The Shadow Side of the Dojo: Confronting Misogyny and Creating True Safety on the Mat

For over 40 years, I’ve been telling people to get on the mat and train.

I’ve praised martial arts as the ultimate character forge, the fastest path to joining society’s top 20%, and a sacred space for practicing controlled violence.

All of that remains true.

But I have a confession to make:

There’s a shadow side to the dojo that I haven’t adequately addressed, and it’s driving away the very people we most need on the mat.

I was checking out a podcast titled “Why Women Quit Jiu-Jitsu,” and it forced me to confront some uncomfortable truths about martial arts culture—truths I’ve witnessed firsthand but haven’t spoken about directly.

You can’t solve a problem if you don’t acknowledge there’s a problem in the first place.

My Own Blind Spots

I need to be honest about my own limitations.

I’m a guy with a lot of the rough edges that some guys have, especially coming from construction where having a "thick skin" is the norm, not the exception.

This was exacerbated by being raised with very little emotional intelligence and awareness, compounded by 35 years in the construction industry—an environment not exactly known for its sensitivity training.

Even though one of my all-time best work partners was a black woman from Chicago (we got shit done!), my female coworkers and martial arts training partners were few and far between.

Even my wife, when she was my girlfriend training toward her black belt, rarely trained with me.

Looking back, I understand why.

The culture I was part of—and in many ways helped perpetuate—wasn’t always welcoming to women.

Now, in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, I find myself with far more female training partners than I ever had in hapkido.

Because of my “smaller” size, I often drill and roll with female students.

This experience has opened my eyes to dynamics I was previously blind to—both as the ignorant participant and later as an instructor trying to create safer environments.

The Cultural Problems We Don’t Talk About

The podcast exposed several uncomfortable truths about martial arts culture that extend far beyond any single gym or style:

The Microaggression Epidemic

Misogyny in martial arts isn’t just about blatant abuse—it’s about the cumulative effect of jokes, dismissiveness, objectification, and unsafe spaces.

Women describe experiencing everything from inappropriate comments about their appearance (“your hair smells good,” “you’re strong for a girl”) to sexualized jokes from coaches and teammates.

These aren’t isolated incidents.

They’re patterns that create an environment where women feel like outsiders in spaces that should welcome everyone seeking to improve themselves.

The False Binary of Gym Culture

Many gyms fall into one of two problematic extremes:

• Option A: Allow locker-room behavior with the “boys will be boys” mentality
• Option B: Swing too far toward sterile, overly clinical atmospheres that kill camaraderie

Neither approach works.

Healthy culture requires finding the sweet spot: safe + fun + respectful.

You can have humor and camaraderie without objectification and exclusion.

The Numbers Game

In most martial arts gyms, women are outnumbered roughly 7:1.

Imagine walking into any other social or professional environment where you’re the minority of 12%

Now imagine that environment involves physical contact, vulnerability, and potential for injury.

The psychological pressure is immense.

The Gaslighting Problem

One of the most insidious issues is the subtle gaslighting that occurs when women struggle with techniques that simply don’t work the same way for smaller bodies against larger opponents.

The “Technique Works for Everyone” Myth

A common example: when women can’t execute certain techniques on partners who outweigh them by 100+ pounds, instructors often claim, “You’ll get it with more practice,” instead of acknowledging basic physics.

This isn’t about making excuses—it’s about honest instruction.

Some techniques require modifications based on size and strength differentials.

Pretending otherwise doesn’t serve anyone and makes students feel like failures when they’re actually encountering legitimate physical limitations.

Believe me as a guy weighing in at 120# soaking wet, I totally get this!

The Intention vs. Impact Gap

Male instructors and students often focus on their intentions (“I didn’t mean it that way”) while dismissing the impact of their words and actions.

Good intentions don’t erase harmful impact.

Creating safe spaces requires taking responsibility for how our behavior affects others, regardless of our intentions.

The Self-Defense Reality Check

Many women come to martial arts from experiences of trauma, assault, or fear.

Yet self-defense scenarios are often taught from a male fantasy perspective—the stranger in a dark alley—instead of reality.

The uncomfortable truth: most assaults are committed by someone the woman knows and trusts.

This changes everything about how self-defense should be approached.

Are you psychologically prepared to break your uncle’s arm if he attacks you?

The sense of betrayal and confusion in such situations requires entirely different preparation than defending against a random stranger.

Trauma-Informed Training

Effective women’s programs require understanding trauma and emotional safety, not just physical technique.

This means:

• Recognizing fight/flight/freeze/fawn responses
• Understanding triggers during close-contact drills
• Learning to read discomfort and offer opt-outs
• Using language that emphasizes choice and agency

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do” should be a fundamental principle, not an afterthought.

The Dating Pool Problem

One of the most destructive dynamics in martial arts communities is when gyms become hunting grounds for romantic prospects.

As Shelby York put it in the podcast: “You don’t shit where you eat” and “This is not your dating pool.”

Why This Matters

When male students or instructors treat the gym as a dating opportunity:

• Women feel unsafe and objectified
• Training partnerships become complicated by romantic agendas
• Power dynamics create uncomfortable situations
• Women leave when relationships go badly
• The entire culture shifts from learning to social maneuvering

Clear boundaries protect culture and retention.

Rough Hands BJJ, mentioned in the podcast, maintains a 50/50 gender split—proof that strict standards combined with humor and authenticity create both safety and inclusion.

The Male Responsibility Factor

What Men Get Wrong

Many male martial artists overthink training with women to the point of paralysis.

They worry about accidental contact, false accusations, or saying the wrong thing.

This overcomplicated approach often creates more problems than it solves.

The solution is simpler than most men think: treat women like training partners, not like exotic creatures requiring special handling.

What Men Need to Do

Call out bad behavior—privately or publicly as appropriate:

• “Hey, that’s not cool.”
• “We don’t do that here.”
• “Let’s keep it professional.”

Model respect through language and awareness:

• Use the same technical language with everyone
• Avoid comments about appearance or gender-specific attributes
• Focus on training and improvement, not personal characteristics

Don’t overthink rolling with women:

• Ask about injuries and training goals (same as with any partner)
• Adjust intensity based on size and skill level (same as with any partner)
• Communicate during training (same as with any partner)

Build emotional intelligence to separate intimacy/vulnerability from sexuality:

• Understand that physical proximity in training isn’t sexual
• Learn to be comfortable with appropriate physical contact
• Develop the maturity to maintain professional boundaries

Creating Authentic Safety

True safety on the mat isn’t about walking on eggshells or eliminating all risk.

It’s about creating an environment where people can be vulnerable in service of growth without fear of exploitation or harm.

The Sacred Space Principle

A dojo is a sacred space for practicing controlled violence.This means:

• Trust is the fundamental currency
• Vulnerability is required for learning
• Respect is non-negotiable
• Safety enables risk-taking in service of growth

Once trust is broken through sexism, inappropriate behavior, or abuse of power, it’s nearly impossible to restore.

Practical Cultural Cues

Small signals send big messages:

Physical environment:

• Bathrooms stocked with tampons and hair ties
• Equal representation in promotional materials
• Clean, well-maintained facilities

Leadership structure:

• Female coaches or assistant instructors visible
• Mixed-gender leadership teams
• Clear mentorship pathways for women

Behavioral standards:

• Zero tolerance for “dating pool” behavior
• Swift intervention when boundaries are crossed
• Consistent enforcement of standards regardless of rank or status

The Humor with Honor Principle

Fun and camaraderie are essential to good martial arts culture.

But humor must punch across (shared experience) or up (self-deprecating), never down (objectifying or mocking someone’s identity).

Good humor includes everyone in the joke.

Bad humor makes someone the joke.

The Communication Solution

Most training awkwardness can be eliminated through simple, respectful communication:

Before training:

• “What are you working on today?”
• “Any injuries I should know about?”
• “How hard do you want to go?”
• “Anything off-limits?”

During training:

• “Is this pressure okay?”
• “Want to try that again?”
• “Let me know if you need a break.”

After training:

• “Good training today.”
• “Any feedback on that technique?”
• “Thanks for the good rolls.”

This simple dialogue eliminates 90% of potential awkwardness while creating a foundation of mutual respect and clear communication.

The Leadership Imperative

As martial arts instructors and senior students, we have a responsibility that extends beyond teaching techniques.

We are culture creators and guardians of the sacred space.

Early Intervention Strategy

The most effective approach is addressing issues before they become problems:

Day One Orientation:

• Clear explanation of gym culture and expectations
• Introduction to boundaries and respect protocols
• Explanation of consequences for violations

Ongoing Reinforcement:

• Regular reminders during class about respectful training
• Immediate correction of inappropriate behavior
• Recognition and modeling of positive interactions

Community Building:

• Mixed-gender training partnerships
• Inclusive social events outside the gym
• Mentorship programs pairing experienced women with newcomers

The Compound Effect of Culture

Culture is contagious.

One safe environment can shift the behavior of all new visitors.

When people walk into a gym where respect is genuinely practiced, not just preached, they adapt their behavior accordingly.

Conversely, toxic culture spreads just as quickly.

One inappropriate comment that goes unchallenged signals that such behavior is acceptable.

The Business Case for Change

Beyond the moral imperative, creating inclusive environments makes practical sense:

Retention and Growth

• Women represent 50% of the potential market
• Female students often bring friends and family members
• Inclusive gyms have better retention rates across all demographics
• Word-of-mouth marketing is more powerful from satisfied female students

Quality of Training

• Diverse training partners improve everyone’s technique
• Different body types and styles create better learning opportunities
• Mixed-gender training develops more complete skill sets
• Inclusive environments attract higher-quality students overall

The Path Forward

For Individual Practitioners

Examine your own behavior:

• How do you speak about and to female training partners?
• Do you make assumptions based on gender rather than ability?
• Are you part of the solution or part of the problem?

Develop your emotional intelligence:

• Learn to separate physical intimacy from sexuality
• Practice appropriate professional boundaries
• Build comfort with vulnerability in training contexts

Become an active ally:

Speak up when you witness inappropriate behavior

Support and mentor female training partners

Model the behavior you want to see in your gym

For Instructors and Gym Owners

Create explicit policies:

• Written codes of conduct with clear consequences
• Zero tolerance for romantic pursuit of students
• Regular training on appropriate boundaries and behavior

Build inclusive leadership:

• Promote qualified female instructors
• Create mentorship opportunities for women
• Ensure female representation in decision-making

Monitor and adjust:

• Regular surveys about gym culture and safety
• Anonymous feedback systems
• Swift action when problems are identified

The Transformation Opportunity

The martial arts community stands at a crossroads.

We can continue perpetuating cultures that drive away half the population, or we can evolve into something better—environments that truly embody the warrior virtues we claim to teach.

The Vision

Imagine martial arts schools where:

• Gender balance approaches 50/50
• All students feel equally safe and supported
• Humor and camaraderie thrive without exclusion
• Technique instruction accounts for physical realities
• Leadership reflects the diversity of the community
• Respect is practiced, not just preached

This isn’t a fantasy—gyms like Rough Hands BJJ prove it’s possible.

The Choice

Every interaction on the mat is a choice:

• Will you perpetuate old patterns or create new ones?
• Will you speak up for safety or remain silent?
• Will you treat all training partners with equal respect?
• Will you help build the culture you want to see?

The Sacred Responsibility

As guardians of the dojo, we have a sacred responsibility to protect not just the physical safety of our students, but their dignity, growth, and love for the art.

The woman who quits martial arts because of inappropriate behavior doesn’t just lose the benefits of training—she loses faith in an entire community.

Her daughters may never step on a mat.

Her friends may never discover the transformative power of martial arts.

When we fail to create safe spaces, we don’t just lose students—we lose the opportunity to change lives.

The Call to Action

The shadow side of martial arts culture isn’t someone else’s problem—it’s our collective responsibility.

You can’t solve a problem you won’t acknowledge, and you can’t change a culture you won’t confront.

Start Today

• Examine your own behavior and biases honestly
• Speak up the next time you witness inappropriate behavior
• Support the women in your gym through mentorship and respect
• Demand better from your instructors and training partners
• Create the culture you want to see, one interaction at a time

The Ultimate Test

The true test of a martial arts school isn’t the trophies on the wall or the techniques being taught—it’s whether every person who walks through the door can train safely, grow authentically, and leave with their dignity intact.

The New Warrior Code

The traditional warrior codes of honor, respect, and protection must evolve to meet modern realities.

True strength isn’t demonstrated by dominating others—it’s shown by creating environments where everyone can discover their own strength.

As Shelby York said:

That line captures the essence of both martial arts and leadership.

The dojo should be one of the few places where people can safely explore their limits, confront their fears, and grow beyond what they thought possible.

If we can’t create safety for half the population, we’re not teaching warrior virtues—we’re perpetuating the very weaknesses that martial arts should eliminate.

The choice is ours.

The time is now.

The mat is waiting.

What kind of culture will you help create?

Because at the end of the day, martial art training without also mental, emotional and spiritual training, then we're just creating better-trained bullies.