The Power of Identity: How Your Words Shape Your Energy and Your Life

One thing that I would see over and over again on the mat and on the construction jobsite is the power of words.

Really!

It was amazing to see someone either block themselves completely from being able to do something because of what they thought and said, and others who were the exact opposite—they were gung-ho about trying the craziest fucking shit and they would blow us all away by doing it!

Then there were the middle majority (the 60% of the bell curve) who, when offered a way to think, talk, and approach the challenge differently, may or may not hesitantly try with mixed results.

But sometimes, for some, they would try it and achieve it, and the smile on their face was what made being a teacher, a foreman, and a leader worth it—helping them to see themselves bigger and better than they see themselves and helping them to get there.

Be very careful of the language you use because it has much more power than we give it.

There's that saying, "The pen is mightier than the sword," because its impact is so much bigger than the 1:1 conflict that occurs with the sword.

And worse, it happens constantly in our heads and in our daily conversations.

The other day in the cafe, I heard two women chatting (even over my Samsung noise-cancelling earbuds—I guess I might need to get headphones, lol).

They were sitting directly in my field of vision over the top of my laptop, and when one woman said, "I'm overwhelmed!" I could see her somatically "deflate."

That is the power of words and the identities that we hold ourselves to.

I'm not denying that she probably does have a lot on her plate.

Most of us in this hyper-connected, need-it-now, 2-day delivery society are overwhelmed. But there is an important but subtle difference between "I'm overwhelmed!" and "I'm feeling overwhelmed."

One is an identity.

The other is the acknowledgement of a data point—too many plates being spun right now.

The whole set-up sets you up to either feel disempowered or to begin seeing a solution and a way out (which plates can I let go, which of them do I need to stay focused on?).

One reason why I advise my clients to begin a daily or weekly journaling process is because it helps you to get out of your head and to put down what's in your head on paper so that you can reflect on it, to see if it serves you or not and what you can or cannot do about it.

I was chatting with my buddy the other day—he loves watching the news and seeing the world go down in flames (and believe me, it doesn't matter which party is in charge).

​He told me the "sky is falling" again, and I asked him if it was in his Circles of Control or Influence? And if not, why is he wasting his time on it? His response: "to stay informed." And I asked, to do what? He didn't have a response.

Now I get it. There are a lot of issues going on in the world that need long-term thinking, planning, and action.

And you need to be informed to do something about them over the long-term—that is nothing new.

But there is a big difference in that outside circle beyond the Circle of Influence. It can either be a Circle of Interest or a Circle of Concern, and one is empowering and the other one is not.

One of your most valuable resources, after time, is energy.

And you can either use that energy on stuff that empowers you (thereby growing your Circles of Control and Influence) or on stuff that saps your energy that you then need to invest time to replenish.

I'm not saying to not be informed, but to make sure you inform yourself so that you can use your control and influence to create positive change.

And be very careful of the thoughts, words, and actions you take towards that.

The Three Forms of Energy That Power Everything You Do

Every action you take, every goal you pursue, every change you want to make requires energy. But not all energy is the same.

There are three forms of energy that either give power to everything you do or take it away:

1. Mental Energy (Your Thoughts)

What it is: The internal narrative running in your head constantly.

How it shows up:

• The thoughts you think about yourself
• The interpretations you give to events
• The stories you tell yourself about what's possible
• The beliefs you hold about your capabilities

Examples:

• "I'm not good enough" vs. "I'm learning and improving"
• "This is impossible" vs. "This is challenging"
• "I always fail" vs. "I've failed before and learned from it"
• "I'm overwhelmed" vs. "I'm feeling overwhelmed right now"

The impact:

• Your thoughts determine what you believe is possible
• Your beliefs determine what you'll attempt
• What you attempt determines what you achieve
• What you achieve reinforces your thoughts

It's a loop—and it starts with your thoughts.

2. Verbal Energy (Your Words)

What it is: The language you use when speaking to yourself and others.

How it shows up:

• How you describe yourself
• How you talk about your challenges
• How you frame your goals
• How you respond when asked "How are you?"

Examples:

• "I'm terrible at this" vs. "I'm still learning this"
• "I can't" vs. "I haven't yet"
• "I'm overwhelmed" vs. "I have a lot going on right now"
• "I'm just a [label]" vs. "I'm working on becoming [aspiration]"

The impact:

• Words shape your identity
• Your identity shapes your actions
• Your actions shape your results
• Your results reinforce your words

When you say "I'm overwhelmed," you become overwhelmed. When you say "I'm feeling overwhelmed right now," you create space for solutions.

3. Physical Energy (Your Actions)

What it is: The actual behaviors, movements, and activities you engage in.

How it shows up:

• Your body language and posture
• Your daily habits and routines
• The effort you put into tasks
• Where you invest your time and attention

Examples:

• Slouching vs. standing tall
• Scrolling social media vs. working on your goal
• Complaining vs. problem-solving
• Consuming vs. creating

The impact:

• Your actions either build energy or deplete it
• Productive action creates momentum
• Avoidance creates resistance
• Your body influences your mind (stand tall and you feel more confident; slouch and you feel defeated)

These three forms of energy feed each other—positively or negatively.

The Identity Trap: "I Am" vs. "I Feel"

The Cafe Observation

When I saw that woman in the cafe say "I'm overwhelmed" and literally deflate, I witnessed the power of identity language in real-time.

"I'm overwhelmed" is identity language.

• It defines who you are
• It's totalizing—you ARE this thing
• It leaves no room for change
• It's disempowering

"I'm feeling overwhelmed" is data language.

• It describes a current state
• It's temporary—you FEEL this way right now
• It leaves room for the feeling to change
• It's empowering because it implies you can do something about it

The difference is subtle but massive.

Common Identity Traps

Notice how often we use identity language:

Negative identity statements:

• "I'm overwhelmed"
• "I'm terrible at math"
• "I'm not a morning person"
• "I'm just not creative"
• "I'm bad with money"
• "I'm an anxious person"
• "I'm lazy"

What these do:

• Lock you into a fixed identity
• Make change seem impossible
• Give you an excuse not to try
• Become self-fulfilling prophecies

Reframed as data/state language:

• "I'm feeling overwhelmed right now"
• "I haven't learned math well yet"
• "I struggle with mornings currently"
• "I haven't developed my creativity yet"
• "I'm still learning financial skills"
• "I'm experiencing anxiety right now"
• "I'm not taking action on this right now"

What these do:

• Acknowledge current reality without fixing it permanently
• Create space for change
• Remove the excuse
• Open the door to growth

The Power of "Yet"

One of the most powerful words you can add to your vocabulary is "yet."

"I can't do this" → "I can't do this yet"

That one word transforms:

• Fixed mindset → Growth mindset
• Impossibility → Possibility
• Defeat → Temporary challenge
• Identity → Current state

I saw this constantly on the mat:

The student who said "I can't do this technique" would struggle indefinitely. They'd made it part of their identity that they couldn't do it.

The student who said "I can't do this technique yet" would keep practicing and eventually get it. They understood it was a current limitation, not a permanent identity.

The smile on their face when they finally got it—that's why I teach.

The Three Types of People: How They Respond to Challenge

On the mat and on the jobsite, I saw people fall into three categories when faced with a challenge:

1. The Blockers (20%)

Their language:

• "I can't do that"
• "That's impossible"
• "I'm not strong/flexible/smart enough"
• "That's just not who I am"

Their thoughts:

• Fixed identity: "I am incapable"
• Focused on limitations
• Interpret challenges as evidence of inadequacy
• Compare themselves to others to confirm their inadequacy

Their actions:

• Don't try, or give up immediately
• Avoid challenges
• Stay in comfort zone
• Reinforce their limiting beliefs through inaction

The result:

• They prove themselves right—they can't do it because they never really try
• Their identity becomes stronger: "See, I told you I couldn't do it"
• They stay stuck

What they need: Permission to reframe their identity and try without the pressure of immediate success.

2. The Gung-Ho (20%)

Their language:

• "Let me try that!"
• "That looks fun"
• "I want to learn that"
• "I'll figure it out"

Their thoughts:

• Growth identity: "I can learn anything"
• Focused on possibility
• Interpret challenges as opportunities
• Compare themselves to their past self to measure progress

Their actions:

• Jump in immediately
• Willing to look foolish
• Persistent through failure
• Learn quickly through repetition

The result:

• They often succeed because they're not afraid to fail
• They blow everyone away with what they can do
• Their identity becomes stronger: "I can do hard things"
• They keep growing

What they need: Guidance to channel their enthusiasm effectively and avoid injury from recklessness.

3. The Middle Majority (60%)

Their language:

• "I don't know if I can do that"
• "Maybe I'll try"
• "I'm not sure"
• "What if I fail?"

Their thoughts:

• Conditional identity: "I might be capable, but I'm not sure"
• Focused on both possibility and limitation
• Interpret challenges as uncertain
• Compare themselves to others and feel inadequate, but compare to past self and see some progress

Their actions:

• Hesitant to try
• Need encouragement
• Try with reservation
• Give up easily if it doesn't work quickly

The result:

• Mixed—sometimes they succeed, sometimes they give up
• When they succeed (especially after being coached on their language and mindset), the smile on their face is incredible
• When they give up, they reinforce limiting beliefs

What they need: A reframe in how they think and talk about the challenge, and support to keep trying.

This is where coaching and leadership matter most.

The Coaching Moment

When I saw a student or worker stuck in the middle, I'd offer a reframe:

Instead of: "I can't do this"
​Try: "I can't do this yet, but I'm working on it"

Instead of: "This is too hard"
​Try: "This is challenging, and I'm figuring it out"

Instead of: "I'm not strong enough"
​Try: "I'm building the strength I need"

Instead of: "What if I fail?"
​Try: "What if I learn something?"

Sometimes they'd hesitantly try. Sometimes they'd achieve it.

And that smile—that moment when they realized they were more capable than they thought—that's what made being a teacher, a foreman, and a leader worth it for me.

The Circles: Control, Influence, Interest, and Concern

My buddy who loves watching the news and seeing the world go down in flames asked me the other day about the latest crisis. I asked him: "Is it in your Circle of Control or Influence?"

He said no.

I asked: "Then why are you wasting your time and energy on it?"

He said: "To stay informed."

I asked: "Informed to do what?"

He didn't have a response.

The Four Circles

​Stephen Covey introduced the concept of Circle of Concern vs. Circle of Influence vs. Circle of Control.

I'm adding a fourth: Circle of Interest.

1. Circle of Control

What it is: Things you have direct control over.

Examples:

• Your thoughts, words, and actions
• Your habits and routines
• Your responses to events
• How you spend your time
• What you consume (food, media, information)
• How you treat people

Energy impact: Spending energy here is empowering and productive. This is where you have the most leverage.

2. Circle of Influence

What it is: Things you can't control directly but can influence.

Examples:

• Other people's opinions (through your behavior and communication)
• Team dynamics (through leadership and example)
• Relationships (through how you show up)
• Community issues (through participation and advocacy)
• Industry trends (through innovation and contribution)

Energy impact: Spending energy here is empowering when you take action. It expands your impact beyond yourself.

3. Circle of Interest

What it is: Things outside your control or influence that you care about and can take informed, long-term action on.

Examples:

• Political issues you vote on and advocate for
• Social causes you support through donations or volunteering
• Environmental issues you address through lifestyle choices and advocacy
• Long-term trends you prepare for

Energy impact: Spending energy here is empowering when it leads to action within your Circles of Control or Influence. Staying informed allows you to make better decisions and take meaningful action over time.

The key: You're informed to do something, not just to worry.

4. Circle of Concern

What it is: Things outside your control or influence that you worry about but can't meaningfully act on.

Examples:

• The 24-hour news cycle of disasters
• Celebrity drama
• Politics you can't influence
• Global crises you have no connection to
• Other people's problems you can't help with

Energy impact: Spending energy here is depleting and disempowering. It drains your mental and emotional resources without producing any benefit.

The key: You're consuming information that makes you feel bad and can't do anything about.

The Critical Distinction: Interest vs. Concern

Circle of Interest = Empowering

• You care about it
• You stay informed to take action
• You contribute in your Circles of Control/Influence
• You vote, donate, volunteer, advocate, or adjust your behavior
• You can see the connection between information and action

Example: Climate change

• Interest approach: Stay informed on the science, vote for policies, reduce personal carbon footprint, support relevant organizations, discuss with people in your influence
• Action: Multiple touchpoints in your Control and Influence

Circle of Concern = Disempowering

• You worry about it
• You consume information that makes you anxious
• You don't take meaningful action
• You feel helpless
• Information doesn't lead to action—it leads to more worry

Example: Climate change

• Concern approach: Read every catastrophic article, argue on social media, feel anxious and hopeless, complain about other people not caring, consume more alarming content
• Action: None that meaningfully addresses the issue

Same topic, completely different energy impact.

Where Are You Spending Your Energy?

Do this exercise:

Track where you spend your mental and emotional energy for one week:

Time spent in each circle:

• Circle of Control: __%
• Circle of Influence: __%
• Circle of Interest (empowering): __%
• Circle of Concern (depleting): __%

Most people discover they spend 60-80% of their energy in the Circle of Concern.

The goal: Shift that energy to Circles of Control, Influence, and Interest.

How to Shift

1. Recognize when you're in Circle of Concern

• Am I worrying without acting?
• Am I consuming information I can't use?
• Am I feeling helpless or anxious?

2. Ask: "Can I do anything about this?"

• If yes → Move it to Control, Influence, or Interest and take action
• If no → Let it go

3. Redirect your energy

• Turn off the news
• Stop scrolling
• Do something in your Circle of Control
• Take action in your Circle of Influence
• Engage meaningfully with your Circle of Interest

4. Journal

• What am I worried about?
• Which circle is it in?
• If it's in Control or Influence, what's one action I can take?
• If it's in Concern, why am I spending energy on it?

The Power of Journaling: Getting Out of Your Head

One reason why I advise my clients to begin a daily or weekly journaling process is because it helps you get out of your head and put down what's in your head on paper so that you can reflect on it, to see if it serves you or not and what you can or cannot do about it.

Why Journaling Works

1. Externalizes your thoughts

• Gets them out of the loop in your head
• Allows you to see them objectively
• Creates distance between you and the thought

2. Reveals patterns

• You see the same worries repeating
• You notice which circles you're spending energy in
• You identify limiting beliefs

3. Clarifies what you can control

• Writing forces you to distinguish between feeling and fact
• You can categorize problems into circles
• You can identify actionable next steps

4. Processes emotions

• Writing about feelings reduces their intensity
• You move from "I am overwhelmed" to "I feel overwhelmed about X, Y, and Z"
• You create space for solutions

The Practice

Daily or weekly, answer these prompts:

1. What am I thinking about most?

• Brain dump everything on your mind
• Don't judge, just write

2. Which of these things are in my Circle of Control?

• What can I directly control about these situations?
• What action can I take today?

3. Which are in my Circle of Influence?

• Who can I influence?
• What can I do to expand my influence?

4. Which are in my Circle of Interest (empowering)?

• What information do I need to take meaningful action?
• What long-term actions align with my values?

5. Which are in my Circle of Concern (depleting)?

• What am I worrying about that I can't act on?
• Why am I spending energy here?
• What do I need to let go of?

6. What language am I using that's not serving me?

• Where am I using identity language ("I am") instead of state language ("I feel")?
• Where am I saying "I can't" instead of "I can't yet"?
• What reframe would be more empowering?

The result: Clarity, reduced anxiety, and directed action.

Energy Management: Your Most Valuable Resource

After time, energy is your most valuable resource.

You have three types of energy:

• Mental (thoughts)
• Verbal (words)
• Physical (actions)

And you can either:

• Spend energy on things that empower you and grow your Circles of Control and Influence
• Spend energy on things that deplete you and require more energy to replenish

The Energy Equation

Empowering energy use:

• Thinking about solutions → Creates mental clarity and momentum
• Speaking about possibilities → Reinforces positive identity
• Taking action in your control → Produces results and confidence
• Net result: Energy generates more energy (virtuous cycle)

Depleting energy use:

• Thinking about problems you can't solve → Creates anxiety and helplessness
• Speaking about limitations → Reinforces negative identity
• Consuming information you can't act on → Drains emotional reserves
• Net result: Energy depletes and requires recovery time (vicious cycle)

The Choice

Every moment, you're choosing:

• Which circle to focus on
• What language to use
• What thoughts to engage
• What actions to take

These choices either build energy or drain it.

The high performers I've seen—on the mat, on the jobsite, in business—all have this in common:

• They manage their energy ruthlessly
• They focus on what they can control
• They use empowering language
• They take action instead of worrying

The people who struggle—despite talent, despite resources—all have this in common:

• They leak energy into their Circle of Concern
• They use disempowering language
• They worry instead of acting

Practical Application: Rewiring Your Language and Energy

This Week

1. Track your language

• Notice when you use "I am" statements
• Reframe them as "I feel" or "I'm working on"
• Notice when you say "I can't"
• Add "yet"

2. Audit your energy

• What % of your time is spent in each circle?
• Where are you leaking energy into concern?
• What can you move to control or influence?

3. Journal

• Daily or 3x this week
• Brain dump → Categorize by circles → Identify actions
• Notice patterns in your thoughts and language

4. Take one action in your Circle of Control

• Something you've been avoiding
• Something small but meaningful
• Prove to yourself you can create change

This Month

1. Establish a journaling practice

• Daily or weekly, consistently
• Use the prompts above
• Track your progress

2. Reduce Circle of Concern consumption

• Limit news to 15 minutes/day
• Unfollow depleting social media
• Stop engaging in conversations that drain you

3. Increase Circle of Control action

• Identify the top 3 things you can control that would most improve your life
• Take action on them weekly
• Track the results

4. Shift your identity language

• Replace "I am" with "I'm becoming"
• Replace "I can't" with "I haven't yet"
• Replace "I'm overwhelmed" with "I'm navigating a lot right now"

This Year

1. Build the three energies into positive cycles

• Thoughts → Empowering beliefs about yourself
• Words → Language that reinforces growth identity
• Actions → Consistent behavior in your Circles of Control and Influence

2. Expand your Circles of Control and Influence

• As you take action, your control grows
• As you build credibility, your influence grows
• Your energy compounds

3. Master your energy management

• Ruthlessly protect your energy from the Circle of Concern
• Invest deeply in Circles of Control, Influence, and Interest
• Watch your life transform

Conclusion: The Power Is In Your Words, Thoughts, and Actions

Be very careful of the language you use because it has much more power than we give it.

The woman in the cafe who said "I'm overwhelmed" and deflated—she gave her power away with two words.

She could have said "I'm feeling overwhelmed right now" and created space for solutions.

Two words. Completely different reality.

On the mat and the jobsite, I saw it over and over:

• The people who said "I can't" stayed stuck
• The people who said "I can't yet" eventually succeeded
• The people in the middle who learned to reframe their language—their smiles when they succeeded made it all worth it

Your thoughts, words, and actions are the three forms of energy that power everything you do.

Use them in Circles of Control and Influence → You build energy, momentum, and results

Leak them into Circle of Concern → You drain energy, feel helpless, and stay stuck

The choice is yours, every moment:

• "I am" or "I'm feeling/becoming"
• "I can't" or "I can't yet"
• "I'm overwhelmed" or "I'm navigating a lot right now"
• Worry or action
• Concern or interest
• Depletion or empowerment

Journal. Reflect. Choose wisely.

• Your words shape your identity.
• Your identity shapes your actions.
• Your actions shape your life.

What identity are you creating with your words today?