The Trust Equation: Why Removing Self-Interest Is the Key to Great Leadership

You can have all the credibility, reliability, and intimacy in the world. But if you’re too focused on yourself, nobody will trust you.

The other day, during a session with my executive coach, we were talking about some business challenges I’ve been experiencing.

He asked me: “Since you like frameworks and mental models so much”—he actually doesn’t prefer them as much, which is one reason why he’s a great coach for me—”have you heard of the Trust Equation?”

I hadn’t.

So he had me look it up.

The Trust Equation is:

(Credibility + Reliability + Intimacy) / Self-Orientation

Basically, the sum of the safe environment you generate, along with your consistency and capability—but then it’s how much you take your own self-interest out of the equation that allows you to be more trusted.

The lower your self-orientation, the higher your trustworthiness.

He brought this up because he was helping me get past my blue-collar communication style.

Which can often be brusque. Assertive, sometimes aggressive. A bit too much “in your face.”

All of which is coming from my own self-orientation. Not from the perspective of the person I’m engaging with.

It’s a classic case of what worked for me on the construction site—and with most of my coworkers—actually holding me back and even tripping me up in the “white-collar” world of business.

He wanted to show me something critical:

All of my credibility—my experience, intelligence, wisdom.

All of my reliability—my habits of being dependable, consistent, showing up.

All of my intimacy—my desire to not be like the toxic journeymen and foremen I worked for, and instead create a more emotionally safe relationship.

All of that could be terribly undermined when I came from a “me” orientation instead of a “we” or, even better, a “them” orientation.

Because it’s not about me.

It’s about WIIFM—”What’s In It For Me?”

And everybody—I do mean everybody—is always thinking that.

If you don’t come from that perspective with your customers, your team, your family, your friends—you will always undermine your effectiveness.

If you want to be more effective, you need to be more trusted.

And to do that, you need to build your Trust Equation.

Breaking Down the Trust Equation

Let’s break down each component:

Credibility

This is your expertise. Your knowledge. Your track record.

Do you know what you’re talking about? Have you done this before? Can you deliver on what you promise?

Credibility is built through competence and results.

Reliability

This is your consistency. Your dependability. Your follow-through.

Do you show up when you say you will? Do you do what you say you’ll do? Can people count on you?

Reliability is built through consistent action over time.

Intimacy

This is the emotional safety you create. The vulnerability you allow. The connection you build.

Do people feel safe with you? Can they be honest with you? Do they feel seen and heard?

Intimacy is built through empathy, listening, and creating psychological safety.

Self-Orientation

This is the degree to which you’re focused on yourself versus the other person.

Are you thinking about what you’ll get out of this? Or what they’ll get out of this?

Are you trying to prove yourself? Or trying to help them?

Self-orientation is the denominator. The higher it is, the lower your trust.

Why Self-Orientation Destroys Trust

Here’s the key insight:

You can have all the credibility, reliability, and intimacy in the world.

But if your self-orientation is high, nobody will trust you.

Because people can sense when you’re focused on yourself.

When you’re trying to prove how smart you are. When you’re trying to win the argument. When you’re trying to get something from them.

And when they sense that, they don’t trust you.

Not because you’re incompetent. Not because you’re unreliable. Not because you’re cold.

But because they know you’re focused on yourself, not them.

And if you’re focused on yourself, you’re not looking out for their best interests.

And if you’re not looking out for their best interests, why should they trust you?

What My Coach Was Telling Me

My coach was pointing out something I hadn’t fully seen:

My blue-collar communication style—brusque, assertive, in-your-face—was coming from self-orientation.

I was focused on getting my point across. On being heard. On proving I was right.

Not on understanding them. Not on making them feel heard. Not on serving their needs.

And that was undermining all the credibility, reliability, and intimacy I’d built.

Because my self-orientation was too high.

On the construction site, that style worked. Because the culture was direct. Blunt. No-nonsense.

But off the construction site, it doesn’t work the same way.

People interpret it differently. They feel attacked. They feel dismissed. They feel like I’m not listening.

And they don’t trust me.

Not because I’m not credible. Not because I’m not reliable. Not because I don’t care.

But because my communication style signals high self-orientation.

And high self-orientation kills trust.

The WIIFM Principle

Here’s the truth:

Everybody—and I do mean everybody—is always thinking, “What’s in it for me?”

Not because they’re selfish. But because that’s how humans are wired.

We’re constantly evaluating: Is this good for me? Does this help me? Does this serve my needs?

And if the answer is no, we disengage.

So if you want to be effective—as a leader, as a salesperson, as a partner, as a parent—you need to come from a “them” orientation.

You need to answer the WIIFM question before they even ask it.

Not by manipulating them. Not by pretending to care when you don’t.

But by genuinely focusing on their needs, their goals, their challenges.

And when you do that—when you lower your self-orientation—trust goes up.

How to Lower Your Self-Orientation

Here’s what I am practicing to be a better leader, partner and human being:

Step 1: Shift your focus from “me” to “them.”

Before you speak, before you act, ask yourself:

What does this person need right now? What are they trying to achieve? What are their concerns?

Not: What do I want to say? What do I want them to know? What do I want to get from this?

Shift your focus from yourself to them.

Step 2: Listen more than you talk.

High self-orientation shows up as talking too much. Proving your point. Making sure you’re heard.

Low self-orientation shows up as listening. Asking questions. Seeking to understand.

If you’re doing most of the talking, your self-orientation is probably too high.

Listen more. Talk less.

Step 3: Ask questions instead of making statements.

Statements are about you. Your knowledge. Your perspective.

Questions are about them. Their knowledge. Their perspective.

Instead of saying, “Here’s what you should do,” ask, “What do you think would work best?”

Instead of saying, “I think this is the problem,” ask, “What’s your take on this?”

Questions lower self-orientation. Statements raise it.

Step 4: Make it about their success, not yours.

When you’re working with someone—whether it’s a client, a team member, a partner—make it about their success.

Not your success. Not your reputation. Not your win.

Their success.

When they succeed, you succeed. But if you’re focused on your success first, they’ll sense it.

And they won’t trust you.

Step 5: Check your motives.

Before you engage with someone, check your motives.

Am I doing this to help them? Or to help myself?

Am I trying to serve their needs? Or prove myself?

Am I focused on their outcome? Or my outcome?

Be honest. And if your motive is self-oriented, adjust.

Step 6: Practice empathy.

Empathy is the antidote to self-orientation.

When you genuinely try to understand what someone else is experiencing, feeling, needing—you can’t be self-oriented.

You’re focused on them.

So practice empathy. Put yourself in their shoes. See the situation from their perspective.

That’s how you lower self-orientation.

What This Looks Like in Practice

Here’s a real example from my life:

As a foreman, I used to give direct orders.

“Do it this way.” “Here’s what we’re doing.” “Get it done.”

That worked on some jobsites. With some crews.

But with others, it didn’t.

They felt dismissed. They felt like I didn’t value their input. They felt like I was just barking orders.

And they didn’t trust me.

So I adjusted. I lowered my self-orientation.

Instead of saying, “Here’s what we’re doing,” I started asking, “What do you think is the best approach here?”

Instead of saying, “Do it this way,” I started saying, “Here’s what I’m thinking. What do you see that I might be missing?”

I made it about them. Their input. Their expertise.

And you know what happened?

They trusted me more. They worked harder. They took more ownership.

Not because I became less credible or less reliable.

But because I lowered my self-orientation.

The Difference Between Blue-Collar and How Most Other People Communicate

Here’s what I’ve learned:

Blue-collar communication is direct. Blunt. No-nonsense.

You say what needs to be said. You don’t sugarcoat. You don’t waste time.

And in that environment, it works.

Because everyone understands the culture. Everyone knows it’s not personal. Everyone knows you’re just trying to get the job done.

But off the jobsite communication is different.

It’s more nuanced. More relational. More focused on how you say things, not just what you say.

And if you bring blue-collar communication into other environments, it can backfire.

Not because the content is wrong. But because the style signals high self-orientation.

It feels aggressive. It feels dismissive. It feels like you’re not listening.

And that kills trust.

So I’ve had to adjust. To lower my self-orientation. To communicate in a way that serves the other person, not just my need to be heard.

The Challenge

Here’s what I want you to do this week:

Pick one relationship where trust could be higher.

Maybe it’s with a client. Maybe it’s with a team member. Maybe it’s with your partner.

Then assess your Trust Equation:

1. Credibility: Do they see you as competent and knowledgeable?
2. Reliability: Do they see you as consistent and dependable?
3. Intimacy: Do they feel emotionally safe with you?
4. Self-Orientation: Are you focused on yourself or on them?

Be honest.

Then focus on lowering your self-orientation.

Listen more. Ask more questions. Make it about their success, not yours.

And watch what happens.

The Truth About Trust

Trust isn’t just about being competent, reliable, and empathetic.

It’s about lowering your self-orientation.

Because people don’t trust you just because you’re good at what you do.

They trust you because they believe you’re focused on their best interests, not yours.

And the only way to build that belief is to actually focus on their best interests.

Not as a tactic. But as a genuine orientation.

So if you want to be more effective—as a leader, as a partner, as a human being—you need to build your Trust Equation.

Build your credibility. Build your reliability. Build intimacy.

And lower your self-orientation.

Make it about them. Not you.

That’s the key to great leadership.

What’s one way you can lower your self-orientation today?