The Seven Words That Changed My Life: Why Most People Live in Quiet Desperation

Almost every day from 1987 until 2007, I walked into a small dojang in Santa Monica and read the same seven statements hanging on the wall.

While stretching (sometimes foolishly and painfully—I didn’t know better back then), training, and often gasping for air during rest breaks, I would look up at those words and ask myself one question:

The seven statements were the Hapkido Creed, according to Grandmaster Bong Soo Han, representing what his art stood for and, by default, what he expected his students to adopt:

1. Courtesy
2. Integrity
3. Wisdom
4. Perseverance
5. Self-Control
6. Indomitable Spirit
7. Perfection of Character

At the time, I thought this was just part of the martial arts tradition—something every school probably did.

I had no idea I was receiving one of the most valuable gifts of my life: a clear framework for what I stood for as a human being.

It wasn’t until decades later, through countless conversations with people from all walks of life, that I realized how rare this gift actually was.

Most people—intelligent, successful, well-meaning people—have never clearly defined what they stand for.

They’re living lives of quiet desperation because they’re navigating without a compass.

The Conversation That Opened My Eyes

I’m an introvert who avoids small talk but loves deep conversations.

Over the years, during these meaningful exchanges, I started asking people a simple question:

The responses revealed a shocking truth: most people can’t clearly communicate what they stand for.

They’ll give me the typical Overton-window, socially acceptable answers: family, love, independence, honesty, success.

But when I probe deeper—when I ask how these values specifically guide their daily decisions or how they know when they’re living in alignment with them—the conversation often stalls.

These aren’t bad people. They’re just people who have never been forced to clearly define their True North.

My buddy, Paul Ryan, calls these your “Unique Personal Drivers”—the 3-5 UPDs that move your life forward joyfully and in a fulfilling way.

Most people have never identified theirs, let alone made them the foundation of their decision-making process.

Without these clear compass headings, people drift through life like flotsam and jetsam on the winds and currents of the world.

Applying the Hapkido Creed to Construction

Working construction exposed me to this dynamic constantly.

I watched men who were incredibly skilled at their trades but seemed lost when it came to life direction.

They could build complex structures with precision and expertise, but they couldn’t articulate what they were building their lives toward.

They were masters of technique but had no strategy for living.

Some guys worked purely for the paycheck, with no sense of purpose beyond paying bills.

Others chased every overtime opportunity without considering what they were sacrificing to get it.

Many complained constantly about their circumstances but never took action to change them because they had no clear vision of what they wanted instead.

The guys who seemed most fulfilled—both on and off the job—were the ones who could tell you not just what they did, but why they did it and how it connected to something larger.

They might say: “I’m building these structures because I believe in creating something that will last, something that serves the community, something that my kids can point to with pride.”

Their work wasn’t just a job—it was an expression of their values.​

Applying Your Values On and Off the Mat

Training in martial arts provided another lens for understanding this principle.

On the mats, you quickly learn that technique without strategy leads to exhaustion and defeat.

You can know hundreds of moves, but if you don’t have a clear game plan—if you don’t know what you’re trying to accomplish—you’ll get dominated by people with fewer techniques but clearer objectives.

Life works the same way. Tactics without strategy lead to busy exhaustion. Skills without purpose lead to empty achievement.

The people who advance fastest in martial arts are those who develop what we call a “game”—a coherent approach based on their strengths, preferences, and objectives.

They know what they’re trying to achieve in each situation and how each technique serves their larger strategy.

The people who advance fastest in life have developed the same thing: a coherent approach based on their values, strengths, and objectives.

The Seven Pillars That Shaped My Life

Let me share how those seven principles from the dojang wall became the foundation of my decision-making process:

1. Courtesy This taught me that how I treat people matters more than what I accomplish. It guides how I communicate, negotiate, and build relationships. When facing difficult conversations or conflicts, I ask: “How can I handle this with courtesy while still standing firm on my principles?”

2. Integrity This means my private actions must align with my public values. It prevents me from cutting corners that would compromise my character. When tempted by shortcuts or questionable opportunities, I ask: “Would this decision maintain my integrity?”

3. Wisdom This drives my commitment to continuous learning and thoughtful decision-making. It reminds me to seek counsel, consider consequences, and learn from both successes and failures. Before major decisions, I ask: “What would the wisest version of myself do here?”

4. Perseverance This gives me permission to keep going when things get difficult. It reminds me that worthwhile achievements require sustained effort over time. When facing setbacks or obstacles, I ask: “How can I persevere while staying true to my other principles?”

5. Self-Control This governs my responses to emotions, impulses, and external pressures. It helps me make decisions based on strategy rather than reactivity. In heated moments, I ask: “What response demonstrates self-control while moving me toward my goals?”

6. Indomitable Spirit This fuels my willingness to take calculated risks and pursue ambitious goals. It reminds me that setbacks are temporary and that my spirit cannot be broken by external circumstances. During challenging periods, I ask: “How can I maintain my indomitable spirit while adapting my approach?”

7. Perfection of Character This reminds me that the goal isn’t to be perfect, but to continuously work toward becoming the best version of myself. It keeps me focused on growth rather than comparison. Each day, I ask: “What can I do today that moves me toward perfection of character?”

These seven principles became my True North. They guide every major decision and help me evaluate whether I’m living in alignment with what I claim to stand for.

The Cost of Drifting

When people don’t have clear principles guiding their lives, they pay enormous costs:

Decision Fatigue Without clear values, every decision becomes a complex calculation. People spend enormous mental energy on choices that should be automatic if they knew what they stood for.

Regret and Resentment People make decisions based on external pressures, immediate gratification, or others’ expectations. Later, they regret choices that don’t align with who they actually want to be.

Lack of Fulfillment Even when they achieve external success, people feel empty because their achievements don’t connect to anything meaningful. They’ve climbed ladders leaning against the wrong walls.

Inconsistent Behavior Without clear principles, people behave differently in different situations. This creates cognitive dissonance and erodes self-trust.

Vulnerability to Manipulation People without clear values are easily influenced by others’ agendas. They become reactive rather than proactive in their life choices.

The Framework for Finding Your True North

If you’ve never clearly defined what you stand for, here’s a framework to help you discover your Unique Personal Drivers:

Week 1: Values Archaeology

• Reflect on moments when you felt most fulfilled and energized. What values were you expressing?
• Think about times when you felt most frustrated or angry. What values were being violated?
• Consider the people you most admire. What qualities do they embody that resonate with you?
• Write down every value that emerges, without editing or judging.

Week 2: Clarification and Prioritization

• Group similar values together (e.g., honesty and integrity might be part of the same core value)
• Define each value in your own words. What does “integrity” mean to you specifically?
• Narrow your list to 5-7 core values that feel most essential to who you are
• Rank them in order of importance

Week 3: Application Testing

• For each value, write specific examples of what living that value looks like in daily life
• Identify current behaviors or commitments that contradict your stated values
• Look for patterns: Are there areas where you’re consistently out of alignment?
• Begin making small adjustments to align your actions with your values

Week 4: Integration and Commitment

• Create a personal creed or mission statement that captures your core values
• Establish daily or weekly practices that help you live these values consistently
• Set up regular check-ins to evaluate whether you’re living in alignment
• Share your values with trusted friends who can help hold you accountable

The Daily Practice of Principled Living

Having clear values is only the beginning.

The real work is in the daily practice of aligning your actions with your principles:

Morning Intention Start each day by reviewing your core values and setting intentions for how you’ll express them throughout the day.

Decision Filter Before making any significant decision, ask: “Which option best aligns with my core values?” Let your principles guide your choices.

Evening Reflection End each day by reflecting on how well you lived your values. Where did you succeed? Where did you fall short? What can you adjust tomorrow?

Weekly Review Regularly assess whether your major commitments, relationships, and activities are expressions of your values or distractions from them.

The Ripple Effect of Clear Purpose

When you clearly define what you stand for and consistently live those principles, several powerful things happen:

Decision-Making Becomes Easier You have a clear framework for evaluating options. Choices that align with your values feel natural; choices that contradict them feel obviously wrong.

Authenticity Increases You become the same person in every context because you’re guided by internal principles rather than external expectations.

Confidence Grows When your actions align with your values, you develop unshakeable self-trust. You know you can count on yourself to do the right thing.

Relationships Improve People are drawn to authenticity and consistency. When you know what you stand for, others know what to expect from you.

Fulfillment Increases Even during difficult periods, you have the satisfaction of knowing you’re living according to your principles. Your life becomes an expression of your deepest values.

Putting It On the Mat and In Life

Most people are living lives of quiet desperation because they’ve never clearly defined what they stand for.

They’re drifting through life without a compass, making decisions based on external pressures rather than internal principles.

Every day on that dojang wall, those seven principles reminded me who I wanted to be and how I wanted to live.

They became my True North, guiding every major decision and helping me evaluate whether I was living with integrity.

The specific principles don’t matter as much as having them.

Your Unique Personal Drivers might be completely different from the Hapkido Creed. What matters is that you identify them, define them clearly, and make them the foundation of your daily decision-making.

Be clear about what you stand for, not against. Make sure that each and every day you do something that fulfills your Unique Personal Drivers so that you can look back on your life with gratitude and not regret.

The seven words on that wall changed my life not because they were perfect or complete, but because they gave me something most people never have: a clear sense of what I stood for and how to live accordingly.

What do you stand for?

And more importantly, how are you living those principles today?

Your life is waiting for you to define it.

Your True North is waiting for you to discover it.

The only question is: Will you do the work to find it?

Because a life without clear principles isn’t really a life at all—it’s just existence. And you were meant for so much more than that.

P.S. Are you sicked and tired of being surrounded by losers, lemmings and Luddites leading lives of quiet desperation?

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