Why Empathy Is the Most Underrated Leadership Trait (And How Hurt Leaders Hurt Everyone)

Hurt people hurt people.
Healed people heal people.
Which one are you?

You may have heard the meme:

I saw it all the time on the construction site.

Journeymen and foremen who were treated like shit as apprentices—who endured toxic work culture, verbal abuse, and callousness—would turn around and treat those under their supervision the exact same way.

Not knowing how to process their own pain. Not knowing how to heal.

So they just continued the cycle. Inflicting the same toxicity they’d endured.

I remember being a first-year apprentice. Being called “whale shit”—because nothing was lower.

I remember the foremen who yelled, belittled, and humiliated. Who treated mistakes like moral failures. Who made the jobsite a place of fear instead of learning.

And I watched some of those apprentices grow up to become the same kind of foremen.

Not because they were bad people. But because they never healed from their pain.

So they passed it on.

I saw it on the mat too, though not as often. Most gyms don’t tolerate that kind of behavior. But I’ve been to “Cobra Kai” schools. Not for long.

Because I learned early: Hurt leaders hurt everyone around them.

And if you want to be a leader worth following, you have to heal your pain first.

The Problem With Unhealed Leaders

Here’s what happens when you lead from a place of unhealed pain:

1. You impose your wounds on others.

You don’t mean to. But you do.

You’re harsh because you were treated harshly. You’re critical because you were criticized. You’re controlling because you felt powerless.

Your pain becomes their pain.

2. You create a toxic culture.

Whether it’s a jobsite, a team, a family, or a community—unhealed leaders create environments of fear, resentment, and dysfunction.

People don’t thrive. They survive.

3. You perpetuate the cycle.

The people you hurt will either leave or become like you. They’ll carry the same wounds. They’ll inflict the same pain.

And the cycle continues.

4. You never reach your potential.

Because you’re operating from a place of pain, not purpose. From fear, not vision. From reaction, not intention.

You can’t lead effectively when you’re still bleeding.

5. You lose the people who matter.

The best people—the ones with options, with talent, with integrity—won’t stay in a toxic environment.

They’ll leave. And you’ll be left with people who either can’t leave or who’ve accepted the toxicity as normal.

Why Empathy Is the Most Underrated Leadership Trait

​There's this great scene on The West Wing, where Josh messes up because he's suffering from PTSD. His boss, mentor, friend, Leo supports him with empathy and understanding, not harshness.

Empathy isn’t soft. It’s not weakness. It’s not about being nice or avoiding hard conversations.

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person.

It’s seeing someone struggling and recognizing:

And instead of judging them, dismissing them, or punishing them—you help them.

That’s empathy. And it’s the most underrated leadership trait.

Here’s why:

1. Empathy builds trust.

When people feel seen, heard, and understood, they trust you. They know you’re not just using them. You actually care.

And trust is the foundation of every effective team.

2. Empathy creates psychological safety.

When people know they won’t be punished for mistakes, for asking questions, for being human—they take risks. They innovate. They grow.

Empathy creates the environment where people do their best work.

3. Empathy breaks the cycle.

When you lead with empathy, you don’t pass on your pain. You absorb it. You heal it. You stop it from spreading.

You become the person who breaks the cycle instead of perpetuating it.

4. Empathy makes you a better decision-maker.

When you understand how your decisions affect people—not just in theory, but in reality—you make better decisions.

You consider the human cost, not just the bottom line.

5. Empathy attracts the best people.

The best people want to work for leaders who see them as human beings, not just resources.

Empathy is what separates leaders people want to follow from leaders people have to follow.

But Empathy Requires Healing First

Here’s the hard truth:

You can’t lead with empathy if you’re still bleeding from your own wounds.

Because unhealed pain distorts your perception. It makes you see threats where there are none. It makes you react instead of respond.

You can’t give what you don’t have.

So if you want to be a leader worth following, you have to do the hard work of healing.

And that’s not easy.

The Framework: How to Heal So You Can Lead

Here’s how you do it:

Step 1: Look yourself in the mirror (warts and all).

This is the hardest step. Because it requires brutal honesty.

You have to see yourself for who you are. Not who you pretend to be. Not who you wish you were.

Who you actually are.

The good. The bad. The ugly. The wounds. The patterns. The pain.

You have to own it.

Not justify it. Not excuse it. Not blame others for it.

Own it.

Step 2: See yourself for who you want to be.

Once you’ve faced who you are, you need a vision of who you want to become.

Not perfect. Not flawless. But better.

What kind of leader do you want to be? What kind of person do you want to be?

Write it down. Get specific. Make it real.

Step 3: Do the daily work of building toward that.

Healing isn’t a one-time event. It’s a process. A practice. A daily commitment.

You have to do the work.

That might mean therapy. It might mean journaling. It might mean meditation. It might mean reading books that challenge and change you.

It might mean all of the above.

But you have to show up. Every day. And do the work.

Step 4: Seek help if you need it.

You don’t have to do this alone. In fact, you probably can’t.

Get a therapist. Find a mentor. Join a group. Read books.

There’s no shame in asking for help. The shame is in refusing to get help and continuing to hurt people because of it.

Step 5: Practice empathy deliberately.

Empathy is a skill. You can develop it.

When someone makes a mistake, pause. Ask: What might they be going through? What might have led to this?

When someone struggles, pause. Ask: Have I ever struggled with something similar? How did I feel? What did I need?

Then respond from that place of understanding instead of judgment.

Step 6: Break the cycle.

When you catch yourself repeating the patterns that hurt you, stop.

Recognize it. Name it. Choose differently.

“I was treated this way. It hurt. I’m not going to do that to someone else.”

That’s how you break the cycle.

The Books That Helped Me Heal

I didn’t figure this out on my own. I had help. From mentors. From teachers. From books.

Here are three that changed my life:

1. Awaken the Giant Within by Tony Robbins

This was one of my first. It taught me that I had the power to change my life. That I wasn’t a victim of my circumstances. That I could take control.

It gave me agency.

2. Learned Optimism by Dr. Martin Seligman

This taught me that my explanatory style—how I interpret events—shapes my reality. That I could learn to see setbacks as temporary, specific, and changeable instead of permanent, pervasive, and unchangeable.

It gave me resilience.

3. Living a Life That Matters by Rabbi Harold Kushner

This taught me that meaning comes from how we treat people. From the impact we have. From the legacy we leave.

It gave me purpose.

These books helped me heal from my pain. They helped me find a way to live a life that brought me joy and purpose.

And in that way, I was able to be a better husband, leader, teacher, and man.

Hopefully, they can help you too.

What I Learned From My Yoga Mentor

Years ago, my yoga mentor, Aadil Palkhivala told me something that stuck:

At first, it sounded harsh. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized the wisdom.

You can’t help people from a place of lack. You have to help them from a place of abundance.

The same applies to hurt people.

The best way to help hurt people is by not being one of them.

Not by avoiding them. Not by judging them. But by healing yourself so you don’t perpetuate the cycle.

By freeing yourself from the pain of being hurt so you can help others do the same.

It’s the only way we heal ourselves, one another, and this planet.

By stopping the cycle of hurting ourselves and one another.

What This Looked Like in My Leadership

When I became a foreman, I made a choice.

I wasn’t going to be the foreman who yelled, belittled, and humiliated. I wasn’t going to treat my crew the way I’d been treated.

I was going to break the cycle.

So when someone made a mistake, I didn’t scream. I asked: What happened? What can we learn from this? How do we fix it?

When someone struggled, I didn’t mock them. I asked: What do you need? How can I help?

I led with empathy.

Not because I was soft. But because I’d been on the other side. I knew what it felt like to be treated like shit. And I refused to do that to someone else.

And you know what happened?

My crews worked harder. They stayed longer. They respected me more.

Not because I was easy on them. But because I treated them like human beings.

That’s the power of empathy.

The Truth About Leadership

You can’t be a true leader worth following if you’re still bleeding from your own wounds.

Not because you need to be perfect. But because you need to be healing.

People don’t follow perfect leaders. They follow human leaders who are working toward being better.

Who show, by example, the way forward.

So if you aspire on any level to be a leader—of yourself, if no one else—then learn to heal from your pain.

Seek help if you need it. Read good books. Do the work.

Because hurt people hurt people. And healed people heal people.

Which one are you going to be?

The Challenge

Here’s what I want you to do this week:

Identify one wound you’re still carrying.

Maybe it’s from childhood. Maybe it’s from a past job. Maybe it’s from a relationship.

Then ask: How is this wound affecting how I lead? How I treat people? How I show up?

Be honest. Be specific.

Then commit to one action toward healing.

Maybe it’s scheduling a therapy session. Maybe it’s reading one of the books I mentioned. Maybe it’s journaling about it. Maybe it’s having a conversation with someone you trust.

Just one action. This week.

Because healing doesn’t happen all at once. It happens one step at a time.

The Final Word

Empathy is the most underrated leadership trait.

Not because it’s soft. But because it’s hard.

It requires you to heal your own pain first. To face your wounds. To do the work.

But when you do, you become a leader worth following.

Not because you’re perfect. But because you’re human. And you’re working toward being better.

And by example, you show those under your care the way.

Hurt people hurt people. Healed people heal people.

Which one will you be?