Surround Yourself With Success: The Marcus Aurelius Lesson I Missed for Years

As is my habit, I start the New Year with my annual re-exploration of Meditations by Marcus Aurelius.​

The great thing about revisiting great books regularly and learning new things from them is not that the book has changed and somehow shown you something new—it's that you've changed and can now take in something that was there the whole time, but you have evolved and can "see" it now.

For me this year, it was only Book 1 of Meditations! LOL.

Throughout my history of reading and re-reading the book, it seemed to have always started with Book 2, "On the River Gran, Among the Quadi," where the first sentence epitomized the 80/20 Rule:​

That quote always hit me hard—a reminder to expect the worst from most people and not be surprised when they deliver it.

It's the 80/20 principle applied to humanity:

But this year, I was enthralled by Book 1, "Debts and Lessons," and Marcus Aurelius's phenomenal list of the positive people and the impact they had on helping him become the great ruler and human being that he was—so much so that we still study him almost 2,000 years later.

How's that for a legacy!?!

Marcus listed 17 "sources"—people who helped educate, mentor, and hone him as a better person.

His gratitude and responsibility to these people was demonstrated through his 20 years as ruler, arguably the most powerful person on the planet.

He showed over and over that it wasn't about him, but about his citizens, the empire, and those other nations he had to deal with.

(Wouldn't it be nice if today's politicians, bureaucrats, and "leaders" read and practiced the lessons from Meditations?)

As I was re-reading this, I started making a mental list of the people in my life who are on my "Debts and Lessons" list.

And while I'm grateful for each and every one of them, my list doesn't add up to 17 (one "negative" of being a bookworm introvert—not getting out enough).

It made me realize that while I have much to be grateful for in my life, I wonder how much further I could go with more "Debts and Lessons" to add to my list?

And again, that's one of the things I'm grateful for about being part of a martial arts community.

I cannot think of a better group of people to reach out to and build my social circle.

For the most part, martial artists are long-term thinkers and doers. They know the benefits of delayed gratification.

They have a bias toward action.

They regularly challenge themselves where others would shun out of fear, discomfort, and looking foolish. They are journeyers of self-improvement.

So if anything is changing this year, it's to reach out to more 20%ers and see how much further I can go.

What about you?

The Power of Book 1: "Debts and Lessons"

For years, I skipped over Book 1 of Meditations.

It seemed like acknowledgments—the boring part at the beginning where authors thank people.

I wanted to get to the "real" philosophy in Book 2 and beyond.

But I was missing the foundation of everything Marcus Aurelius became.

Book 1 isn't just acknowledgments—it's a blueprint for becoming great by surrounding yourself with greatness.

It's Marcus's explicit recognition that he didn't become who he was in isolation.

He was shaped, molded, educated, and refined by the people he surrounded himself with.

What Marcus Aurelius Learned From His 17 Mentors

Marcus doesn't just name-drop his influences—he articulates specific lessons and qualities he learned from each person:

1. From his grandfather Verus: Decency and self-control
2. From his father (by reputation): Integrity and manliness
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3. From his mother: Piety, generosity, avoiding evil actions and thoughts, simplicity in living
4. From his great-grandfather: Not attending public schools, using good teachers at home, and spending money liberally for such purposes
5. From his governor: Endurance and self-sufficiency
6. From Diognetus: Not wasting time on trivial things, skepticism toward miracle workers and magicians
7. From Rusticus: The need for self-improvement and discipline of character, not being led astray by rhetoric
8. From Apollonius: Mental independence, rational consistency, to never leave reason behind
9. From Sextus: Kindness, the example of a household governed with paternal authority, living in accordance with nature
10. From Alexander the grammarian: Not being hyper-critical, not attacking people's grammar or word choice
11. From Fronto: Recognizing how vicious, deceptive, and hypocritical tyranny can be

And the list continues.

The pattern is unmistakable:

Marcus Aurelius deliberately surrounded himself with people who possessed qualities he wanted to develop.

Each person on his list represented a specific virtue, skill, or way of being that he absorbed through proximity and relationship.

This wasn't accidental.

This was intentional.

The Inverse Truth: You Become Who You Surround Yourself With

If Marcus Aurelius became one of history's greatest leaders by surrounding himself with wise, virtuous, skilled people, the inverse is also true:

You become mediocre, unhappy, and unsuccessful by surrounding yourself with mediocre, unhappy, unsuccessful people.

This is the 80/20 Rule applied to relationships:

The Mathematics of Social Influence

You've heard the saying:

It's a cliché because it's true, but it's actually more complex and more powerful than that simple statement.

The research backs this up:

• Your income tends to be the average of your five closest friends
• Your health habits mirror those of your social circle
• Your mindset—whether growth-oriented or fixed—is influenced by the people around you
• Your standards for what's acceptable, what's normal, what's possible are set by your peer group

But here's what most people miss:

It's not just about the five people you spend the most time with.

It's about who you allow access to your mind, your time, and your energy.

In the modern world, that includes:

• The people you live with
• The people you work with
• The people you socialize with
• The communities you're part of (online and offline)
• The content you consume (podcasts, books, social media)
• The voices in your head from past relationships that still influence you

You're constantly being shaped by these inputs, whether you realize it or not.

The Drain vs. The Gain

Most people's social circles are filled with drains, not gains.

Drains are people who:

• Complain constantly without taking action
• Pull you into drama and negativity
• Discourage your ambitions because they make them feel inadequate
• Celebrate your failures and resent your successes
• Keep you stuck in old patterns because your growth threatens their comfort
• Take your energy and give nothing back
• Lower your standards to their level

Gains are people who:

• Challenge you to be better
• Hold you accountable to your stated goals
• Model behaviors and mindsets you want to develop
• Celebrate your wins genuinely
• Give honest feedback even when it's uncomfortable
• Invest in you and expect nothing in return except your growth
• Raise your standards by their example

The brutal truth: Most people have their lives filled with drains and wonder why they feel exhausted and stuck.

My "Debts and Lessons" List (And Why It's Too Short)

As I read Marcus Aurelius's list, I started compiling my own.

Who are the people who genuinely shaped me for the better?

Who taught me specific lessons that made me more capable, more thoughtful, more effective?

My list doesn't hit 17.

That's not a humble brag or false modesty—it's a recognition that I haven't been intentional enough about surrounding myself with people who elevate me.

The people on my list:

From my wife Amy: Patience, emotional intelligence, the value of presence over productivity, that strength can be soft

From my martial arts instructors: Discipline, that discomfort is growth, the long game matters more than quick wins, humility in the face of continuous learning

From my construction mentors: That thinking saves more effort than doing, pride in craft, the value of doing things right the first time

From the authors I read: Not unlike Will Hunting from Good Will Hunting, learning from the great books, albeit it's a one-way conversation but still, better than nothing

My business mentors, Mike and Paul: The value of an entrepreneurial mindset over the employee mindset I was raised with and lived by

There are others, certainly.

But when I'm honest, my list is shorter than it should be for someone who wants to achieve what I want to achieve.

And that's the problem—and the opportunity.

The Introvert's Dilemma

One "negative" of being a bookworm introvert is not getting out enough.

I can learn from books, podcasts, courses, and solitary reflection.

I can absorb wisdom from dead philosophers and distant teachers.

But I can't develop the full range of human excellence without actual relationships with actual people who embody what I want to become.

Books teach me about virtue. But watching someone live it teaches me how to embody it.

Reading about discipline is different from training alongside someone who never misses a session.

Studying communication principles is different from engaging with someone who naturally makes everyone feel heard.

Marcus Aurelius didn't just read about the qualities he wanted—he surrounded himself with people who lived them.

That's the piece I've been missing.

Why Martial Arts Communities Are Goldmines for Your "Debts and Lessons" List

I cannot think of a better group of people to reach out to and build my social circle than martial artists. Here's why:

1. Martial Artists Are Long-Term Thinkers and Doers

You don't earn a black belt in six months. You don't develop mastery quickly. Martial arts self-select for people willing to invest years in incremental progress.

This means:

• They understand delayed gratification
• They value consistency over intensity
• They're playing the long game in everything they do
• They don't quit when results aren't immediate

Compare that to the 80%: People who want quick fixes, instant results, shortcuts, and hacks. People who jump from thing to thing, never developing depth. People who quit when it gets hard.

Who do you want in your social circle?

2. Martial Artists Have a Bias Toward Action

Martial arts can't be learned theoretically. You have to step on the mat. You have to spar. You have to get thrown, hit, submitted, and keep coming back.

This creates people who:

• Don't just talk about goals—they pursue them
• Don't wait for perfect conditions—they start where they are
• Don't theorize endlessly—they test and refine
• Don't let fear paralyze them—they act despite discomfort

Compare that to the 80%: People who endlessly plan but never execute. People who wait for the "right time" that never comes. People who talk a big game but never step up.

Who do you want in your social circle?

3. Martial Artists Regularly Challenge Themselves

Every time you step on the mat, you're putting yourself in a position to fail, look foolish, get dominated by someone better. Most people actively avoid this level of vulnerability.

Martial artists choose it voluntarily.

This creates people who:

• Aren't defined by failure—they expect it as part of growth
• Don't need to protect their ego—they've had it checked repeatedly
• Aren't afraid to be beginners—they've been the worst person in the room many times
• Know that discomfort is temporary but growth is permanent

Compare that to the 80%: People who avoid anything that might make them look bad. People who stay in their comfort zones and call it "being smart." People who never develop new skills because they can't tolerate being a beginner.

Who do you want in your social circle?

4. Martial Artists Are Journeyers of Self-Improvement

Martial arts is fundamentally about self-mastery. Yes, you learn to fight, defend yourself, compete. But the deeper purpose is always about becoming better than you were yesterday.

This creates people who:

• Take responsibility for their development
• Seek out feedback and coaching
• Are never "done" learning
• Apply the principles of martial arts to all areas of life

Compare that to the 80%: People who blame circumstances, other people, bad luck for their situation. People who resist feedback because it threatens their self-image. People who think they already know enough.

Who do you want in your social circle?

The Question That Changes Everything

After re-reading Marcus Aurelius' "Debts and Lessons" and compiling my own shorter list, one question emerged that I can't shake:

How much further could I go with more mentors, more influences, more people pulling me up?

I've achieved things I'm proud of. I've built skills, relationships, a life I value.

But I did it with a limited "Debts and Lessons" list.

What becomes possible if I intentionally expand that list?

What if instead of learning from 5-7 people, I learned from 17 like Marcus Aurelius? Or 25? Or 50?

What if instead of accidentally absorbing influence from whoever happens to be around, I deliberately sought out the 20%ers who embody what I want to become?

What if instead of being a bookworm introvert who learns mostly from dead philosophers, I actively built relationships with living exemplars of excellence?

The gap between where I am and where I could be might not be about more hustle, more discipline, or more knowledge.

It might be about who I'm surrounding myself with.

The 2026 Commitment: Reaching Out to More 20%ers

So if anything is changing this year, it's this: I'm reaching out to more 20%ers and seeing how much further I can go.

That means:

1. Identifying the Qualities I Want to Develop

Just like Marcus Aurelius didn't randomly collect mentors—he sought out people who embodied specific virtues he wanted—I need clarity on what I'm trying to develop.

My current focus:

• Better communication and connection skills
• Deeper strategic thinking
• More effective leadership
• Greater ability to build and maintain relationships
• Increased capacity for presence and stillness
• Enhanced creativity and expression

2. Identifying People Who Embody Those Qualities

Who in my existing circles demonstrates these qualities at a level I aspire to?

Who in the martial arts community embodies what I'm trying to develop?

Who in my professional world has mastered what I'm working on?

Who in my personal life models the kind of relationships I want to create?

Then: reaching out, asking questions, spending time, learning deliberately.

3. Adding to My "Debts and Lessons" List Intentionally

Instead of waiting for mentors to appear, I'm actively seeking them out.

Instead of passively absorbing influence, I'm deliberately choosing who influences me.

Instead of settling for a social circle built by proximity and convenience, I'm building one based on aspiration and growth.

The goal isn't to replace existing relationships—it's to add relationships that pull me up.

4. Being Someone Worth Having on Others' Lists

Here's the other side of the equation:

If I want to surround myself with 20%ers, I need to be someone 20%ers want to be around.

That means:

• Being someone who adds value, not just extracts it
• Being someone who shows up consistently
• Being someone who lives the principles I espouse
• Being someone who makes others better by proximity

Marcus Aurelius didn't just learn from his 17 mentors—he became someone worthy of their investment. His gratitude was expressed not just in words but in how he lived his life as emperor.

If I want great people in my life, I need to be worth their time.

The 80/20 Rule Applied to Relationships

Here's the brutal math:

• 80% of people will drag you down to their level.
  ​20% of people will pull you up to theirs.
• 80% of your social interactions will drain your energy.
  ​20% will energize and inspire you.
• 80% of your relationships will keep you stuck.
  ​20% will help you grow.

Most people spend 80% of their time with the 80% and wonder why life is hard.

The successful, happy, fulfilled people spend 80% of their time with the 20%.

It's not about being elitist or thinking you're better than others.

It's about recognizing that you become who you surround yourself with, and if you want to become exceptional, you need to surround yourself with exceptional people.

The Martial Arts Advantage

I am grateful for being part of a martial arts community because it's already a filter that selects for 20%ers.

Not everyone who walks into a dojo stays.

Most quit within the first few months.

The ones who remain have already demonstrated:

• Long-term thinking
• Delayed gratification
• Bias toward action
• Willingness to be uncomfortable
• Commitment to self-improvement

This means the martial arts community is already populated with people more likely to be on the 20% side of the equation.

All I have to do is reach out, build relationships, and learn.

Your Turn: Who's on Your "Debts and Lessons" List?

As you read this, I want you to do what I did while reading Marcus Aurelius:

Make a list of the people who have genuinely shaped you for the better.

Not people you like.

Not people you spend time with.

But people who taught you specific lessons, modeled specific qualities, or helped you develop in specific ways.

How long is your list?

If it's shorter than you'd like (like mine), ask yourself:

How much further could I go with more mentors, more influences, more people pulling me up?

Then ask:

• Who are the 20%ers in my existing circles that I could reach out to?
• What qualities do I want to develop, and who embodies them?
• What communities (like martial arts) self-select for people who embody what I'm trying to become?
• How can I deliberately build my social circle instead of letting it form by accident?

Conclusion: The Legacy Question

Marcus Aurelius lived almost 2,000 years ago. We still read his words. We still study his life. We still learn from his example.

Why?

Not because he was born exceptional. But because he surrounded himself with exceptional people and absorbed what they had to offer.

He wasn't ashamed to admit his debts. He led Book 1 of Meditations with gratitude for the 17 people who shaped him.

His legacy exists because he was willing to be shaped by others.

What about you?

What about me?

If we want to create something meaningful, become someone exceptional, live a life worth studying, we can't do it alone.

We need our own "Debts and Lessons" list.

We need to surround ourselves with people who pull us up, not drag us down.

We need to spend 80% of our time with the 20% who make us better.

So if anything is changing this year, it's to reach out to more 20%ers and see how much further I can go.

What about you?