I'm Not Going to Reason You Out of a Position You Didn't Reason Yourself Into

When to walk away, when to de-escalate, and when to shut your mouth and save your sanity.

The other morning at Alana's Coffee, I found myself in a situation I haven't dealt with in years.

A situation that reminded me why saner heads need to prevail.

Why picking your battles matters.

And why some fights aren't worth having—even when you're "right."

I was sitting there, working on my computer, when I heard a commotion at the counter.

A couple of the baristas were telling a customer he wouldn't be served and needed to leave.

The guy wasn't having it.

As the encounter escalated, I noticed one of my cafe buddies—bigger, stronger, younger than me, with combat sports experience—position himself between the 86'd guy and the front door.

Now, this buddy could've certainly handled the guy but he recently had knee surgery. He's in the middle of PT recovery.

I got up. Not because I thought the staff or my buddy was in danger. Not even because I thought the 86'd guy was a real threat.

But I was concerned for my buddy's knee.

Then my buddy did the "wrong" thing.

He grabbed the guy and tried to manhandle him out the door.

The 86'd customer grabbed the partition separating the espresso machine from the public area.

I thought: Damn. In for a penny, in for a pound.

I grabbed the guy's hand and peeled it off the partition so my buddy could "assist" him outside.

We presented a barrier at the door to keep him from coming back in.

The guy smelled of alcohol. At 10 a.m.

Maybe off his meds, too.

He wanted to know why he couldn't buy a drink.

Stuck in a loop. Repeating the same question over and over.

My buddy explained: "They reserve the right to refuse service."

My buddy reiterated it. Firm. Direct.

But the guy wasn't hearing it, he couldn't hear it.

Early in the confrontation, I realized something important: he wasn't noticeably "dangerous."

His pants were hanging off his ass (seriously, why do young men do that?). No holster. No scabbard. No weapon I could see.

Just a guy who was irrational, stuck in his emotions, and lacking basic impulse control.​

I also realized my buddy—well-meaning as he was—was responding emotionally too.

Protecting his friends. Defending the establishment. Playing the hero.

Noble intentions.

But not helpful in that moment.

So I shifted gears.

I stopped engaging rationally with an irrational person.

I did my best to de-escalate the situation.

I used softer body language.

I didn't argue.

I let him vent his loop until he ran out of steam and wandered off from the front entrance.

The whole thing ended quietly.

No cops. No injuries. No viral video.

Just a few minutes of discomfort and then back to coffee and my computer.

Afterward, I kept thinking about one phrase I'd heard recently:

That phrase is everything for keeping your sanity.

It's the key to not wasting your time, energy, and mental bandwidth on conversations that go nowhere.

It's the key to recognizing when someone isn't operating from logic, critical thinking, or rationality—and choosing not to engage on those terms.

It's the key to protecting your peace and your standards when the world around you is losing its mind.

The Problem: You're Trying to Win Arguments With People Who Aren't Playing by the Same Rules

Here's what most people do when confronted with someone who is irrational, emotional and/or rooted in being right instead of educated:

• They argue
• They explain
• They present facts, logic, evidence
• They try to "win" the conversation

And they get frustrated, exhausted, and angry when the other person doesn't budge.

Here's what they don't realize:

You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into.

If someone arrived at their belief through emotion, identity, social pressure, or sheer stubbornness—logic won't move them.

If someone is drunk, high, or mentally unstable—rational conversation won't work.

If someone is venting, not problem-solving—your solutions will fall on deaf ears.

But you keep trying.

You keep engaging.

You keep thinking, If I just explain it better, they'll get it.

They won't.

And you're wasting your life arguing with people who will never change their minds.

The Cost: Frustration, Aggravation, and the Slow Drain of Your Finite Time and Energy

Let's talk about what this costs you.

Every time you engage in a stupid conversation with someone who's not thinking straight, you lose:

Time You'll Never Get Back

That 20-minute argument? Gone.

That hour-long back-and-forth on social media? Wasted.

That evening ruined because you got pulled into someone else's drama? Lost forever.

You have maybe 4,000 weeks on this planet if you're lucky.

How many are you willing to burn on people who aren't even listening?

Mental and Emotional Energy

Every irrational argument drains you.

You leave frustrated. Angry. Questioning your sanity.

You replay it in your head. You think of better responses. You stew.

That energy could have gone toward your goals, your family, your growth.

Instead, it went to someone who won't remember the conversation tomorrow.

Your Standards and Self-Respect

When you engage with irrational people on their terms, you lower yourself.

You get pulled into the mud.

You start arguing at their level.

You become reactive instead of proactive.

You stop being the person you want to be and become the person they're forcing you to be.

And here's the brutal part: they don't care.

They'll walk away and do it again tomorrow with someone else.

But you? You have to live with the version of yourself you became in that moment.

The Distinction: Rational Discussions vs. Emotional Diatribes

Not all conversations are worth having.

Not all disagreements are debates.

There's a clean line between:

Rational discussions – where both parties are operating from logic, evidence, and a shared desire to find truth or solve a problem.

And emotional diatribes – where one or both parties are venting, defending their ego, or stuck in a loop of feelings.

Rational discussions are productive.

They move things forward.

They create clarity, solutions, mutual understanding.

Emotional diatribes are theater.

They go in circles.

They create heat, not light.

They're about being heard, being right, or releasing pent-up frustration—not about solving anything.

The mistake most people make is treating emotional diatribes like rational discussions.

They bring facts to a feelings fight.

They try to logic someone out of an emotional state.

It doesn't work.

And it never will.

The Framework: How to Recognize and Handle Irrational Conversations

Here's the playbook for not wasting your life arguing with 80%ers who don't apply critical thinking skills.

Step 1: Recognize the Signs of an Irrational Conversation

Before you engage, ask yourself:

• Is this person calm or emotionally activated?
• Are they listening or just waiting to talk?
• Are they asking questions or repeating statements?
• Are they open to new information or defending a position?
• Are they sober, clear-headed, and mentally stable?

If the answer to any of those is "no," you're not in a rational discussion.

You're in an emotional diatribe.

Adjust accordingly.

Step 2: Decide If It's Worth Engaging At All

Not every conversation deserves your participation.

Ask yourself:

• Does this conversation move me toward my goals?
• Does this person have the power to impact my life in a meaningful way?
• Is there a productive outcome possible here?
• Am I engaging because it matters, or because my ego is activated?

If the answer is "no" to all of those, walk away.

Don't explain. Don't justify. Don't argue.

Just disengage.

Step 3: De-escalate Instead of Debate

If you have to engage (because of the situation, relationship, or context), your goal isn't to win.

Your goal is to de-escalate and move on.

Here's how:

• Lower your intensity. Softer voice. Calmer body language. Less eye contact.
• Acknowledge without agreeing. "I hear you." "That sounds frustrating." "I understand you feel that way."
• Don't refute. Don't argue. Don't present counter-evidence. It won't help.
• Set a boundary. "I'm not going to continue this conversation right now." Then walk away.

Remember: you're not trying to change their mind.

You're trying to end the interaction without escalating.

Step 4: Protect Your Energy and Standards

After the interaction, do not replay it endlessly.

Do not stew.

Do not let it ruin your day.

Recognize it for what it was: a moment where someone else lost control, and you didn't.

That's a win.

You didn't get pulled into the mud.

You didn't become someone you're not proud of.

You held your standards.

That's what personal leadership looks like.

Step 5: Learn and Apply

Every irrational conversation is data.

• What triggered you?
• What could you have done differently?
• What's the pattern here?

Use it to get better at recognizing and handling these situations in the future.

Don't waste the lesson.

Proof Through Life: The Coffee Shop Lesson

Back to Alana's.

When I grabbed the 86'd guy's hand off the partition, I wasn't trying to "win."

I wasn't trying to teach him a lesson or prove a point.

I was trying to end the situation safely and quickly.

When I shifted to de-escalation, I stopped seeing him as an opponent and started seeing him as a guy who was out of control.

Not dangerous. Just irrational.

And I stopped trying to reason with him.

I stopped expecting him to "get it."

I let him vent his loop until he burned out and left.

My buddy learned something too.

Afterward, we talked.

He realized his emotional response—noble as it was—wasn't the best move.

Grabbing the guy escalated things.

It put both of them at risk.

Next time, he'll de-escalate first.

That's growth.

That's learning from the mat and applying it to life.

The Excuses You're Telling Yourself

"That's too hard. I can't just walk away when someone's being irrational."

Yes, you can.

Walking away isn't weakness. It's wisdom.

It's choosing not to waste your finite time and energy on people who won't change.

"I have a right to respond in the same way I'm being dealt with."

You have the right. Sure.

But do you have the wisdom?

Responding emotionally to someone else's emotional dysfunction doesn't make you right.

It makes you just as irrational as they are.

"But they were wrong. I can't just let them be wrong."

Why not?

Seriously. Why not?

Does their wrongness impact your life in a meaningful way?

Does correcting them move you toward your goals?

Or are you just defending your ego?

Let them be wrong.

It costs you nothing.

The Challenge: Put It on the Mat

Here's your 72-hour challenge:

The next time someone tries to pull you into an irrational conversation, don't engage.

Recognize the signs.

Decide it's not worth it.

De-escalate or walk away.

Then notice:

• How much energy you saved.
• How much frustration you avoided.
• How much better you feel about yourself for not getting pulled into the mud.

This isn't about being passive.

It's about being selective with where you spend your time, energy, and attention.

It's about recognizing that personal leadership doesn't happen when everything is going well.

It happens when the shit hits the fan and you still keep your cool, live by your values, and refuse to get pulled down.

The Standard

It's not about them.

It's about you.

It's about what kind of person you want to be.

Do you want to be someone who gets dragged into every stupid conversation?

Someone who argues with drunks, trolls, and people who aren't thinking straight?

Someone who sacrifices their peace, their time, and their standards because someone else lost control?

Or do you want to be someone who recognizes irrational conversations for what they are—and chooses not to participate?

Someone who de-escalates instead of debates?

Someone who protects their energy and their sanity?

The choice is yours.

But here's the truth:

You cannot reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into.

The sooner you accept that, the sooner you stop wasting your life arguing with people who will never change their minds.

And the sooner you start living by your standards instead of reacting to theirs.

Reply with the standard.

What's one conversation you're going to walk away from this week?