wealthy or powerful.

But worthy people have some form of value—knowledge, skills, connections, perspectives, energy, or resources—that they’re willing to share.

People who only take and never give aren’t worthy of ongoing investment.

The Red Flags of Unworthiness

Just as important as recognizing worthy recipients is identifying the red flags that signal someone doesn’t deserve your gifts:

They Take Without Acknowledging

Some people accept what you give as if it’s owed to them.

They don’t express gratitude or even acknowledge the value of what they received.

This signals a fundamental lack of appreciation that makes further giving unwise.

They Always Have Their Hand Out

These are people who consistently ask for help but never seem to give anything back.

Every interaction involves them requesting something from you.

They see you as a resource to exploit rather than a person to have a relationship with.

They Disappear When They Get What They Want

Pay attention to whether people maintain contact and show interest in you beyond what you can provide for them.

People who only reach out when they need something aren’t building relationships—they’re using you.

They Don’t Honor Boundaries

When you set limits on what you’re willing or able to give, worthy people respect those boundaries.

Unworthy people will push, manipulate, guilt, or pressure you to give more than you’re comfortable giving.

They Have Nothing to Offer

This isn’t about material wealth.

Some people truly have nothing to give—no knowledge, no skills, no connections, no perspectives, no energy for others.

While you might choose to help such people occasionally out of compassion, they shouldn’t be a regular focus of your giving because the relationship will always be one-sided.

The Art of Boundary Setting

Learning to give to the right people requires developing the skill of setting, communicating, and holding healthy boundaries.

This is where most people struggle because they confuse boundaries with selfishness.

Healthy boundaries aren’t about being selfish—they’re about being strategic.

They ensure that your giving creates the maximum positive impact rather than being wasted on people who won’t appreciate, respect, or reciprocate it.

Setting Boundaries

Before you can communicate boundaries to others, you need to be clear about them yourself.

This requires honest self-assessment about:

• What you’re willing to give and what you’re not
• Under what conditions you’re comfortable giving
• What you expect in terms of appreciation and reciprocity
• What behaviors will cause you to withdraw your giving

Communicating Boundaries

Most people try to set boundaries through hints, passive-aggressive behavior, or resentful compliance followed by angry explosions.

Effective boundary communication is direct, clear, and non-emotional.

Instead of: “I guess I can help you move this weekend even though I’m really busy…”

Try: “I won’t be able to help with the move this weekend, but I could help you research moving companies if that would be useful.”

Holding Boundaries

The most difficult part of boundary setting is following through when people test them.

Unworthy people will often escalate their requests, use guilt or manipulation, or try to go around your boundaries.

Holding boundaries requires:

• Consistency in your responses
• Emotional regulation when people react negatively
• Willingness to lose relationships that are fundamentally exploitative
• Confidence in the value of what you’re protecting

The Economic Reality of Giving

Here’s a perspective that might help clarify the importance of strategic giving: think of your time, energy, and resources as investment capital.

Every time you give something to someone, you’re making an investment.

Smart investors don’t give their money to anyone who asks—they carefully evaluate the potential for returns and the trustworthiness of the recipient.

Returns on giving investments can include:

• Reciprocal assistance when you need help
• Access to new opportunities through the recipient’s network
• Enhanced reputation as someone who invests in quality people
• Emotional satisfaction from contributing to worthy causes
• Skill development through the act of giving
• Relationship deepening that provides ongoing mutual benefit

When you give to unworthy people, you get negative returns:

• Wasted resources that could have been invested elsewhere
• Resentment and frustration that affects your willingness to give
• Attraction of more takers who see you as an easy target
• Opportunity cost of not giving to worthy recipients
• Damaged boundaries that make future exploitation more likely

The Positive Spiral of Strategic Giving

When you learn to give strategically to worthy people, something powerful happens: you create a positive spiral that attracts more worthy people and creates increasing returns on your giving investments.

This happens because:

Worthy People Talk to Other Worthy People

When you help someone who truly appreciates it, they often tell others about your generosity.

But they tell other people like them—people who also honor, respect, and reciprocate gifts.

Your Reputation Improves

As word spreads about your strategic generosity, you become known as someone who invests in quality people and causes.

This attracts other high-quality individuals who want to be part of your network.

Reciprocity Multiplies

When worthy people receive value from you, they look for ways to reciprocate.

This creates multiple streams of return that often exceed your original investment.

Your Giving Capacity Increases

As the returns on your giving investments accumulate, you have more resources to invest in additional worthy people and causes.

This creates exponential growth in both your impact and your network.

The Practical Implementation Strategy

Here’s how to apply these principles systematically:

Week 1: Audit Your Current Giving

• List all the people you currently give time, energy, money, or resources to
• Evaluate each relationship using the worthiness criteria
• Identify patterns in your giving that create positive or negative returns

Week 2: Establish Clear Boundaries

• Define your giving parameters for different types of relationships
• Identify your non-negotiables—what you won’t give or accept
• Practice communicating these boundaries in low-stakes situations

Week 3: Redirect Your Giving

• Reduce or eliminate giving to unworthy recipients
• Increase investment in relationships with worthy people
• Seek out new opportunities to give to people who meet your criteria

Week 4: Monitor and Adjust

• Track the results of your strategic giving
• Notice changes in your stress levels, relationship quality, and opportunities
• Refine your approach based on what you learn

The Deeper Purpose

This isn’t ultimately about getting more for yourself, though that will likely happen.

This is about maximizing the positive impact you can have in the world by ensuring your gifts go to people who will honor, multiply, and extend them.

When you give to worthy people:

• Your gifts create maximum positive impact
• Recipients are genuinely helped and improved
• The value circulates through communities rather than being consumed by takers
• You maintain the energy and resources needed for ongoing giving
• You model healthy boundaries for others to emulate

This is the first battle every warrior must win because it determines whether you’ll have the relationships, resources, and reputation needed to fight larger battles successfully.

The Bottom Line

Learning to give to the right people isn’t just a nice personal development goal—it’s the foundation upon which all other success is built.

Without this skill, you’ll either become isolated and transactional, or you’ll exhaust yourself giving to people who don’t deserve your gifts.

The reason most people struggle in life is because they’re looking to get more than they’re willing to give.

But the deeper truth is that many people have been willing to give—they just gave to the wrong people and got burned for it.

So yes, it is and isn’t about giving and getting.

It is about doing it with people worthy of the gifts you have to give and who are willing to share their gifts back with you.

The path forward isn’t to stop giving or to give indiscriminately.

The path forward is to develop the wisdom to distinguish between worthy and unworthy recipients, the courage to set and hold boundaries, and the strategic thinking to invest your gifts where they will create the maximum positive impact.

This is the first battle.

Win it, and all other battles become easier.

Lose it, and even victories in other areas will feel hollow and unsustainable.

Your gifts are precious.

Give them to people who will treat them—and you—accordingly.