Fear, Fawning, and Respect:
How to Stop Playing Small and Start Living Like a Warrior

The Bus Bar and the Black Belt

Back in the late '80s, I found myself laying on my side, lying on a piece of cardboard inside a hot, dusty electrical room, staring at some "hot" 3000 amp bus bars.

The electricians forgot to give us the 120V uninterruptible power circuit that we needed for our fire alarm panel.

So there we were getting ready to tap into a live bus bar to get our 120V circuit.

My heart was hammering.

I had a cordless drill in one hand and a buddy with a 2x4 behind me—just in case I got lit up and he had to knock me off the circuit.

It wasn’t smart. Hell, it was borderline suicidal.

But it wasn’t fear that drove me there—it was respect. I knew the risks. I understood the stakes.

I’d been coached, prepped, and knew what I needed to do, step-by-step.

That moment burned something into my bones: fear makes you freeze or flee, but respect makes you focus.

Fast-forward a few decades.

These days, I’m usually flat on my back on a jiu-jitsu mat, with an upper belt leaning on my diaphragm like he’s reclining in a La-Z-Boy.

It’s humbling.

But I don’t fawn. I don’t cower. I don’t worship his rank.

I respect the mat, respect the man, and do my job—survive, learn, and show up again tomorrow.

Whether it’s a jobsite or the dojo, one of the biggest reasons I see men failing to grow is because they confuse fear and fawning with respect.

Fear makes you avoid hard things.

Fawning makes you diminish yourself.

But respect? That’s where growth begins.

And I’m here to tell you: You will never become the man you want to be until you stop being afraid of other people and stop trying to win their approval.

Stop playing small.

Learn the difference. Step into respect.

That’s the ground where warriors are made.

The Anatomy of Fear, Fawning, and Respect

Fear: The Mind-Killer

Fear gets a bad rap—but it also gets misunderstood.

Fear is a biological response meant to keep us alive.

But if left unchecked, it becomes the invisible fence that keeps us small.

Most young men today are living in a psychological cage, not because the world is dangerous, but because they’ve never learned how to work through fear.

Fear shows up as avoidance, procrastination, excuses.

It’s the hesitation before speaking up. It’s the reluctance to roll with someone better than you. It’s the internal voice saying, “You’re not ready.”

And if you listen to it long enough, it becomes your default operating system.

Fawning: The People-Pleaser’s Prison

Fawning is fear’s socially acceptable cousin.

It’s what happens when you defer too much, give away your power, and minimize yourself in the presence of someone you perceive as ‘above’ you.

On the jobsite, it looked like apprentices kissing ass instead of asking good questions. On the mat, it looks like white belts letting higher belts dominate without offering any real resistance—not because they’re learning, but because they don’t want to upset someone.

Fawning is dangerous because it disguises itself as respect.

But real respect requires courage. Fawning is just fear in a polite costume.

Respect: The Warrior’s Way

Respect is rooted in clarity, strength, and self-worth.

It means you see the value in something or someone—and in yourself.

Respect acknowledges skill, power, rank, experience—but doesn’t shrink in its presence.

Respect is standing tall even when you’re outmatched.

It’s doing your best work when nobody’s watching.

It’s the OODA Loop in action: Observe, Orient, Decide, Act.

Respect puts you in a state of strategic awareness, not emotional reactivity.

If fear is chaos and fawning is submission, respect is order.

Why This Matters More Than Ever

In today’s culture of instant validation and fake bravado, many young men are stuck in a loop: they fear being judged, so they fawn over influencers, bosses, coaches, and even friends—hoping to earn scraps of approval.

But that doesn’t build strength.

It breeds dependence.

You don’t build muscle by asking the weights for permission. You don’t earn respect by apologizing for taking up space.

When you respect yourself first, others can meet you there. And if they can’t? That tells you everything you need to know.

Training for Respect: A Warrior’s Protocol

1. Face One Fear Daily – Talk to the person you’ve been avoiding. Speak up in that meeting. Ask the tough question. Roll with the higher belt. Fear loses its grip the moment you engage.
2. Stop Asking for Permission – Respect doesn’t beg. Start your project. Make your move. Say what you mean. Do it cleanly, do it clearly, and move forward.
3. Audit Your Fawning – Where are you shrinking? Who do you pretend to like but secretly resent? Stop performing. Start aligning.
4. Respect the Craft – Whether it’s the mat, the jobsite, or your business, treat it like it matters. Sloppiness is disrespect in disguise.
5. Stand Your Ground, Humbly – Arrogance is not strength. Submission is not humility. Strength is saying: "I’m here. I’m learning. I’m not better than you—but I’m not less, either."

If you do this for 30 days, your world will change. Not because people treat you differently—but because you do.

The Black Belt Doesn’t Want Your Worship

I remember one specific roll that changed everything for me. It was a Sunday open mat when I first joined Meraki.

I'm a brand new white belt, still wet behind the ears (for BJJ), and I found myself paired up with one of the black belt professors.

I hesitated. I wasn’t afraid of getting hurt. I was afraid of looking stupid. Of disrespecting him with my awkwardness.

So I moved slowly. I let him advance. I didn’t attack. I didn’t do much of anything.

After the roll, he smiled and patted me on the shoulder.

“Next time,” he said, “don’t hold back.”

That was it. No lecture. No ego.

Just an invitation—to stop fawning and start showing up.

It hit me like a thunderclap. He didn’t want my fear. He didn’t want my worship. He wanted my presence. My respect. And in return, I earned his.

Since then, I’ve carried that lesson everywhere: into hard conversations with loved ones, into business meetings, into coaching calls with young men who remind me of myself at 25—hungry, unsure, full of potential but stuck in fear or fawning.

Here’s the truth: Nobody is better than you. But they might be further along.

And if they’re the real deal, they don’t want your obedience—they want your honesty, your questions, your curiosity, your effort.

So what does this mean for you?

It means:

• Stop being scared of your boss, your coach, your professor.
• Stop performing for approval.
• Start showing up with humility and backbone.
• Start learning the difference between fear, fawning, and respect—and living in that space of strength.

Putting It On the Mat

Today, pick one place where you’ve been shrinking—either out of fear or people-pleasing. Step forward instead.

• Roll with the higher belt like you belong there.
• Speak to your mentor like a man, not a servant.
• Take on that challenge you’ve been avoiding.

Respect the mat. Respect the moment. Respect yourself.

Because no one’s going to hand you your manhood, your rank, or your power. You’ve got to earn it—by living it.

And it starts today.

Are you sicked and tired of being surrounded by losers, lemmings and Luddites?

Then join the Leader's Dojo, where you not only discover how badass you are but you're surrounded by other badass warriors and leaders who will help you to be even better.

​Join now here!​